TGWOOfY

Song Spotlight: Thirsty Merc - Tommy and Krista

2011-08-12T07:07:00.000-04:00

There are a few ways into my musical good graces. The first is to be an Aussie band, because I'm a total sucker for a whole lot of them. The second is to sing a song that tells a story, especially if it is a true story but even if it's not I'm a sucker for the Billy Joel style. Another thing I love probably also comes from my early love of the piano man and that is an accent in a song. I always loved when Billy sang "Don't axe me why" in his Long Island accent, which was also a testament to the differences in recording process from then till now.

There are many other things that will make me love a song, but the list above is all contained in this track by Aussie group Thirsty Merc. Not only is it a him and her song about Tommy and Krista but with the Aussie accent it becomes Tommy and Krister. It's also catchy and doesn't beat you over the head with a happy ending even if one is hinted at. Enjoy:

Well Tommy met Krista at the age of 19
The prettiest girl that he’d ever seen
And there was not a lot of waiting
They started dating
They used to hang out at the coffee shop there
And the weather was nice, the stakes were quite high
And one day Tommy made Krista cry
A little mix-up, do wop started a fight
And Krista went and said goodbye

She used to be in love with me
And now she’s gone and taken all the love away
She used to be in love with me
And now I’m just a memory.
She used to be in love with me
And now she’s gone and taken all the love away
She used to be in love with me
And now I’m just a memory.

Well a couple years on he was out with his friends
When Tommy walked into a room and saw Krista again
The crazy thing was it was all still there
So Tommy said Hey you wanna drive somewhere
So they drove to the city where the lights shine low
And Tommy had the feeling that his heart could re-grow
But, in a second he was down at something she said
Tommy I’m with someone else
Tommy I’m with someone else

She used to be in love with me
And now she’s gone and taken all the love away
She used to be in love with me
And now I’m just a memory.
She used to be in love with me
And now she’s gone and taken all the love away
She used to be in love with me
And now I’m just a memory.

Well Tommy never turned to aggression or fear
Instead he started working it he new year
But at night she’d invade his thoughts and his dreams
He can’t keep his mind away from Krista it seems
And so cold but funny enough
Krista and her boyfriend were broken up
But until they meet again and the time feels right
This is how is tonight
This is how it is tonight

She used to be in love with me
And now she’s gone and taken all the love away
She used to be in love with me
And now I’m just a memory.
She used to be in love with me
And now she’s gone and taken all the love away
She used to be in love with me
And now I’m just a memory.
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Song Spotlight: Clare Bowditch and Lanie Lane - Now You're Home

2011-08-05T07:17:00.000-04:00

With all the time I've been spending away from home over the last month and a half this song was of particular interest to me when I heard it. I love Clare Bowditch and Lanie Lane to begin with but when they start harmonizing a little ditty that speaks to loved ones being forced to spend time apart that's a hit in my mind. Inky and I only have to spend two more weeks apart and then I get to move back to my real office and spend my nights at home with her and the Captain.

In the meantime enjoy the song...

Song Spotlight: Missy Higgins - If I'm Honest

2011-07-29T02:12:00.000-04:00

I was really excited to hear that Missy Higgins was down in Nashville working with Butterfly Boucher on a new record. Well, that work has now apparently all paid off and the new record should be out late this year or early in '12. Her last disc came out in '07 so the wait has been substantial.

But I ain't mad at her.

Missy headlined the Australia Rocks the Pier concert at Santa Monica pier a few weeks back and she graced the crowd with four new tracks. I hadn't herd Deep Red Dirt, Tricks or Cooling of the Embers yet so I'm still digesting them. But I had herd If I'm Honest when she performed it at Lilith Fair so this rendition was more familiar to me. Skip ahead to 3:03 to get to the start of the song. Enjoy:

Darling, if I’m honest
you’ve been on my mind
On my mind all day.
And lately, if I’m honest
I can’t bring my self
To think no other way

I’ve been finding all kinds of reckless ways
To forget your face.
Like going out on the town
Throwing around all that love I kept for you

But no one touches me like you used to
It’s a shame but it’s true
Nobody loves me the way that you used to

And darling
I’ve been moving
through seas of faces
hoping to meet your stare
And dancing
towards any stranger
with your crazy eyes
or way with golden hair

I’ve been trying of all kinds useless ways just to push it all down
Like spinning around, spinning around till I fall on to the ground
But no one touches me like you used to
It’s a shame but it’s true
No body loves me the way that you used to

So I painted over all the cracks
But now the paint is pealing back.
Oh Yeah
Oh Yeah, Yeah

It’s a shame but true…

How Does Something Like This Get By Me?

2011-07-27T19:42:00.001-04:00

The other day a few of the people in my training class were talking about this video and I had no idea what it was. So, when I got back to the hotel tonight I checked it out. God damn is this shit hilarious. I hope to hell this guy is for real and not just playing a "gay with attitude" for the video, because it is a riot.

The combination of the classical music, the NatGeo video and Randall's narration mix to form the perfect web video. His other videos are good (I also like the bullfrog one) but nothing could be better than Honey Badger. For me the only thing missing here is video of Randall watching the footage and narrating. If this guy wants to start his own nature show I'd watch for sure.

Home Away From Home

2011-07-25T11:52:00.000-04:00

Since I'm spending so much damn time here at the Double Tree in Marlton NJ I thought I should give a little tour of my home away from home. It's a nice hotel and as welcoming as any place that you have to spend two months away from home it. The only thing missing is Inky...

...and a computer for the desk in the living room/office. I get pretty tired of walking down to the "business center" which consists of two computers and two printers.

It's nice to spend some time on the couch watching the TV after work. In a regular hotel when I traveled on business in past jobs you get the bed and maybe a chair. And even if you get a couch it's normally in the same room as the bed. The separate rooms allows for a sense of normalcy in that when I'd done watching TV at night I can "go to bed" in a whole other room.

The refrigerator is also a nice touch. I go shopping at the local Wegmans each Sunday night to get everything I'm going to need for breakfast for the week. That way I can have some OJ, a granola bar and some Greek yogurt in the morning while I sit on my couch and watch Sports Center.

The sink area is also quasi-separate from the living room and bedroom which allows a lot of room to get ready in the morning or to clean up after my trips to the hotel gym.

While this bed can't possibly live up to the high standard set by the Captain it's been getting the job done. The biggest downside to 40 nights in a hotel is I seem to be falling back into bad sleeping habits. Namely: sleeping on my back which causes me to snore. Inky did a great job of breaking me of that over the 15 years we've been together and now I'm regressing.

Lastly, it's nice to have a second TV in the place so when I want to lay in bed and watch TV I can. Then I can just turn the light out and fall asleep. Inky and I used to have a TV in the bedroom but we never used it. We'd always just rather talk to one another before falling asleep. I can't wait for that to be full time again.

Song Spotlight: The Living End - The Ending is Just the Beginning Repeating

2011-07-22T08:02:00.000-04:00

I was struggling trying to come up with a new tune to post this week and then Inky reminded me that the new record from The Living End came out this week. This is the first track off the new record (of the same name) and it is fantastic. I'd expect nothing less from TLE who have been consistently making great records for over fifteen years now. This track is a worthy successor to other great Living End songs like White Noise, Long Live the Weekend, Prisoner of Society and Roll On.

We are the wounded soldiers
We are the refugees
We are the dead eyed workers
I am you, and you are me

We are the model citizens
We are the absentees
We are the politicians
I'm exactly like you, you're just like me

We are the tired and weary
We are the restless and bored
We are the start of something much better
We're the end of what came before

The ending is just the beginning repeating
The ending is just the beginning repeating
Everything goes away but comes back some day
The ending is just the beginning repeating

We're not always survivors
There are no guarantees
We have our drink, we drink to our health
And I am like you, so have one on me

We're getting tired of waiting
And the rain always comes with the storm
And they always say lightning never strikes twice
But then came the knock at the door

The ending is just the beginning repeating
The ending is just the beginning repeating
Everything goes away but comes back some day
The ending is just the beginning repeating

We are the tired and weary
We are the restless and bored
We are the start of something much better
We're the end of what came before

We're getting tired of waiting
So we're running into the storm
And they always say lightning never strikes twice
But then came the knock at the door
____________________________________

Every Day at A&J

2011-07-20T14:52:00.001-04:00

While most of the rest of the people in my eight week training session have opted for sit down chain restaurants for lunch, I was looking for something different. I've always thought that if you could skip a chain for a local place then you should, so I did a bit of shopping around during my first week here in the Philly burbs. Then I found my joint and I don't need to look any longer.

It's called A&J Deli and Grill on North Maple Ave in Marlton NJ. If you are in the area I strongly suggest you stop by. The first thing I had there was the Roast Pork with Provolone and Broccoli Rabe (picture above). It was so good it was also the second, third and fourth thing I had there. It got to the point that when I finally ordered something else on my fifth visit the guy behind the counter said that as soon as they saw me walk in they had already started slicing the pork for my sandwich.

Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows... your order.

It was hard for me to stop getting the pork provolone and broccoli rabe. The pork is perfectly roasted and sliced to just the right thickness for it to be substantial but not chewy. It mixes so well with the sharpness of the cheese and the bitterness of the broccoli rabe that it is one of the most well balanced things I've ever eaten.

But, I didn't want to be a one trick pony, so I opted to explore the menu a bit the last few times I visited. I've had a buffalo chicken wrap, a turkey club and "The Bing" which is just like the pork sandwich but with a fried chicken cutlet in the place of the pork. So far they've all been amazing although I'm afraid that I may be messing with my weight loss plan a bit. I may have to have a grilled chicken wrap or sandwich or a panini in between some of the more classic deli fare over the next 4 weeks that I'm here.

Either way, I'm happy to have found such an amazingly high quality joint to eat at while I'm in my training exile.

Web Detox

2011-07-18T07:44:00.000-04:00

On of the strangest side effects during my stay in New Jersey is the loss of my Internet appetite. During my career interregnum I spent quite a lot of time on line. I was looking for jobs, fucking around with fantasy teams and checking out new music. In addition to that regular stuff I spent an inordinate amount of time reading blogs to keep fully up to date on what was happening in the ever changing worlds of movies, music, sports and hot women.

Now that I'm in the hotel five nights a week with no lap top I've found that I can quit most of the habit with no withdrawal at all. I still check my email and look at FaceBook once a day and god willing we'll have a football season soon so I can get started on fantasy for the year. But all the other stuff sort of just fell away. And once it did a funny thing happened: Nothing. My life didn't become any less fulfilling or anything. I haven't once been embarrassed in a situation where someone was shocked to know that I hadn't heard about the latest on line gossip.

So not only did I get a new job out of this deal, but going to Jersey for two months has also cured me off the wild turkey.
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Song Spotlight: Cults - Abducted

2011-07-15T05:41:00.000-04:00

I've always found it interesting how I can hate the personality of a band or singer but love their music. I think Bono and Michael Stipe are both pretentious as all hell but I really enjoy U2 and R.E.M.s music. This phenomenon is most prevalent for me in the indie music scene since I downright loath hipsters, but I do find that they make some good music.

You don't find two folks who check off as many hipster boxes as Madeline and Brian from Cults, but their songs are right catchy. There is a lot of "retro girl group sound" going around right now, but I don't think anyone captures the vocal end of it quite as well as Madeline. The songs are well written and produced, and make for a great soundtrack to a lazy summer drive. Enjoy.

I knew right then that I'd been abducted
I knew right then that he would be taking my heart
I knew right then no one was above him
I knew right then that he would be breaking my heart

He tore me apart because I really loved him
He took my heart away and left me to bleed out, bleed out
He broke my heart because I really loved him
He took it all away and left me to bleed out, bleed out

I knew right then that she'd been abducted
I knew right then that I would be taking her heart
I knew right then that I'd never love her
The reasons I hope the dream hasn't left her scarred

He tore me apart because I really loved him
He took my heart away and left me to bleed out, bleed out
He broke my heart because I really loved him
He took it all away and left me to bleed out, bleed out

He tore me apart because I really loved him
He took my heart away and left me to bleed out, bleed out
He broke my heart because I really loved him
He took it all away and left me to bleed out, bleed out
___________________________

Movie Review: The New Pooh Movie

2011-07-14T09:54:00.003-04:00

If you've been paying attention to my posts here on Greazy's blog then you know I can't stand Pooh. He's a total airhead, a bad representative for our kind and a poor loser when it comes to women and cards. But, what's true in the human world is true in the teddy bear world too. Sometimes the best and brightest (like me) get left behind to suffer anonymity while the worst and dimmest (like Pooh) are thrusts into the public eye and held up as something to celibate.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Pooh is to the teddy bear world what Paris Hilton is to the human world.

And time and time again these bimbos get rewarded. Pooh gets another movie, Paris gets paid to open some club in Vegas and people just sit back and let it happen. Wake up people! We can't sit back while the pretty and the dumb rule our world. I'm calling on all humans to boycott this pile of shit and put Pooh in his place. Likewise, we should boycott anything staring a tart who made her name by fucking someone on camera and leaking the tape to the public to gain their fame.

Are you with me?
____________________

Quiz Show

2011-07-12T09:51:00.001-04:00

It's been a long time since I was worried about grades, but my new job has me thinking a lot about them again. In the first 4 weeks of my 8 week training I will take 8 quizzes and two exams. I have to get at least an 80 on each of them to pass, and if I fail one more than twice my employment is terminated. That's a much more severe penalty than I've had in some time. The same was true of my first corporate job when I started it way back in 2000. I aced all the tests I took then and I'm doing quite well on the ones I'm taking now, but I've always been pretty good at taking tests.

Well, good in so far as I lived up to what ever MY standards for the test and the time were.

I was once overjoyed that I got a 62 on a final exam in college. The professor told us on the first day of class that the final counted for 100% of the course grade and that she had no attendance policy, among other things I'm sure. But, that's all I heard and I took it as a challenge to not go to any classes for the whole semester and then show up on the day of the final and see how I could do. And so I did. I got a 62 on my Western Civ II final based solely on my previous knowledge of the subject.

I was stoked. My parents didn't see it as the accomplishment that I did, however.

There was, however, another side to the coin. XL and I had one professor in our major that we both just couldn't crack. No matter how hard we tried we just couldn't get A's from the dude. Tests, exams and projects all yielded us a steady stream of B's and it pissed me off to no end. Sometimes it mattered to me, and sometimes it didn't and in most cases there was no rhyme or reason why.

Now, some 13 years on from my college days I still take the same approach. I measure myself against my own expectations while taking into account what I am expected to do. I need 80's on these tests, but I expect to be over 90 on each. And so far I am 6 out of 6 in that quest. Some of them I've studied for, and some of them I just trusted that I paid enough attention in class, or new enough going in to get my requisite 90.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
_______________________

Song Spotlight: Flogging Molly - Revolution

2011-07-08T19:51:00.003-04:00

What do you get when a Celtic-punk band that already speaks for the common man sets up shop in Detroit to write their new record? Revolution, that's what. At least that's what happened when Flogging Molly decided to do their writing in the Moter City. Almost a decade after "Drunkin Lullabies" things around here have gotten a whole lot worse and Detroit is just about the perfect example of the cost of capitalism on the working man. Since lead singer Dave King and band mate/wife Bridget Regan both live in Motown they see an awful lot of evidence of where we're headed in this country and they did a great job of spelling it out in this tune. Enjoy:

I spent twenty-seven years in this factory
And the boss man says, 'hey you're not what we need'
The penguins in the suits they know nothing but greed
It's a solitary life when you've mouths to feed
But who cares about us?

Now I'm back on the streets
With my hands held shut
I'm a working man without any work
Well is this the way it's meant to be
Because I signed on the American Dream
Now, I write my name to the welfare scheme
The money in the bank, it's history

So take me down to where the worlds collide
And leave me here 'til I'm satisfied
So let the Revolution begin

Now I drag these bones
'Cross the barren land
Where once a city, now an outstretched hand
We can't lose our sense of dignity
While the fat-faced cats lap up the cream
Another disappearing act falls up their sleeves
While the shirts on our back seek refugee

So take me down to where the worlds collide
And leave me here 'til I'm satisfied
'Cause there'll come a day
When all of us will show, we won't be afraid
Although we're crashing, we won't burn
Let the Revolution begin

I spent twenty-seven years in this factory
And the boss man says, 'hey you're not what we need'
The penguins in the suits they know nothing but greed
It's a solitary life when you've mouths to feed

So take me down to where the worlds collide
And leave me here 'til I'm satisfied
Do take me down to where the worlds divide
And leave me here I won't compromise
'Cause there'll come a day
When all of us will show, we won't be afraid
'Cause from these ashes we will grow
So let the Revolution begin...

Find Me Somebody to Love

2011-07-07T09:25:00.001-04:00

After all the trouble I got in for my antics last week I'm really starting to see that I need a stabilizing force in my life. I have to face facts. I'm a 34 year old Teddy Bear with no nose, chipped eyes and a split tail. I can't keep chasing random hook ups any longer.

I need a lady in my life.

I blogged about this back in March and it's more true now than ever. With Greazy on the road and Inky hard at work writing I have a lot of spare time on my hands. Sure, I hang out with Bedford and Gray Dog but I need a physical connection to go along with and emotional one.

To that end, I've done painstaking research and come up with the "the one" for me.

Her name is Aurora and we are perfectly compatible. She's 10 inches tall, and I don't mind a lady that's a bit taller than me. She's a panda which didn't matter as much to me back in the day as it does now. I've had a few chats with her on line and we have so much in common. Hell, I'm ready to make one of those match.com ads where we talk about how we met.

Perhaps the most important factor in all of this is her price. I know that's a sensitive subject in the world of love for most humans but sadly it's just how us stuffed animals have to live. Greazy wasn't exactly open to my previous requests for a mate, partly because they were expensive and he was on his career interregnum and partly because they were total skanks.

But Aurora is a total angel and more importantly (to Greazy at least) she's less than a Hamilton! If I had fingers I'd be keeping them crossed right now that Greazy and Inky are going to be surprising me with a companion soon.
________________________

A Boy and His Tivo

2011-07-05T21:17:00.004-04:00

While it could never compare to how much I miss being away from Inky, I have to say that being away from my DVR is for the birds. We got our first Tivo way back in '04 and I dare say we were the first people we knew with one. At that point I think a lot of people looked at it as a frivolous extra expense but not Inky and I.

We knew the truth from day one. It wasn't just about being able to pause live TV and circumvent millions of dollars worth of advertising dollars. No, for us it was about cutting the cord that tied us to the picture box.

I'm not one of these people who says "I don't watch a lot of TV" because: A) the term "a lot" is relative, and B) this is America jack! We watch TV here. But what I never wanted was to be held hostage by the TV and there were times that we were. We didn't want to miss a show and we didn't feel like programing the VCR so we just stayed home and watched it. Or, there were two shows on at the same time that we liked so we watched one and recorded the other on the VCR. It was so prehistoric!

Well this work induced exile to the Garden State has cast me back in time to a time I think of as B.D. or Before DVR. For example, tonight there happens to be two shows on at 10:00 that I like. So I have to decide if I want to watch Tosh.0 or Covert Affairs at 10 and which of the two I'll watch on the DVR when I get home. I know, it's barbaric.

Soon enough this training will be done, and I'll be back in the White Rose with Inky and this will all be a memory. A sick, twisted, pre-2004 memory. Till then I guess I'll just have to be brave...
____________________________

Another Weekend Behind Me

2011-07-03T22:45:00.002-04:00

Time just keeps on marching on. I was so excited to get home to Inky on Friday afternoon but now it's Sunday night and I'll be heading back to Jersey tomorrow. This week I had the benefit of the holiday to give me more time at home but next week I'll have just about 48 hours at home.

This is going to take some getting used to. I doubt I'll actually become accustomed to it, but if I did I'm sure it would be right around the 7th week of my 8 weeks away. That's how these things normally work. I really don't know how my old man did this for almost a whole year when I was a kid. He worked Monday through Friday out of Headquarters in DC and came back to see us in Jersey on the weekends.

I have it light compared to him, so I guess I should keep my complaining to a minimum. Especially since all this time away is for a new job that I needed badly.

So I'll transition into talking about my most recent attempt to better my minesweeper score. It didn't go very well, but then again, I'm not spending a ton of time on the computer while I'm home. I was listening to the new Death Cab record while I played this 92 second game, and all in all, it's about as good as I could hope to do these days.

Song Spotlight: Arctic Monkeys - Brick by Brick

2011-07-01T07:34:00.000-04:00

Knowing I was going to be on the road for the foreseeable future I didn't think I'd be getting to do another Friday song spotlight so soon. But then when I was driving from the office back to my home away from home the other night I heard one of the new Arctic Monkey's tracks on WXPN. I've been meaning to pick up AM's most recent disc for a few weeks now, but the career interregnum kind of got in the way. But after hearing Alex Turner channeling his inner Jim Morrison on Brick by Brick I was compelled to stop off last night at one of the local indie record stores and pick the record up. Hitler and UK fans might not like it, but I sure do and I hope you do too.

I wanna build you up
Brick by brick
I wanna break you down
Brick by brick
I’m gonna reconstruct
Brick by brick
I wanna feel your love

Brick by brick
Brick by brick

I wanna steal your soul
Brick by brick
I wanna rock ‘n’ roll
Brick by brick
I wanna rock ‘n’ roll
Brick by brick
I wanna rock ‘n’ roll

Brick by brick
Brick by brick

I wanna brick by brick
Brick by brick
I wanna blow by blow
Brick by brick
I want an empty soul
Brick by brick
I wanna brick by brick by brick by

Brick by brick
Brick by brick
Brick by brick
Brick by brick
__________________________

While Greazy's Away

2011-06-30T21:46:00.005-04:00

The stuffed panda will play. Sure, Inky is around but she is so busy working on her next novella that she hasn't noticed that I've been running amok for the past few days. Yesterday when she was downstairs clacking away on her laptop I was hosting a high steaks poker game up in Greazy's home office. The really nice thing about being less than a foot tall (other than all the free upskirt action I get) is being able to host a lot of my friends in a very small room.

During the poker game things got kind of out of hand and before I knew what was happening Whitey, a polar bear friend of mine, had caught Silky, one of Inky's friends, cheating. Whitey confronted Silky and the next thing I knew the knives were out.

There's nothing more scary to a stuffed animal than a knife, believe you me. So they go back and forth with the threats and taunts and the next thing you know Silky had cut Whitey's fucking head off. There was stuffing everywhere and we had to call in the wolf to clean things up. Not Harvey Keitel's character from Pulp Fiction, an actual stuffed wolf who's really good at covering up that kind of shit up.

Inky was still down stairs typing way when we got that taken care of, but then I got a bit of a booty call from this little stuffed bunny that lives up the street. She's got this total Toy Story 3 thing going on with the chick she grew up with, you know how it goes: best friends for years and years and now she's old enough to drive and the stuffed bunny gets no attention.

Well I fixed that!

As much as I miss Greazy I have to say that not having him around has been great for my social life. He can be a real where my cock would be if I had one block sometimes. He'll be back tomorrow night, so I guess I'll have to cool out a bit for the weekend, but come Monday night it's Stuffed Animal House!
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Home Away From Home

2011-06-29T18:58:00.005-04:00

In my past jobs I've been required to travel from time to time and sometimes extensively. So I've gotten used to the occasional business hotel stay, which for me means two things. Number one, I'm not on vacation even if a ton of other people there are. So while they are making merry by the pool or yucking it up at the bar, i'm thinking about the task at hand. The second thing a business hotel stay means for me is no Inky.

Not to get too mushy on you but, this it by far the hardest part for me. In the past these jaunts always came to an end rather quickly, however, so it didn't bother me too much. After two or three nights on the road, I'd be home to the lady I love. In rare cases like trips to Seattle and Nashville it was more like a four or five days, which seemed like an eternity.

Now, I'm faced with that eight times over. My new job requires that I spend 39 of the next 55 nights out of town, which is I find daunting. That's a whole lot of time away from Inky, Bedford, Teddy and all the other trappings of our lair. It's also a lot of meals to be eating out, which could really wreck all the good work I've done losing weight. Lucky for me this place has a pretty nice gym.

All in all I'm trying to see this as a net positive, even though the loss of time with Inky can't really be overcome by anything. I'm happy to have a new job, and excited about what that can mean for our future. I just wish there was some way I could train closer to home and closer to Inky.

Maybe one of these weeks I'll have to kidnap her and bring her along...
________________________________

Getting Called Back Up to the Show

2011-06-27T07:04:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned yesterday I'm starting a new job today. But more important than that is what type of job it is. It's in the big leagues! Not literally, of course, since I've already worked in baseball once and I'll never do that again. What I mean by the big leagues is what a lot of people might take for granted. Things like benefits, 401K, vacation time and good pay.

Sadly, those were things that seemed like a pipe dream during my career interregnum. So when my time sucking the dole banana was coming to an end I had to find a job even if it didn't have all the trappings of the bigs. So I did, and I quickly became aware that I was in the minor leagues, and not the cushy AAA minors. No, I was in the bus riding low minors.

The job was better than the alternative, but only just. Working six days a week selling people things they don't need would be bad even if you were doing it for a top quality company. But when you're doing it for a company that seems to revel in being shady it is hard to get out of bed in the morning. Add to that the fact that they shorted me money in my paycheck the whole time I was there and I knew almost immediately that I needed another chance.

Then I got a great birthday present.

I got a call from a number I didn't recognize while I was sitting at my desk selling. So I let it go to voicemail and checked it at my break. It was a headhunter calling about a really great opportunity after seeing my resume on line. The funny thing is they might not have called me if I hadn't been at that shitty job. So in the end it ended up being like a rehab assignment where an injured big leaguer gets send down to the minors to get a few at bats to get the skills sharpened.

After a phone interview I had about a week wait till I got my in person interview up in Harrisburg. As I drove home from it I told both Inky and XL that I felt really good about how it went, and I hoped I would hear soon. As it turns out I heard about four hours after the interview that they wanted me.

A whirlwind week followed and now I find myself in Jersey for training. I'll be here during the week and heading home to Inky each weekend. I'm not sure what it will be like living out of a suitcase all week long, but I am very excited to have this opportunity. Or, as Crash Davis would say: "We gotta play 'em one day at a time. I'm just happy to be here, I hope I can help the ball club. I just want to give it my best shot, and the good lord willing, things will work out."
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A Quick Little Game

2011-06-26T07:50:00.000-04:00

It's been a bit of a hectic weekend around these parts so I haven't had a whole lot of computer time. Inky and I went out to celebrate a few things last night most notably the release of her second novella, which you can find out more about by going here. The other thing we were celebrating is my new job. Not the new job I started back on May 24th, my new new job that I start tomorrow. But more on that later.

As I said, with all this going on around me, I've had very little time to spend with the computer. But, I took the time to play a little minesweeper last night because I won't be able to while I'm on the road training for my new job. For the next two months. Sadly, the best I could muster was a 102 second game but I only played a couple so I could get back to spending time with Inky.

Song Spotlight: PB&J - Dig a Little Deeper

2011-06-24T08:53:00.000-04:00

There are three realy top notch songs on the new Peter Bjorn and John record, and this is one of them. It's hard for me to day Dig a Little Deeper is better than Second Chance or May Seem Macabre but it's the one I'm going to feature today because it's the one that's been stuck in my head for the last few days. That is when I'm not bopping along to Contact High by Architecture in Helsinki. It's been a good year for music so far... enjoy the tune:

You think you’ve got it made
I’m trying to have some fun
You think you know it all
I’ve only just begun
You’re sliding on the surface
I’m reaching for the bottom
The past is always present
The future fades away
And if you think your brain is hollow
You just have to scream
And dig a little deeper

All art as been contemporary
Dig a little deeper, dig a little deeper
All art as been contemporary
Dig a little deeper, dig a little deeper
Dig a little deeper
Dig a little deeper
Dig a little deeper

You enjoy the silence
When I want to discuss
You like to keep tidy
I wanna mess it up
I defy definition
Of what’s supposed to be
I don’t want recognition
If you don’t recognize me
And if you think your brain is hollow
You just have to scream
And dig a little deeper

All art as been contemporary
Dig a little deeper, dig a little deeper
All art as been contemporary
Dig a little deeper, dig a little deeper
Dig a little deeper
Dig a little deeper
Dig a little deeper
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But I Don't Drink Coffee...

2011-06-22T09:19:00.000-04:00

It's a scenario we've all seen it a million times, like for instance, in the case of ballet dancer Maureen Cummings. Born with the talent, but not the will. For her, ballet was "a life of wishing I found something I loved instead of something I just happened to be good at" but for me it's sales. I'd make a lousy ballet dancer anyway, I'm not very turned out, so that needs work...

I don't know if there is a more overdone yet spot-on archetype in pop culture than the salesman. From Ben Affleck in Boiler Room and Michael Douglas in Wall Street to the granddaddy of them all: Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross this roll has been done again and again to great effect. It makes for interesting characters but the one problem with larger than life characters is kids (notably little boys) want to grow up to be like them.

There are scores of men my age who wanted nothing more than to grow up to be Maverick from Top Gun. There are also tons of Italian-American men who saw one too many mob flicks and thought they were wiseguys. But both of those groups are positively dwarfed by the number of douchebag sales guys who grew up wanting to be Jim Young, Gordon Gekko or Blake barking about how "coffee's for closers only". I think of that line as the sentence that launched a thousand shitheads.

I am who I am, not what I do. I sell things for a living, and I'm pretty damn good at it. It doesn't light my fire or get my competitive juices flowing. It doesn't make me feel superior or alive. It just pays the bills, and even that is an accident. I was a senior in college working at a TV station as a sports photographer when the sales manager said I should put all the BSing I was doing to work and offered me a sales job for after I graduated. Fast forward 13 years and I found myself deep in my career interregnum and having to go back to the sales floor.

I downright loathe the very mindset of sales. If I had a dollar for every time a sales manager has quoted the "nothing happens till someone sells something" line to me I would never have to sell anything ever again. But, in the end, I'm pretty good at it. It basically comes down to the fact that I've never met a person I couldn't talk to from strangers on a plan all the way up to the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or my childhood hero: Cal Ripken Jr.

I like to talk, and more importantly, I like to listen. I have a pretty good knack for picking up on people's subtext and body language and perhaps most importantly I have empathy and the ability to put my self in someone else's shoes. So if I'm selling how I like to, the person buys what they need and no more. They will buy from me again and again and they will never feel like they've been taken.

To me that's how business should be done, but that's not how sales managers see the world.

They want you to get every last penny out of the mark's pocket. Sadly, I can do that too. I can scare an old lady into buying something that I know she not only doesn't need, but that she can't afford. And unlike many of my brethren, I can make her feel like I did her a favor.

I am not a salesman. I am a man who, thanks to a few twists and turns on my career ladder, sells things. I really don't know what else I could do anymore. My resume screams sales, and to borrow a line from another Affleck movie, when it came to sales "I could always just play." I won the Dale Carnegie Sales award at 22 besting a hotel ballroom full of guys who had been selling since before my mom met my dad.

But then again, that meeting was nothing more than sales. The old man walked up to my mom at a party and upon seeing her in a two piece bathing suit asked her "does that tan go all the way up?"

But then again, he drank coffee.
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Getting Back into the Swing of Things

2011-06-20T00:01:00.001-04:00

Things are starting to look up a bit around here. I'm on my way to getting called up from minors (the very low minors, like rookie league) to a major league job again. Inky is back from 10 days away, which I never enjoy and to top it all off I played another game in the 80's. I got a great assist from Kate Upton yet again and this time my musical support came from Glasvegas since I was listening to their new song Shine Like Stars while I played this game.

I've found the hardest thing to do as an adult is to navigate the highs and lows that life can throw at you. I've had my fair share of lows over the last two years, but I'd like to think that Inky and I have weathered the storm as well as any two people could in our circumstance. Now that it looks like that storm may be passing I'd really relish the chance to be a gracious winner for a bit.

I promise that if I get a few breaks my way I won't be a dick about it. Hear me world? I'd like my breaks now.

Song Spotlight: Architecture in Helsinki - Contact High

2011-06-17T00:48:00.001-04:00

Here's a one of the new tracks from another Aussie band I really love. I'm not sure just what it is that I like about this band, but I really love them. The new track is just the perfect song to blare through your speekers as you drive around on a summer day. Enjoy:

If one of these two walls could speak
I'd turn the lights down long enough to hit repeat
Right now my vision is gone and magic's to blame
It's silent down here, hey I want to get loud again
You'll hold the thunder while I bring the rain

I might be dancing doing nothing but I've had my share
You've got a strange infatuation with the elements in the air

Contact high
I'm done dreamin that we can fly
Am I guilty? Boy you decide
I've got nothing to hide

Four letter words won't hold any sway
And in a paradise that shakes the word romantic to the bone
Mystical forces are circling me, while perfect nostalgia is dating the enemy
Lost in the ether with no one to blame
It's silent down here, maybe I want to get loud again

Contact high
I'm done dreamin that we can fly
Am I guilty? Boy you decide
I've got nothing to hide

When we touch I get a
Contact high
I'm done leaving if we can try
Am I guilty? Boy you decide
I've got nothing to hide

I might be dancing doing nothing but I've had my share
You've got a strange infatuation with the elements in the air

Contact high
I'm done dreaming that we can fly
Am I guilty boy u decide
I've got nothing to hide
When we touch I get a
Contact high
Contact high
Contact high

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Aussie Slang: Flat-Track Bully

2011-06-15T08:09:00.000-04:00

As Inky and I have immersed ourselves in Aussie culture over the years we've picked up quite a bit of the language. Sure they speak English, but so do people in Birmingham Alabama and England and I can assure you that it sounds like a totally different language. It's not all accent either, although that can play a huge part in understanding well. What really gets you bogged down in trying to understand another English speaking country's pop culture is lingo and slang.

In Oz and the UK alike they love to use rhyming slang which is all but impossible to pick up with out some help. Another main source of slang is sports, which isn't all that different to us Americans. You can hit a home run in business or go to jail after your third strike and so on. Likewise, in some of the Dominion countries cricket slang has crossed over into everyday life. And that is where today's slang term comes from.

Flat-Track Bully (f-lat tr-ack bul-ly) Noun. 1) One who dominates inferior competition but cannot beat top-level opponents, usually in the realm of sports.

I first started hearing this term used during Aussie Rules games, and most recently it has been hurled at Geelong's James Podsiadly. The J-Pod seemed to kick a lot of goals in games that the Cats played at home and won easily but sometimes went missing in big games against top level competition. As a Geelong fan, I vehemently deny these claims and throw them right back at Nick Riewoldt, but that's not what this post is about.

How great is the this saying? At first blush it appears very simple, but when you take a second to think about it and play a scenario out in your head it is wonderfully descriptive. I'm sure everyone knows more than a few people either at work or in their personal lives that embody this saying. I can think of four or five who are currently running for the Republican nomination right now. If you've ever wondered what the un-tough did when the going got tough they just might have turned in to flat-track bullies.

I intend to upload this term into my own personal slang-waggon as of this moment and I suggest you do the same.
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The Scent of Greazy

2011-06-13T08:23:00.000-04:00

I'm a big brand loyalty kind of guy. When I find a product I like, I stick with it for years. And years and years. Inky is the same way, and over the years I've adopted some of the loyalties she had when we got married. For instance, when I was a kid we ate mostly Jif peanut butter but Inky is fiercely attached to Skippy's Super Chunk, and I became a convert. I suppose we're not unlike a lot of other people who can be picky about one brand over another. Like the people that will only drink Coke and if the place they are at doesn't carry it they will have water rather than drink Pepsi.

The first thing that crossed from the "I'll get that if they have it at the store" category to the realm of "if they don't have it, I'll go to another store" for me was deodorant. Namely Old Spice High Endurance Fresh deodorant. After hitting puberty I would put on whatever deodorant my mom got for me and my family begged me to use. When I went off to boarding school at 14 I remember that I used Mitchum spray, but sometimes she got me something else and I just rolled with it.

When I came back home to go to public school for Junior year I stumbled upon my brand loyalty. My dad wore the original Old Spice that came in the cream colored cylindrical container with the screw on top. Some times mom would get a deal on it at Price Club and give me one to use, but I didn't want to wear the same thing my old man did. So one day Mom got me the High Endurance Fresh scent and I liked it immediately.

Back then I also wore cologne because I was legally mandated to as an Italian-American male resident of New Jersey who worked in a pizza parlor. It goes without saying that I wore way too much, so if you asked someone what I smelled like they would have said Drakkar Noir.

I know. Such a stereotype. What can I say? I was 16.

By the time I got to college I hardly ever wore cologne any longer, but I still wore my High Endurance Fresh. Now nearly 20 years later, I can't imagine wearing anything else. It's just what I smell like since I don't wear cologne or aftershave and god knows I have no need for shampoo these days. A few years ago I picked up another one of the High Endurance line by accident and I only made it a few days before I went back to the store to get the right one.

I'm not OCD or anything. When it comes to a whole lot of other products I couldn't care less what I get. Most times I make my choice based on price. But with deodorant there is only one that smells like Greazy. If they ever discontinue it I'll have to buy cases of the stuff like Elaine did with the sponge on Seinfeld.
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I'm Still Alive

2011-06-12T14:16:00.004-04:00

As much as it kills me to admit that my little 9 inch tall stuffed buddy is right, he is. I've been pretty lax about blogging these days. To say going back to work has been a damper on my "Greazy time" would be a massive understatement. I work noon to 9 Monday through Friday and 9 AM to 3 PM on Saturdays. So when I get up in the morning before work and when I get home at night I'm always more interested in spending time with Inky than surfing the web, blogging or playing minesweeper.

So this afternoon I sat down to do a little of all of the above. First I put together this 104 second game while listening to Megan Washington cover Paul Kelly's "Everybody Loves You Baby". Then I caught up on some web surfing before writing this blog post and a few others that will post during the week. It looks like Sunday is going to have to be my do everything day until I find another job with a more traditional schedule.

Anyone Seen Greazy?

2011-06-09T21:00:00.000-04:00

I know Greazy was upset about turning 35 a few weeks ago, but he didn't have to up and disappear. It's like a ghost town up here in the computer room these days. If someone asked me what he's been up to I'd have to shrug my shoulders... if I had shoulders. I rarely see him since his so called "career interregnum" ended three weeks ago. He was still blogging during the first few days but I think the long hours are taking a toll on him now.

Greazy and I have spent our whole lives together, and I've seen him in some situations he wasn't happy with, but this current scenario looks like it may take the cake. Not only are the hours long, but he seems to complain a whole lot about his co-workers, the in's and out's of the job and company. In short, I don't think it's his dream job. In fact, when I do see him at the computer early in the morning or late at night it seems like all he's doing is applying for jobs.

I sure hope he works it out soon. God knows he can't lose any more hair over this.
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Throwing My Hat in the Ring

2011-05-31T00:22:00.003-04:00

As of about 22 minutes ago I am now 35 years old. Let me just pause for a moment to let that sink in... Alright, with that done I'll get to my point. When I was about 15 years old I came up with the idea that the only three birthdays that matter in your life are your 18th, 21st and 35th. At 18 you can buy cigarettes, lotto tickets, porn and also vote and serve in the military. At 21 you can legally during and at 35 you can be president of this ramshackle of states we call a country.

I voted in '96, '00, '04 and '08 but only because I had to pick someone else to do the job while I was ripening. Now that I have blossomed into a Constitutionally legal 35 year old it's time to throw my hat into the ring. So here goes:

I, Greazy Tony, am announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States.

Wow, it feels good to finally type that and get the process under way. I will run on a platform of CFS or "common fucking sense" coupled with a solemn vow to do what is best for real people and fuck over every large business who puts their hand out. I'll rob the rich of the money they robbed from the poor and turn around and give it back to the poor. And, perhaps most importantly, I pledge to invade Canada within the first 100 days of my presidency just because I don't like the way they've been looking at us of late.

I'm Greazy Tony, and I approved this message.
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My Style Has Been Cramped

2011-05-30T22:18:00.003-04:00

The absolute worst thing about the end of my career interregnum is that I don't get to spend my days with Inky any longer. All the rest of the shit that goes along with my new job is a distant second to that. All those other little things I miss about my life are just that: little compared to only seeing my wife a few hours a night.

All that said, my minesweeper game in particular (and internet time in general) has really suffered in my first week back among the gainfully employed. My new desk doesn't even have a computer on it, and if it did it wouldn't be hooked to the web. I don't have a smart phone, so after hopping on the web for a few moments in the morning I'm away from all the goings on till nearly midnight.

The other night I tried to play a few games of minesweeper before bed and I was so taxed by the day that the best I could manage was this 95 second game. If this is indicative of my summer let's just say I'm not happy. But, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do right?

A Renaissance for "The Bad Kind"

2011-05-28T21:35:00.000-04:00

Anyone with a computer, eyes or ears will know all about the new Lonely Island song "3 Way (The Golden Rule)" which premiered on SNL last week. In addition to being incredibly funny it also shines a light on an issue that doesn't get enough attention these days, namely: The Bad Kind.

Just what is the bad kind? I'm glad you asked. In the realm of the menage-a-trois there are two sides to every coin: the good kind and the bad kind. The good kind is two girls and one guy meaning that the bad kind is two guys on one girl as portrayed by Justin, Andy and Gaga. In our heavily homophobic/overly macho society it's usual to hear guys saying they would never take part in the bad kind.

Lost in this whole thing is the fact that most of the guys taking about this shit (myself included) couldn't ever hope to get in to a menage neither good nor bad kind. But it is all part of this crazy society we live in where it's totally hetero to shower with 45 other naked guys as long as you just finished playing football together but if you and another guy are both having sex with the same girl then you are somehow both gay.

I never understood it, but I'm glad to see this short video explain that "it's ok, when it's in a three way." Recently this topic also popped up on Richard Grieco's new Showtime show "Gigilos" which, by the way, is a gift to all humankind. Since there are many guys out there who want to have the bad kind with their wife and another guy, but don't want all the strings of finding someone, a lot of these couples hire a gigilo.

In a shocking lack of attention to the maxim "the customer is always right" these man-whores are careful to lay down all sorts of rules about how the guy can stay and watch but there can be no man on man touching. We get it Brace, you're totally straight (even if you do really seem to love getting colonics) but why not give the lady what she's paying for?

Let's hope that the good public service performed by Justin, Andy and Gaga will remove some of the stigma from the bad kind.
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Teddy v Inky

2011-05-26T14:41:00.000-04:00

This year Greazy invited me to play Dreamteam with he and Inky. For those who don't know, Dreamteam is to Australian Rules Football what Fantasy Football is to the NFL. I don't know a whole lot about Footy since Greazy refused to take me to Oz with them either of the times they went, but I have picked up a bit over the years that they have been watching.

But not enough I guess.

Inky's team: Fanta Pants Dance is 4-2 and in 6th place in our league. My Baltimore Bears are 1-5 in 14th. She is averaging 1932 points a game while I am at 1703 ppg. So she is obviously a better Dreamteam player than I am. But, anything can happen this weekend. Maybe I'll get lucky and beet her.

These games are no fun unless you have something other than pride riding on them, so you have to bet. I liked the bet where if she lost she'd have to get a spray tan and if I lost then I'd have to get my white fur dyed pink. Ultimately we settled on a slap bet like from the show How I Met Your Mother. If I win I get to swing a paw across Inky's face and if she wins she can panda-slap me.

Bring on the games!
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It's So Damn Hot...

2011-05-25T23:27:00.003-04:00

I knew when I took a job that required some door to door sales it wasn't an ideal situation for a number of reasons. First, I really don't like selling, which is odd, because I've done a whole lot of it in my career. Second, even though I've lost a lot of weight in the last year, I wasn't looking forward to walking around some of the crazy ass hills in this town. Lastly, it's just about summer here in the Mid-Atlantic region which means the dreaded 90-90 days. 90 degrees with 90% humidity.

That's what I found myself in today during my second day on the job. After spending all day yesterday inside filling out paperwork, watching training videos and such today I had some field training. I walked about 12 miles of those famous York PA hills in that dreaded heat and humidity. I thought getting in shape would keep me from being done in by this type of exertion but I was mostly wrong. While I'm sure it would have been way worse back when I was north of 280 it still took it's toll on me at my current weight.

I didn't know before hand that I would be going out today so I had no water with me for the first three hours of the day. So when we went to lunch I drank two XL unsweetened Teas in about 25 minutes and avoided crappy food. Before we headed back out I got a liter of water and a small Gatorade to get me through the rest of the day. Now I'm home and I'm sure I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight. I know I'll get used to this, but it sucks to know there's worse conditions coming in June, July and August.
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Lil Greazy's First Day

2011-05-24T23:57:00.000-04:00

Um... wow. 692 days is a looooooooong time to go without punching a time clock. That was abundantly clear to me when I finished up my first day at my new job. It's going to take me a while to condition myself to nine hours in an office again. I really thought that all my time at the gym would serve me well when I finally wrapped up my career interregnum, but it hasn't.

I was sure that dropping 50 pounds and being in the best shape of my life since before I could legally buy beer would make me more resilient in the face of a long work day. I was wrong. Or, at least, I am wrong now. I'm hoping that all my hard work will pay dividends in a week or two when I get acclimated to the grind again.

One huge plus, that would probably be a huge minus to any other 35 year old is that I work noon to 9 PM. Most people my age would hate working "so late" but these are my perfect hours coming off the interregnum. For much of that time I woke up between 8 and 9 and went to bed between 1 and 2. So getting up at 7 AM for a regular 9 to 5 would have killed me.

The one huge downside about the new job is not specific to this one job, however. During the 22 months that I was out of work I got really used to spending a fuck ton of time with Inky. There may be some people who have been married for 12 years who couldn't stand to spend all day, every day together but we really had a blast. I'm really going to miss spending my days with her, even if we never had any money do do anything of note.

I guess I should get ready for bed. I've gotta be up for work in the late morning.
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Bird Watchin'

2011-05-22T20:08:00.002-04:00

To say I've had a lot of free time over the last 691 days is a massive understatement. My career interregnum has led me to places that I've both loved and loathed. It's always that way when you have a ton of time to think, but not a ton of money to do. Even with all that said, I never thought I'd find myself staring out the window at birds.

Just like an old man.

I am about to turn 35, but that's not old enough to be a bird watcher, in my mind at least. But the other day as I was making my lunch I noticed this fat little baby bird just standing on the railing of my deck. He was just sitting there looking skyward all throughout my tuna making process.

Just as I was finishing my lunch prep, I saw that my little friend was also waiting to get his grub on... or worm. His mama flew in with a worm in her beak and fed it to him. As moments in nature go it was on the low end of the awesomeness scale, but I still found it cool to witness. Long after I had packed away my meal lil Bird was still out there waiting for seconds on his. In fact he stood out there for almost two hours.

I peeked out at him from time to time, and ended up snapping this picture from the upstairs window because, well... I had the time. I'm not really the bird watching type, but it was kind of cool to see him just sitting there probably a little to young to fly and get his own eats.

Not to sound too much like a tree hugger, but it was a bit of free entertainment provided by mother nature.
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They Have Risen!

2011-05-21T19:53:00.000-04:00

Just a few days ago I did a post about losing the pair of sunglasses I bought in Sydney back in '05. Well, today I rolled back the stone and found that they had risen! I like to think of it as sunglasses Easter.

I was taking some household junk up to the dumpster that our community provides once a year when I found them. I had been driving our second car the weekend they went missing and although Inky and I had both looked in it, we failed to look between the passenger side seat and door. I guess I had put them on the seat while driving and when I took a bitchin' left hand turn at some point they must have tumbled over the side and lodged themselves there.

Now, the are back where they belong: on my face or upside down on my hat. I'd love to say I prayed to St. Anthony to get them back like we used to do when I was a kid, but the truth is I just caught sight of them as I reached along the back seat to get an old boom box I was throwing in the dumpster. Either way it's nice to have them back.
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Song Spotlight: 1996 by The Wombats

2011-05-20T12:59:00.002-04:00

As a child of the 90's I love that we're starting to get some good 90's nostalgia these days. It's crazy for me to realize that at the start of the 90's I was 14 years old and getting ready to go into high school. Even though Murph, the Wombats lead singer, is 8 years younger than me I'm still really getting a kick out of their new track 1996. I was only a teenager for a few months of '96, but I totally understand the basis of this song. Plus, it's a kick ass song from a kick ass group. Enjoy!

I had no cares in the 1990s
I knew of no downfalls
Though war was breaking out all around me
My concerns were with prank calls

She kissed me on the cheek
She kissed me on the cheek
Right in front of the older kids
Well my self belief, my self belief
Wasn’t scarred by the modern itch

'Cause now it feels like
We kissed with one eye on our TV set
And the more I give, the less I get
Using fairground rides just to spark a smile
There's little here to miss
Bring back 1996
Bring back 1996
I want to beat those teenage kicks
Bring back 1996

We were cloning sheep in the 1990s
We were building telescopes
And sugar filled the whole of my body
As I urged it on to grow

I kissed her on the cheek
I kissed her on the cheek
Just to impress the older kids
But my self belief, my self belief
Wasn’t lost in the modern glitch

'Cause now it feels like
We kissed with one eye on our TV set
And the more I give, the less I get
Using fairground rides just to spark a smile
There's little here to miss
Bring back 1996
Bring back 1996

Stop talking, stop talking
I need a lover, not a friend tonight
I’m leaving, I’m leaving
I'm not cut out for the modern life

I’ll never beat those teenage kicks
I’ll never beat those teenage kicks
I’ll never beat those teenage kicks
Bring back 1996
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Kate Upton Seems Like a Nice Girl

2011-05-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

I asked Teddy to take a week off so I could devote some time to Ms. Kate Upton. It's only a matter of time till she breaks on to the Top 5 List, which I'm sure will be a bigger thrill for her than all this fame she has stubled onto at the tender age of almost 19.

You're Welcome World

2011-05-18T07:36:00.000-04:00

Do you love eating Buffalo Wings but hate getting your fingers dirty? Do you love the taste combination of spicy wings, tangy blue cheese and crisp celery but hate all the hassle of dunking the wing in the blue cheese and then eating the celery? Then do I have a product for you.

It's Greazy Tony's patented* "One Bite Buffalo Wings"! Hi, I'm Greazy Tony and my One Bite Wings will change your life. With bite sized pieces of chicken fried and tossed in Anchor Bar sauce on a fresh piece of celery and then topped with blue cheese you now have an efficient and delicious way to eat your wings. They're great for the big game, poker night with the boys or Bar Mitzvahs. Just send $19.99 to Greazy Tony's One Bite Wings, PO Box 1000 York Pennsylvania. Allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery. Sorry, No COD's.

*Not Actually Patented
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RIP: Aussie Sunglasses 05/01/05-05/07/11

2011-05-17T19:11:00.005-04:00

I don't know why, but I've always had a real problem when it comes to sunglasses. I would always forget to take them on trips, causing me to have to buy a pair in places like the Caribbean, Las Vegas or Australia. But as fast as I was forced to buy a new pair, I would just as quickly lose them by leaving them on the table at a restaurant or in a rental car as I did with the ones I got in Nassau and Vegas.

But all that seemed to turn around in early May of 2005. Having once again forgotten to bring a pair of sunglasses with me, I bought the pair you see in the above picture at the Harbourside Shopping Centre in Sydney's Cockle Bay Wharf. Even when I bought them I was sure I would end up losing them, probably even before the trip was over. It turns out that was the best twenty bucks I would ever spend on sunglasses.

Not only did those glasses make it through our first trip to Oz in '05 but they also made a triumphant return trip home in '08. They also went to Vegas, New York City, Virgina Beach, Boston, Chicago, Seattle, Nashville, Niagara Falls and on a bunch of trips to Maine. Not to mention that I wore them all the time on regular days that included trips to and from work, and all around the area.

In short: six years is a long ass time for me to own a pair of sunglasses. They shaded my eyes as I looked upon sights both amazing and banal, but all good things must come to an end. Sadly, my six years with my Aussie glasses was no different. Some time during my daily errands on May 7th I mislaid them, and now they are gone forever.

I guess I shouldn't be too down about this, since it did take about twelve times longer for me to lose these than usual. Plus, on the up side, losing them means that I have to replace them with a like pair. And as we all know it's lovely in Sydney this time of year.
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We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

2011-05-15T12:47:00.004-04:00

I should be way more excited than I am about this 81 second game. After all, 81 seconds is a really great time and was my fastest time ever just a few weeks ago. The problem is, this was the game that could have very easily been my first in the 60's. If only it wasn't for my damn mouse.

I know, I know. A good craftsman doesn't blame his tools. Blah, blah, blah. I think that's bullshit. If Norm Abrams had a shitty lathe in the New Yankee Workshop that ended up ruining every table leg, I'm pretty sure he'd be like: "Hey PBS, I need a new lathe because this one blows. So sell some more tote bags and get me a good one so I can finish this chest of drawers and go home and pick all the saw dust out of my fucking beard."

I'm only guessing that's what he would say, but you'd have to consult him to see if it's accurate.

Back to my thing. For the last few weeks I've been noticing that sometimes when I try and move the mouse to the right the mouse is moving but the cursor arrow is stuck in one place. I've tried cleaning all the crap off the little bars inside but it still keeps happening. Maybe that's what I get for still having a rollball mouse, but I'm poor. Sue me.

The end result of this mouse-function is there are times in a minesweeper game when I can't get to the square I need to mark with a flag or click on. And that kills good scores. This week I was grooving to some Priscilla Ahn while playing when I got the greatest gift a minesweeper could ask for: a quick start. I clicked on a new game to get started and half the boxes cleared leaving the perfect opportunity for a really fast game. By the time I was down to 9 mines left to go I was only at 55 seconds and I started to get excited. (I know, my life is kind of sad, but what can I do?) Then the mouse started fucking with me and I ended up having to pick it up and tap it down to get it to move right.

By the time I made it through the next 9 mines I ended up with this 81 second game, which didn't live up to the high standard set by Kate Upton's breasts in the background. I'm sorry Kate. I'm sorry. It was all the mouse's fault, you have to believe me.

Anatomy of a Perfect "Man Day"

2011-05-14T08:33:00.002-04:00

Not only is my career interregnum winding down, it's getting ready to crash headlong into a 50 hour, 6 day work week. No doubt this 180 degree transition is going to be a shock to my system, like jumping out of a sauna into the Arctic Sea. So before I take the plunge I thought I should have a bit of fun. Inky and I talked about taking a trip somewhere, but now didn't seem like the right time to spend all the money it would take to do something fun. So Inky, being the 12 time defending Wife of the Year that she is suggested that I take a day out for myself to do all the things I love to do. So that's what I did.

So on Thursday I left the house after noon and set my course for Charm City. On a trip like this it's always important to keep your strength up, so my first priority was getting some grub. I headed to the Highlandtown neighborhood to a place called the G&A Restaurant. Long famous for their Coney style dogs, I was torn about what to get. I opted for a Coney dog appetizer followed by their signature sliders which were amazing.

The burgers were cooked perfectly, and were complemented very well by the ketchup, mustard and pickle. The fries were also excellent and arrived pipping hot, fresh from the oil. I'm sure I'll be back to Eastern Ave to try something else from their menu, but with no AC it might have to wait till October or so.

After the G&A my next stop was just a few miles away on Baltimore St where I was in search of T&A. If forced to choose between a place like the G&A and a good ole fashioned strip club, I just don't know what I would do. Luckily, I don't have to make that choice and I followed up my lunch with a little trip to Uncle Larry's, better known as Larry Flint's Hustler Club. Once inside I spent a few hours enjoying myself in the company of a few otherwise bored strippers. Being the afternoon shift it was just me for the first hour I was there and I became kind of like their pet, albeit a buck at a time.

After getting only my second ever menage-a-lapdance I thought I might be done for the day, but alas the spiked heal of fate had other ideas for me. One of the dancers accidentally kicked me in the shoulder on stage and to thank me for being cool about it she offered me an extra long dance. To turn down such a thank you from a nice young lady would have been ungallant of me. Four songs later I was faced with a dilemma which saw me phone a friend for help Regis style.

I had enough money left for another lap dance (and there was one more dancer I had my eye on) or enough for a ticket to the O's game. I texted XL to see what he would do in my situation and when he heard about the embarrassment of riches that was my afternoon of denim grinding he implored me to go to the ballpark. For one thing, the O's best young pitcher in years, Zach Britton, was pitching. Second: the weather was about as good as you get for a ball game. And third, it was Vladimir Guerrero t-shirt day. So off I went.

I opted for a cheep dinner outside of the park at a sandwich place called Jimmy Johns which is a chain new to the Baltimore area. Once I packed away my #5 Vito, chips and about five cups of Tea I went over to the ballpark not knowing what to expect from by beloved O's.

Times are tough in birdland these days with the team failing to even finish above .500 since 1997. But, I always try and remain positive, even when the last 13 years have shown me that I probably shouldn't. On this day, however, everything clicked in to place. Britton had about as good a game as I've seen a 23 year old throw in years posting 9 innings of shut out ball while walking none, striking out 5 and giving up just 3 hits.

Sadly, the Seattle's Jason Vargas was nearly as good (9/7/0/1/4) and the game went into extra innings with no score. I thought my perfect day might be ruined when Ichiro scored for the M's in the top of the 12th but there was a bit of Orioles Magic waiting in the the bottom. The good guys loaded the bases on a single and two HBP's and after one out J.J. Hardy singled in 2 runs to win it.

I drove all the way home with a big smile on my face, after what was a fantastic day. When I got home I got one more reason to smile when I tried on the free t-shirt I had picked up at the game. (picture above) It's been a real long time since I've been able to wear the shirts they give away, but now I can. The only thing missing in my day was a bit of company in the form of Inky or XL, but we'll have plenty of time to try for another perfect day later.
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Not Because It's Friday...

2011-05-13T08:42:00.001-04:00

I really hate today's date. I'm not bothered by the whole Friday the Thirteenth shit because I don't get down like that. I'm pissed because this date represents the one day of the calender year that Inky and I have been in Australia more than once. We left Melbourne on May 13th back in '05 (also a Friday by coincidence) and we arrived in Sydney on the 13th in '08. So on this day I can think back both three and six years to what was going on our two trips down under.

It's also hard because it is almost as if we are missing our date with Oz. We had every intention of going back this year, and we almost certainly would have gone in May. I'll borrow a line from the Flight of the Conchords song "Business Time" when I say that "It's when everything is just right". Even though Aussies speak about the May weather like Floridians talk about their November weather Inky and I find it divine. It's not too hot but it is far from cold. Most days in Sydney or Melbourne will be around 50. Perfect jeans and sweatshirt weather. Plus, in the Outback or the Northern cities it would only be in the 80's as opposed to well over 100 in their summer.

Besides the weather, the Aussie fall is also when the AFL is in full swing. So Inky and I can go see the Cats play, which is always a good thing. One of the major reasons we like going, however, is that April and May is one of the cheapest times to go Down Under. Off peak season is just fine with me, though, so don't tell too many people or they may start going then too and Qantas may start raising their rates.

Maybe we'll make it back to Australia next year. And if not, it'll be the year after. One thing is for sure, I'll be back some day soon. Till then, I'll do some more borrowing, this time from my Jewish friends. On this May 13th Inky and I will raise a glass and say "Next year in Melbourne!"
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Keep the Peace, or We Could Be in Pieces

2011-05-12T05:04:00.001-04:00

While many people see this photo as a cute mishap between a loved pet and a loved stuffed animal, I see it as a crime scene. Where's the yellow crime scene tape? Where is the chalk outline of poor old Scooby? More importantly, where is the justice?

This lovable lil guy is Frank The Tank, who is owned by the lovely Lauren Phillips of Melbourne Australia. Inky and Greazy follow her on Twitter because she dates Gary Ablett Jr who used to play for their Aussie Rules team. I'm sure she, like most of you humans, value their living pets above their stuffed ones, but we have feelings too. If you prick us do we not spill stuffing? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you leave us out in the rain do we not mildew? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?

That's right motherfuckers, I read Shakespeare too.

I was lucky growing up in that Greazy's family didn't have too many pets. By the time they got a dog full time I had moved to Pennsylvania with Greazy for college so I never had to worry about being torn limb from limb like Scooby. I did have to survive a dozen or so dicey years ducking the wrath of Greazy's older brother who loved nothing more than torturing me. I got back at him by fucking his beloved stuffed dog Jennifer.

In the end I just want to remind all of you to look out for all your fluffy friends. Keep the stuffed ones away from the breathing ones and we'll all be happy.
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Two Sides

2011-05-10T00:17:00.000-04:00

This week is a lot like the last week of August to me. Back in the days when I trod the grass of a college campus like wild animals once roamed the frontier I was always conflicted in the last week of August, or thereabouts. Of course, no matter what the seasonal calender may tell us, we all know that the last week of August is the herald of the end of summer. Once Labor Day comes everyone is back in school.

I know what you're thinking: "But Greazy, didn't you love college?" Sure I did. I loved hanging out with my friends. I loved doing shit just because I could and I loved living a life where fifteen credit hours and a bit of studying was considered full time. But truth be told, I also dreaded each new semester and the reasons behind those feelings have crept up on me over the last few days.

While most people who meet me would come away thinking that I am extremely confidant, some would say overconfident even, that couldn't be further from the truth. I didn't send out my first college application until February of my senior year of high school. Hell, I didn't even take the SAT's until a few months before. I wasn't going to go to college. I was going to go into the Navy. I didn't think I had what it took to make it through college in six years, let alone four.

I have very little self confidence, and none of my early successes could assuage that feeling in me. I made it through college, despite always thinking I was one semester or class away from not being able to make it. I got jobs after graduation despite doubts that dealt less with my ability and more with my desire, but they kept coming nonetheless. But still I have always been nagged by self doubt.

It always cropped up in late August as a new year of college beckoned, and now it is gnawing at me again as I prepare to end my career interregnum. I'm going back to work next week, and I'm being haunted by all those same feelings I had way back when. Part of me is excited to be getting back in gear, while the other part is full of questions and doubts. It's as if you could draw a line down the center of me and I could have to diametrically opposed views on what is about to happen.

I just hope the side that used to always win finds away to notch another victory this time around. I'm sorely in need of one.
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Swan Song?

2011-05-08T12:14:00.003-04:00

I just didn't have it this week. I played a few games early in the week and got some absolutely awful returns. My poor performance may stem from the fact that my wait is finally over and it looks like I'm going back to work next week. That should make me excited right? Well it would if I had managed to find a job making what I once made doing what I once did, but alas that is not the case.

I'll be working six days a week for a lot less money than my resume dictates I should make and all the while I'll be doing something I out and out hate. So, even thought I'm happy that I won't have to sell bodily fluids to pay the mortgage, I'm still a bit down and out this week. And it showed in my minsweeping.

I tried to recapture the magic of listing to the Geelong pre-game show in KRock while I played late Friday night, but the best I could return was this 90 second game. If you look at the picture below, it's almost like Kate Upton is saying: "That's the best you can do? 90 seconds? Doesn't my amazing chest do anything for you?"

I'm sorry I let you down Kate, I'll try harder next week. After that, who's to say what will become of my minesweep time trials. Working between 45 and 65 hours a week will mean a lot less computer time to be sure. So, that might bring the minsweeping, let alone the blogging to a halt.

Ron Paul is Right. Wait... What?

2011-05-06T10:35:00.003-04:00

One of the amazing things about our modern political discourse is the last of people practicing what they preach. So many conservatives talk about how they don't want government to meddle in the private lives of citizens, and yet they want government to legislate morality all over the place. No prostitution. No drugs. No marriages if they think it's icky. It is a total inconsistency between action and message and the fact that they are not called on it more often is maddening.

In to that breach step Ron Paul, who is a guy who walks it like he talks it. He also has no chance of winning the Republican nomination because he actually follows the message of conservatism to most of it's logical conclusions. That is, he doesn't opt out of what makes sense to him based on the interpretation of a thousands of years old book of questionable origin.
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You Mess With the Bull: You Get the Horns

2011-05-05T08:27:00.000-04:00

VIDEO: Killer panda

I'm sure there will be all sorts of Peacock lovers out there that will be calling for this panda be be put down because of what he did. That's some bullshit. That peacock deserved what it got, I mean, look at it's bright plumage... it was asking for it! If you're going to wander into the panda enclosure looking like that you have to know that you might get eaten.

That's just science.

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Not as Bad as I Wanted it to be

2011-05-04T16:55:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you watch a movie and you are surprised that it is much better than you expected. More often than not, however, you watch a movie and it is way worse than you expected. Inky and I had an interesting experience last night when we watched "Burlesque". It wasn't wasn't either better or worse than we expected. It was really bad, but not as bad as I was hoping for.

When I put "Burlesque" in our Netflix queue I was hoping for and epically bad movie along the lines of "Showgirls" or "Center Stage". I was hoping for unintentionally funny dialog and overwrought acting. I was hoping for totally unnecessary close ups of the rock hard bodies of dancers. But I was left unfulfilled by Christina Aguilera and the cast, writers and producers of "Burlesque".

In the end all it was was an awfully bad movie, not a movie that's so bad it's great like "Evil Dead" or "Bring it On". I don't know what's worse: going into a movie hoping that it is going to be good only to be let down, or going into a movie hoping for it to be bad in a good way and then it turns out to just be bad. It's sad when a movie fails to live down to your expectations.
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We Get it, You Guys Are Totally Butch

2011-05-03T00:01:00.001-04:00

You may recognize this as a photo taken during President Obama's Sunday night speech in which he let the world know that a Navy Seal team had killed Osama bin Laden. I'm not, in any way shape or form, questioning the President, his advisors or the military when it comes to the work they did from top to bottom on this amazing, made for the silver screen special ops killing.

A tip of the cap to all who were involved from the Pres right down to the guys who fueled up the choppers. You are all American heroes.

What I am questioning is the "Not Gay Seat" placement of the Obama's senior advisors in this photo. All the way on the right we see VP Biden and Secretary of State Clinton just kicking it watching B-Rock do his thing on the mic. To the left of Hillary is Admiral Mike Mullin, who is sitting all up on Hillary, because, you know, it's cool, she doesn't have a dick. But to his left we get the "Not Gay Seat" employed by frat boys in movie theatres to prove just how straight they are.

Leon Panetta, Tom Donilon and James Clapper don't want anyone to think that they aren't straight as the gunshot wound in bin Laden's head. "No homos here. Just straight Hawks who love pussy and killing! America, fuck yeah."
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Do You Peanut Butter Take Hazelnut to be Your Lawfully Wedded Bride?

2011-05-02T17:20:00.003-04:00

In the spirit of celebration that comes along with Osama getting capped I decided to be a bit festive at lunch today. I was thinking about having either a Nutella sandwich or a PB&J, but I decided to have the best of both worlds. And so I spread some Super Chunk one one piece of bread and some Nutella on the other.

After a brief ceremony and the exchange of vows I brought the two together in a union that no man shall put asunder. The resulting lunchtime treat is what I am calling the Nutellanutter, and it was my version of the Royal Wedding minus a younger sister trying to upstage the Princess.

I strongly urge you to go to your kitchen at this very moment and make one for yourself. It's like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on bread. By no means is this every day food, especially in light of my recent diet and weight loss. What it is, however, is one of the best things you will ever put in your mouth.

You're welcome.
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Where Are My Bell Bottoms? Cause I'm in the 70's

2011-04-30T09:25:00.000-04:00

Even when I set my sights on playing a game of minesweeper in fewer than 80 seconds I didn't think it was really possible. Everything has to go just right to get a game in the mid 80's so you really have to get a good draw to break the 80 barrier. Never the less, that's what happened to me earlier this week.

It was late on Tuesday night and I was sitting by the computer listening to the pregame coverage of the Geelong Cats game vs Hawthorne. Since the bastards at ESPN3 didn't make this game available in video form on line, I had to settle for the radio broadcast on K-Rock out of Geelong. And since there was nothing for me to see, I decided to play a little minesweeper while I listened.

So, I set another Kate Upton pic as my backdrop and I started clicking away. I played a few good games, including one at 88 seconds, but since I was listing to the pregame I wasn't paying full attention. Then I got a really good start on a game and decided to tune Cam Mooney out for a second while I tried for a personal best score. The result is this 79 which represents the best I ever did in either minesweeper or solitaire. Plus, the Cats won, so it was good news all around.

XL is 35!

2011-04-29T11:50:00.003-04:00

Christ we are getting old. But, to be fair, XL is getting older faster than I am. Today is his 35th birthday and tomorrow he's coming to York to celebrate it. We've got a nice little Saturday planned. We're going to Home Depot to pick out some wall paper, then maybe we'll hit Big Lou's for some BBQ. I don't know. I don't know if we'll have enough time.

In all seriousness, I don't know what we're going to do to celebrate this momentous occasion in XL's life. We are just as likely to drive to Cincinnati to see a Reds game and have some skyline chili as we are to go to the batting cages here in York. That's what makes it fun for us, the not knowing. Either way I'm sure we'll have a blast and eat food that is very bad for us. It's what we do. It's kind of our thing.

Let's all take this time to sing Taco's Birthday Song to XL and wish him a happy 35th.
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Following the Example

2011-04-28T00:39:00.002-04:00

Yesterday the President of this land finally gave up and showed all the fuckwits out there is birth certificate. I can't believe we've come to this, but, here we are. I have no idea what people think happened 50 years ago but I guess it goes something like this: Black man and white woman want to take over the USA. So they have an interracial baby (Because that was all the rage in the early 60's, which were basically the 50's for all intents and purposes) in Kenya. They think ahead and call two newspapers in Hawaii and place birth announcements in the paper so in a few decades their offspring can rise up and turn all the Christian NASCAR lovin' folk into dirty Muslims and queers.

People are WAY stupid these days. I know how hard it is to be half black and half white in modern America. Even though I am a panda teddy bear, I have felt the scorn of those around me. God forbid I even think of going out in public on a date with a stuffed polar bear and I might get strung up. It all comes down to a lack of respect, trust and empathy.

People out there have it tough, and so they think that other people couldn't have it as tough as them. They think that everyone else is juking the system and they are the only ones who have a hard time in life. They can't possibly consider how hard it is to be truly different in this ever homogenizing world and as a result they become even more suspicious of anyone who doesn't buy in to their idea of what it means to be an American.

In the past, people have questioned me too. I'm a stuffed panda. I'm of Chinese decent. I'm not what they think of as real American. Well I got news for all the daughter kissing tea baggers out there. Like George Washington and Hulk Hogan before me: I am a real American, my birth certificate says so.

Read it and weep bitches!
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In the Neighborhood: Lebanon, PA

2011-04-27T09:11:00.001-04:00

It's not often that someone makes a movie set in and around my hood, so I thought I'd point this one out. It's called "Lebanon, PA" and is set in that tiny town famous for its bologna. Not since Witness and Kingpin have movie cameras come to Central Pennsylvania, so this is kind of a big deal for folks around here. I guess. Who knows at this point. I just thought I would point it out and maybe if I have a few hours to spare I'll go out and check it out.

If you'd like to as well you can check out the movie's web site.
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The Waiting is the Hardest Part

2011-04-26T01:43:00.000-04:00

When I was 14 my sister took me down to the pizza parlor she worked at and told them I would make a great mop up boy/dishwasher. After they talked to me for a while they told me they'd call and let me know. Two days later I was sitting in the family dining room literally staring at the phone, waiting for it to ring. My mother walked in and said something like "you know staring at that thing won't make it ring you know" at which moment it did in fact ring. Not only did that moment prove to me, yet again, that parents don't always know what they are talking about, it was also my first experience with waiting by the phone for something I wanted.

A few years later, when I was in college, it was a summer job working in a factory that I was waiting to hear about. More time spent sitting by the phone waiting to hear back and more "a watched pot never boils" wisdom from Mom and Dad. Now, even all these years and jobs later, I still can't stand the waiting. It kills me, in fact.

I had a interview on Friday for a job that, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't have wanted very much a year ago. The guy told me that he'd call me the next day, which of course was Saturday so I wasn't worried that I didn't hear from him despite the fact that I knew he was working. It was Saturday after all. So I figured it would come Monday but the day came and went with no call.

Try as I might I couldn't get the phone to ring by staring it down like I could twenty years ago.

Maybe this guy subscribes to the three days rule like we're dating or something. Maybe it's not a priority to the people who are doing the hiring even though it can be of the utmost importance to the job seeker. Maybe I'm finally getting yanged for tall the good luck Yig I used to have. Who knows?

I'm just dreading another day of staring at the phone waiting for it to ring so I can get excited about getting a job that still represents the huge failuer of my entire adult life.
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Stuck in the 80's

2011-04-24T11:00:00.003-04:00

After last week's amazing triumph of getting to 81 seconds I was sure that I was going to bust into the 70's this week. Alas, the best I could do was a tie with my personal best yet again. How could I not do better to honor the death and Resurrection of such a cherished deity. I'm speaking, of course, about Lindsay Lohan who was kicked off a movie this week only to rise again and be cast in a different role.

For this particular game I decided to go with yet another leading lady as my back drop. I opted for Kate Upton, who is arguably the next big thing in hardly dressed modeling. She should end up on the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue around '13 or '14. For music I was bopping to the thing I'm most thankful for this week, namely the Paul Kelly Tribute Record "Before Too Long" which is finally available on iTunes. Now I just need to make my way into the 70's and all will be right with the world. Oh yeah, and I need to get a job too. Can't forget about that.

Song Spotlight: Hayes Carll "KMAG YO YO"

2011-04-22T03:00:00.000-04:00

Here's an early contender for my favorite song of the year. I love the toe tapping country feel to the song, but I also dig the irreverent lyrics that tell an amusing little story set in a positively un-amusing time and place. Carll is best known for his 2008 hit "She Left Me For Jesus" which is decidedly more country but also very funny. Witness the lines "If I ever find Jesus, I'm kicking his ass" and "I bet he's a commie, or even worse yet: a Jew."

His newest effort is even better, since it's less camp and a bit more good ole country. Plus, there's less of a chance that he'll get stoned by a right wing fundamentalist over this one. That doesn't mean its not good though!

Well, daddy joined the Air Force
Said, it was a good source
Danger, love, and money, but it
only led to divorce

Ended up in Abilene
Working at a Dairy Queen
Put me in the Army on the
day that I turned seventeen

Here I am standin’ in the
desert with a gun
Thought of going AWOL but I’m
too afraid to run

So I got myself a new plan
Stealin’ from the Taliban
Make a little money turning
poppies into heroin

Sergeant didn’t like it so they
put me in a hole
I said, “It’s easy shootin’ when they
don’t know where to go.”

Threw me on a lily pad
Sent me home to NORAD.
I knew I’d be in trouble but I
didn’t think it be this bad.

Stranger wearin’ all black
Met me on the tarmac
Told him I was sorry but
I ain’t ever going back

He said, you ain’t in trouble son
Learn to fight without a gun
Got a new assignment now, you’re
working for the Pentagon

Gonna take a trip, wouldn’t
tell me what it’s for
Gotta serve your country, gonna
help us win the war

MIT, Ph.D.’s,
night and day, they’re testing me
Ain’t what I was thinking but I’m
being all that I can be

I ain’t no genius but I
knew it wasn’t right
Eating uppers in the morning
and LSD at night

Send me off to deep space
Help ‘em win the arms race
Ola me, oh mighty, but this
shit has got a funny taste.

I think I hear the countdown
Hundred feet above the ground
Told me when I’m leavin’ but
a’nothing ‘bout a’coming down

Sittin’ on a bad dream
Thousand pounds of gasoline
Ain’t leavin’ nothing but some
rubble and my slipstream

Mama always said, I should be
aimin’ for the moon
Never would’ve guessed that I’d be
passin’ by soon

How the hell’d I get here?
Blastin’ through the atmosphere
Drop the rocket boosters and I’m
shiftin’ into high gear.

Bowie on the system and a
bottle on my knee
Armstrong ain’t got nothing on me

Hey ho, here we go
KMAG YOYO
Someone wanna get me, gotta
come up where the sun don’t go.

I think I see a bright light
Something ‘bout it ain’t right
I laid down in a space ship
Woke up in a fire-fight

Trippin’ from the morphine
Came down in a bad scene
God, don’t let me die here,
I ain’t even 19

I won’t ever ask you, Lord for
anything again
I’ll swear it on the Bible,
Torah or Koran

Lyin’ in a rhino track
‘Bout to have a heart attack
IED got to me,
someone call the Medevac

I need some fixin’ after
where it is I’ve been
Never wanna go and try and
shoot a gun again

Slippin’ out the back door
Gonna join the Peace Corps
Tell me, I’m a hero now, so
Someone else can fight this war.

And Greazy Says I Need Work Done?

2011-04-21T00:50:00.002-04:00

I'm going to try and make this short because I'm not exactly overflowing with self confidence these days, and I see no reason to wallow. Everyone knows how much I hate that bitch Winnie T. Pooh. Our beef goes back a ways, and I think it's fair to say there is some jealousy on my part involved in this whole thing.

Every day that passes he gets more and more famous, with the love of kids world wide and his picture everywhere. Well, not his actual picture. It's like saying that a picture of the Genie from Aladdin is a picture of Robin Williams. The photos you're used to seeing of Pooh are, of course, his cartoon likeness. The nappy sad sack you see above is the REAL Pooh. Not so lovable now is he? He looks sadder than Misery Bear and that's saying something because he looks as sad as Jim Breuer looks stoned.

It just goes to show you how unfair the world is. I'm a mature bear in need a of a bit of needle and thread work but I'm seen as old and ugly by most who meet me. Pooh is older and in WAY worse shape and he gets a fucking display in the New York Public Library.

Bull shit, man. Bull fucking shit.
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What Ever Happened To A Plain Old Pair o' D's?

2011-04-20T15:40:00.006-04:00

In what can only be called a complete 180 from yesterday's post, today I'm talking about porn. More specifically: Porn parodies. I hear you asking "Greazy, what is a porn parody" well I'll tell you. It's when you take a popular TV show or movie, like CBS's Big Bang Theory, and fill it with fucking. In the completely suitable for work trailer for The XXX Big Bang Theory (see it here) you see that the characters and settings all remain the same. The only difference is we get to see Sheldon toss Penny's salad... or something like that.

I wouldn't know, because I like my porn like I like my Habitat for Humanity projects: with nothing but screwing and nailing. And anal. Lots and lots of anal. I've never seen a porno with a storyline that I have ever found compelling weather it had totally original characters or ones stolen from someone else's intellectual property. The acting just isn't good enough to add anything sexual to the proceedings. And if there is going to be talking and story arcs in a porn I only want it if it is going to arouse me by letting me into the mind of the participants. Otherwise, the sex is all I need.

If I want comedy and a wank then I'll watch an episode of Big Bang Theory and then get on YouPorn or pop a DVD in. There is no reason to combine the two. Especially when you realize how unfunny these supposed wacky and zany pornos are. It all adds up to a whole lot of fast forwarding or hitting of the next track button to see the XXX action. Only, when you get to it the people banging all have awful costumes on that really distract from the stated purpose of porn: watching people do the nasty.

I know that I may be on the outside looking in on this phenomenon. God knows there are a million of these stories in the "Fan Fiction" world of written erotica. Want to know what it would be like if Kelly and Ryan from "The Office" seduced Erin? Just bop on over to Literotica.com and you can read all about it. If that's not your speed you can read a phone sex conversation between Lost's Jack and Kate. The list goes on and on including some really out there shit.

Anyone who knows me will say that I am no prude. If this is how people like to get off then that's great. Mazel Tov. Stroke in peace. It just seems like a whole lot of artifice to me. The erotica, at the very least, can be well done from time to time. The written word and a voluminous knowledge of the characters and storyline can allow for a fantasy within a well known fictional universe. Think of a Trekkie writing a story about Picard and Riker running the train on Counselor Troi. It's not my thing, but I get it because you, as the end user, can take the words and apply them to characters you know and conceptualize the fantasy in your own head.

The same can't be said about the movies, in this porn aficionado's humble opinion. Even if I really wanted to see Hawkeye pound Hot Lips(which I don't, I should mention in full disclosure) the actors and sets in the MASH spoof would distract me from any enjoyment what so ever. Not to mention that no movie will ever be able to compete with my sick, twisted brain. You can make the House parody all you want, but whoever you get to play Thirteen won't be an iota as hot as Olivia Wilde and so, for me at least, the moment will be lost.

That's just not how I get down.
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Movie Review: The Conspirator

2011-04-19T19:41:00.004-04:00

In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that I had particular motivation to see Robert Redford's new movie about the trial of Mary Surratt. She is my Great Aunt to the 5th power. As a kid my mother told us stories of the Jenkins family and our ties to Surratt. She reinforced in us the idea that Mary was railroaded by a government desperate to heal the wounds of the Civil War and as such she became a kind of martyr to our Nation when she was hung.

So, sufficed to say, I went into the movie with one side of the story well covered. I was happy to find that sides weren't really played out in the film, as it were. With out a doubt the film shows how Mary was denied due process owed to any citizen accused of a crime by their government. I'd also go so far as to say that the way the story unfolds would tend to point a person who came in without an opinion on Mary's guilt or innocence purely toward the innocent side of the ledger. But, it wasn't in anyway heavy handed in its portrayal.

The movie is visually stunning and superbly acted by just about everyone who appeared in it. And there were so many recognizable faces in this movie from Robin Wright, James McAvoy, Kevin Kline and Tom Wilkinson on the very well known side to Justin Long, Evan Rachel Wood and Alexis Bledel on the up and coming front. Plus, there were a host of 'hey, it's that guy' actors in the movie like Colm Meaney (Miles O'Brien from Star Trek), Danny Huston (Sam Adams in the HBO mini John Adams) and my favorite Jim True-Frost (Pryzbylewski from the Wire).

The movie tells a story that is complex and fraught with ethical and patriotic questions that were everywhere during Reconstruction. It serves as a wonderful piece of art in that it casts a light on a historical event without being heavy handed. It also provokes thought about the very nature of our society and how strongly we believe the things we say we believe.
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To Titletown and Back!

2011-04-18T00:17:00.004-04:00

One of the absolute worst things about my career interregnum has been the lack of trips. Even though Inky and I have made a few short jaunts to Philly and NYC for her readings, for the most part we've been stationary for the whole time. That's why I jumped at the chance to do a two thousand mile round trip into the vast frozen wasteland that is the American Mid-west just a few months ago.

It was the night of the Super Bowl and I had been texting with a good friend of mine who is a huge Packer-backer. Brandon loves Green Bay as much as I love the Skins and O's and it could be argued that he loves them more since he named his kid after one of the players. As things started to look good for the Pack he texted me that he was leaving first thing in the morning for Green Bay so he could be there for the celebration on Tuesday. I told him that if he needed someone to tag along to keep him company I would jump at the chance. The next thing I know Inky was dropping me off at 6 AM so he and I could head out.

He explained to me that he had mapped the whole trip out when the Packers had contended for the Super Bowl but came up short a few years ago. Our first task was to drive all the way to Cleveland without stopping so we could make it to the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame in time for the noon showing of the U2 3D show. Sadly, we got a bit lost and so we had to catch the next performance. So we parked near Jacobs Field and had lunch in a sports bar on E. 9th St. while we waited for the show.

After U2 we hit the road again and we were determined to make it all the way to Green Bay before the night was out. We stopped in South Bend for dinner and lucked into a great little Irish Pub (when in Rome, right?) called Fiddler's Hearth where I had one hell of a steak sandwich.

After eating we braved our way through snow flurries in Indiana, Illinois and Wisconsin but we were pot committed. I had called XL and asked him to check the hotel situation in Green Bay and we found out that rooms were scarce, so we booked one of the last ones on the drive. At about 2 AM we hauled our tired asses into the hotel room for some sleep. What follows is a photo essay of the rest of the trip with some commentary.

I thought it was cold when I went to Chicago back in '08 when it was 5 degrees out. But that was child's play compared to what 5 degrees feels like in Green Bay. As psyched as I was to finally lay my eyes on the football Cathedral that is Lambeau I was worried that my eyes would freeze.

We went to the Packers Hall of Fame and Museum to see the exhibits (like this hands on one, look at that perfect three point stance bitches!) but also to warm up and avoid losing a limb.

Since both Brandon and I are nothing more than big children we had to take time to enjoy all the hands on exhibits. This is a full scale mock up of Vince Lombardi's office and I had to take a load off in the big man's chair for bit.

Next up on my childlike romp through the museum was this display where I took my shot at a Lambeau Leap. It was nice of Brandon to take this shot in such a way that makes it seem like I might actually be leaping. Of course my left foot is firmly on the ground.

In all seriousness, anyone who considers themselves a football fan has to make the trip to Lambeau. I might suggest doing so for late September game to avoid frostbite but it is a must on the "sports things to do before I die" list.

After our tour and shopping in the team store we had some time to kill before the ceremony started. So we went to Brett Favre's steak house, which was right across from our hotel. I got another steak sandwich, which was awesome, but I couldn't pass up this chance to take a picture of Brett's meat. I was not wearing Crocs.

When we got to the ceremony we saw this guy out front. I couldn't decide if he was: A) Drunk B) A sex offender C) Crazy or D) All of the above.

I think my previous cold weather experience in Chicago did me a disservice. I brought all the same cold weather gear I had on that trip since they had done a great job of keeping me warm. They did next to nothing in the Wisconsin cold and by half way through the celebration I was thinking about cutting Brandon open Ton-Ton style.

It was really cool to be there with all those Packers fans who were just so excited to be a part of their team's win. When the Cats won in '07 and '09 Inky and I didn't have anyone to celebrate with like this, and God knows I have no hope of going to DC or Baltimore for a parade any time soon.

After the big party we braved the traffic and made our way South. We stopped for dinner at a place called Spokes outside Milwaukee that had a special on hot dogs and sausages. Since my diet was already screwed I got a Chicago style, a polish and a cup of chili. I'm sure you've guessed this already, but there was a whole lot of gas in that car. And I'm not talking about the tank.

After dinner we made it as far as South Bend before we had to stop and get a hotel. In the morning we went over to the UND campus and saw the Golden Dome, Touchdown Jesus and the Football stadium. It was still very cold out and, judging by the face I'm making in this picture, I may have still had a bit of that gas I was talking about.

After Notre Dame we grabbed some lunch and then pointed east till we ended up back in Central PA. All told it was 2,000 miles in 62 hours with next to no sleep. What little sleep I did get the first night in Green Bay came in the bathtub because Brandon snored so loud I could block it out. I found some respite by taking all my bedding into the tub, but I could still hear him. I got about two hours and spent much of that Tuesday in a daze. When we got to South Bend on Tuesday night nothing short of physical abuse was going to keep me from sleeping. I got about 7 hours before we headed out for the campus and then the trip home.

Once I'm back at work I hope to plan another trip real soon. It's one of the things I love the most in this world and I always feel more alive when I'm on the road with Inky or XL. Fingers crossed it will happen real soon.
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Just Call Me REO Speedwagon...

2011-04-17T08:28:00.000-04:00

...because I'm rocking in the early 80's. Next up: the 70's? Who knows. All I know for sure is that I spent a little time mine sweeping on a rainy Saturday and I ended up with another career best time. Sure, it's only one second better than my previous high water mark, but the important thing is that it's forward movement.

As I said last week I decided to ditch Kelly Brook for a bit as my background inspiration. So I opted for the lovely Elle Basey as my background for Saturday's games and she brought me a great result. I also have to tip my cap to Paul Kelly for having so many amazing songs. I was rolling through my Paul Kelly playlist on iTunes while playing and he always keeps the great tunes coming.

Now that I have a faster time in minesweeper than I ever had in solitaire I don't know where to go from here. I'll keep at it for a while while I hope to play that mythical one minute game, but I may be tapped out.

Washed Away

2011-04-16T14:16:00.004-04:00

Earlier this week I was all ready to do some yard work but then the rains came. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much washed out by those damn April showers. I, for one, couldn't care less if we didn't get any May flowers, thank you very much.

So Inky and I spent Thursday afternoon out in our front yard pulling up thousands of rocks that I laid between our driveway and our neighbors driveway less than three years ago. They did the job well for the first year, but then we started to get weeds growing on top of the black plastic weed-block which kind of defeats the purpose of putting that stuff down.

Add to that the fact that all manner of garbage and leaves ended up trundling down the hill and getting caught in there and we had a situation that needed another solution. So, Inky and I pulled up all the rocks and removed the black plastic in order to put down some grass seed. We figure it won't matter if some weeds grow in there with the grass because when the people come to do the landscaping they'll just weed-wack the lot of it and we'll be square.

So for a few hours on both Thursday and Friday we worked at our task and by last evening it was all done. Just in time for today's torrent of rain. Fuck! We'll see how it turns out, but it's supposed to rain for something like 998 of the next 1000 days so I may be buying some more grass seed at some point.

In the meantime I'll just sit here and listen to Paul Kelly sing "Midnight Rain" on my foul weather playlist and hope for sunnier days.
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Book It!

2011-04-14T00:06:00.000-04:00

I know most people think of me as nothing more than a rag or a sock. I get it. I'm not what you would call a conventional blogger, but I can't try to be more than I am. I'm just plain old Theodore.

My plain and unassuming appearance belies a life of experience. I turned 34 last week to very little fanfare from Greazy and Inky. Sure, they commented on my FaceBook page but that's really the least bit of acknowledgement you can pay someone on their birthday these days. But I'm getting away from the point, which is: I've seen some stuff in my life.

I think I've led a unique life. And as such, I want to write a book. Sure the blogging is fun and all, but really I'm only doing it to help Greazy out. I'll open up a bit here, but what I really want to do is spill my stuffing out on to the page. I have deep emotional scars to go along with the real life scars that mar my once beautiful visage.

I ran with a fast crowd in New York City in the 80's. I got into drugs, organized crime and stuffed animal prostitution. I carried on a three year affair with Mama Berenstain; a transgression made all the worse because Papa was my attorney and long time confidant and golfing buddy. I made a ton of money short selling the market in '87 only to lose most of it at card tables, including one night where I lost 250 grand to Teddy Ruxpin.

That was only Act 1 of my story, however. By the early 90's Greazy was off to the Seminary and I found myself on more solid footing as well. I landed a gig as consultant and executive director of the shot lived Hanna Barbera series "The Adventures of Don Coyote and Sancho Panda" which was my first experience with story telling. When that ended I spent some time riding the Amtrak from Central Jersey down to D.C. to serve as a translator for the Giant Pandas at the National Zoo. After that came college, which I undertook at the same time Greazy did, but at a different school in the same town.

During my time in D.C. I got involved in an on going card game with a group of shady and really intense guys. I forgot all about them for a few years until we moved to the Baltimore area. One day when Greazy and Inky were both at work these men came to our apartment and talked me into going to work for a government agency that I can't name. Sufficed to say, I traveled a whole lot and my ability to speak, read and write Chinese came in handy.

The last decade or so has been a time of leisure for me, and during that time I have started to gather the material that will make up my memoirs. Greazy says I'm like the Forest Gump of the teddy bear community, and I don't know if that is an insult or a complement. Either way, that movie made a fuck ton of money so I'm thinking there might be a market for all my stories. Even the one about Ralph Jr. cutting my nose off.
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Chef Greazy Recommends: Tuna Wrap

2011-04-13T07:51:00.000-04:00

Last week I blogged about my weight loss odyssey which has been a two pronged assault. By getting my ass to the gym at least six days a week and cutting back on what I eat I've been able to get myself to a point where I feel pretty fit. I'm not done losing weight, but I don't feel as awful as I once did.

A big change for me has come at lunch time. At most of the jobs I have had since college I have gone out for lunch just about every day. The average calorie count on those meals with soda included must have been well into the four figure territory. It's no wonder I packed on the pounds. Then, when my career interregnum started I was eating some pretty crappy stuff at lunch, and while I was paying less to eat it at home, I was still racking up the calories.

Now, I'm really trying to cut back on the over all calories I eat and also trying to make them count more. One thing I've added to my lunch time repertoire is a really great tuna wrap. I make it using Chobani plain 2% greek yogurt in the place of the mayo which really cuts down on the fat. I mix one can of tuna with the whole container of yogurt and three ribs of celery, chopped. That mixture adds up to 290 calories but I get three meals out of it with each coming in at less than 100. I eat it on a wrap that is normally about 100 to 150 calories and I stuff it with baby spinach which adds on another 20 or so calories.

If you need a bit more flavor than the yogurt provides you can add a tablespoon of mayo to the wrap before putting the ingredients together. I don't always do this but when I do I opt for the canola mayo which ads another 45 calories. All told this wrap will end up at between 275 and 300 calories which when paired with a piece of fresh fruit and a very small serving of chips will provide a satisfying lunch.

Bon appetit.
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The Last Great American Rock Band?

2011-04-12T07:57:00.000-04:00

Last night Inky and I watched the documentary "Back and Forth" about the Foo Fighters. First things first, I love a good Rock-doc and this one was very good. You don't necessarily have to like the band to like the movie, but you don't have to love them either. I just find the life of a band, with all its infighting, drug use and comings and goings, to be very fertile ground for a compelling story. And when the subject is one of your favorite bands, it makes for a very enjoyable couple of hours.

The Foo's are a band that was born and took it's first fledgling steps toward a long and accomplished career completely on my watch. Other bands have come and gone since they formed when I was in college but few if any have enjoyed the staying power of Dave and the boys. I think enjoyed is the most important word in that sentence because it has always been obvious to anyone watching that Dave Grohl likes being a rock star. Sadly for many of my friends in high school, one of his old band mates didn't have the same disposition and ended up eating the business end of a shotgun seventeen years ago.

So Dave had to come out from behind the drums and front his own band, and I think rock music is better off for it. They might not have U2's status as a band crusading to make the world a better place but they have all the chops of an all time great. Watching the doc you realize just how many great songs they have churned out over the last sixteen years. When they burst on the scene there were other "big bands" but that is a phenomenon that is sadly lacking in our world today. The big acts are all solo, R&B, Rap or pop and the music industry is worse for it.

Sure, there are great little rock bands that have taken advantage of the changes in the process of recording and disseminating music. Many of them are great in their own right, but the very mechanism that allows them to reach a small audience with less record company guidance also tends to keep them tethered to that same small audience. In an iTunes world it has become far more important for the big acts to strike quickly with as many cross-promotions and ad placements as possible. Rock bands make records, Lady Gaga makes a collection of ring tone ready singles.

Thank god the Foo's keep doing it and today they release their seventh album: "Wasting Light" to a world that really needs to be rocked. I've got my fingers crossed that it is just what the doctor ordered.
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A Weak Week

2011-04-11T00:32:00.003-04:00

I really thought I was going to have a game in the 70's to post this week, but no such luck. Inky and I spent some time on the road so I wasn't able to really jump into my mine sweeping the way I'd like. I know that sounds like an excuse but it's the truth. It is my solemn vow to do better this week.

This 86 second game came with my "Top 25 Liz Phair Songs" playlist going and yet another wonderful picture of Ms. Kelly Brook on the desktop. With word going around that Kelly is now with child I've been thinking about picking a new lady to help spur me on to minesweeper greatness. I re-watched "Love and Other Drugs" last week and that led me to consider Anne Hathaway for the post. We shall see.

Must Watch: Geelong v Port Adelaide on ESPN 2

2011-04-09T17:21:00.003-04:00

Anyone who reads my blog knows I am a huge fan of the Geelong Cats of the Australian Football League. A few years back Inky and I signed up DirecTv just so we could pay an extra fifteen bucks a month to watch the Cats play. Sadly, the network that carried the AFL, Setanta, went bankrupt and so the rights to broadcast the games were picked up by ESPN. Back in the 80's, when no American sport league would go anywhere near ESPN, they did have the rights to broadcast Aussie Rules.

Now, they are too big for their britches and when they got the rights they promptly buried the games on their on-line only channel: ESPN 3. But, a few times a year they pop an Aussie Rules game on cable for everyone to enjoy. Tonight is one of those nights as the Cats of Geelong will meet the Port Adelaide Power in a game that is a rematch of the 2007 title game. Since then the two teams have gone in vastly different directions. Geelong won another title in '09 and played for the title and lost in '08. Port have fallen on tough times and became a bit of a doormat over the last three years.

The game starts just past midnight tonight, and if you have some time and access to ESPN 2 I highly recommend you check out a few minutes. It is fast paced and full of exciting play. It takes a little time to pick up the rules, but even to the novice it is enjoyable. And as Inky will tell all the ladies out there, the boys do look quite good in their jumpers and shorts. Just sayin'.
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Small Bear in a Big City

2011-04-07T09:34:00.000-04:00

As part of Greazy's ongoing "What we missed on the blog from 2010" series I thought I'd recount one of my best days of last year. Inky had a reading to do in New York and so she and Greazy were planning to spend the day in the city. After I begged and begged Greazy finally agreed to bring me along, which he hasn't done for a long time. I missed out on both of their trips to Oz and countless other business and personal trips over the last few years. So I wasn't taking this opportunity lightly, since it might be the last time I get out for a while.

We started the day off at Arthur's Tavern, which as Greazy said last week is one of his favorite places in Hoboken NJ. After riding the PATH train to the City we walked around a few stores and then got a milkshake at Shake Shack on 8th, across from the Flat Iron Building. Then we did some walking around the Lower East Side before stopping into Teany on Rivington St for some pre-reading Tea to sooth the vocal chords.

Not that Inky needed it by any stretch. She rocked her reading at Happy Endings on Broome and Greazy and I were both so proud of her. To celebrate another successful outing by Inky, we had dinner at Katz's which has always been a favorite destination in our family even before "When Harry Met Sally."

At that point it was late so we jumped the PATH back to the Boken and made our way home. It was nice to be in the city again after so many years away. Back in the 80's when Greazy was really young I used to hitch hike in his dad's briefcase to his office on Church Street down in the financial district. I had a nickle a day coke habit back then, and I spent more than my fair share of time down in Chinatown finding company in the soulless eyes of some of the stuffed ho's that were around in those days.

Then, thanks to some intervention from some of my friends (r.i.p. Racky) I got clean. When Greazy hit his mid to late teens and started sneaking into the city to get drunk with his buddies I always stayed behind. I knew he ultimately wouldn't find what he was looking during those crazy booze filled NYC nights. But, I also knew that I couldn't tell him that. He had to find it out for himself.

It's nice that all these years later we can both head back into the city that never sleeps and enjoy it for what it is and not face those old demons.
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I'm Half the Man I Used to Be.

2011-04-06T14:24:00.005-04:00

OK. Not quite half, but I'm working on it. I don't know just how I let it happen, but sometime between college and when my career interregnum started I ballooned to about 280 pounds. You'd think as a guy who has a family history of men dying of massive heart attacks well before they hit 60 that I would have paid more attention to my weight when my dad had one 8 1/2 years ago. But, I didn't. Through much of the past decade, which encompassed my mid 20's to my early 30's I was right around 270 to the 280's. I could try and blame it on the sedentary office jobs I've had for much of the time since I graduated from college, but that would be excuse making.

I was lazy, and so I got fatter.

That's the long and short of it in my case. I am a person who is prone to weight gain and I did nothing to combat it during the time in my life when it would have been easiest to do. I ate the wrong things and far too much of them to boot. I got next to no exercise other than walking to and from my car or office. As I got bigger I went out and bought new clothes rather than just getting a gym membership. And it's nobodies fault but mine.

Likewise, no one could do the work for me to get the situation back under control. Not that Inky and XL haven't been a huge crutch for me to lean on during the process, because they totally have been. But in the end I had to do the work alone, just as they have had to do their on their own. The funny part for me is that the work isn't the hardest part. Once I'm at the gym I work very hard, but sometimes it's getting to the gym that can be hard. When I'm sore or tired it can be hard to put my workout kit on and make the drive to the gym.

Tomorrow marks six months since I signed up for my gym membership. But the work started before that including really cutting back on the junk I eat. Part of being unemployed is not having the money to just blow on crap you don't need, and that is more true at the supermarket than anywhere. So Inky and I have been eating a whole lot better over the last year and a half which went along way to kick starting things.

Of course any weight loss has to be a combination of cutting back on calories in while also focusing more on calories burned. In the beginning I just went out for long walks whenever the weather allowed, but the progress was slow. From a high water mark of 284 at the time I was laid off I had gotten down to 261.5 when I started at the gym on October 7th of last year. So in 15 months I had dropped 22.5 pounds or about a third of a pound a week.

Then I started going to the gym about 6 days every week. I got a great deal at Planet Fitness where it cost me nothing to sign up and then only ten bucks a month there after. So that's 26 weeks for $60 and for that investment I have gotten myself down to 235.5 representing a 26 pound loss. That's a pound a week for half a year thanks to a whole lot of sweet.

I'm not quite done, but I have to at least pause and reflect on how far I've come. While I'm happy to look a little better, and I also enjoy putting on my much smaller jeans and tee shirts, the real benefit is how much better I feel. I'd like to think I can keep up this pace till October of this year which would see me lose 26 more pounds. I know my "ideal weight" is probably less than 200 pounds, but if I can get below 210 I think I might even buy a few more years for my self. And that's what it's all about for me. A longer, better life to spend with my friends, family and most importantly: the best wife in the world.
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We Couldn't Have Picked a Better Day

2011-04-05T11:41:00.003-04:00

Yesterday XL and I were treated to the rarest of all occasions: a perfect day. It's not that everything went right during the day. Far from it. We didn't find any parking where we thought we would and we didn't get to eat where we had initially planed to. In the end, however, none of that mattered. It's hard to be glum on opening day even when it's raining or snowing, both of which XL and I have dealt with. What greeted us when we arrived in Charm City yesterday was one of those perfect weather days, with temperatures in the high 70's and hardly a cloud in the sky. So we were off to a good start.

Then, we made our way down to South Howard Street, between the Baltimore Convention Center and the new Hilton. That is where the vendors who push various food on ballpark patrons have been relocated thanks to the construction of the aforementioned Hilton. We had some cheep, but delicious food including burgers, Italian and Polish sausage and even a half-smoke. After getting some cheep bottles of water and bags of nuts (huh huh huh) to take into the ballpark we crossed step two off of the perfect day checklist.

The last part was mostly out of our hands. We took our seats behind the O's dugout and waited for the pregame festivities to end. At that point it was all up to the Orioles to bring our perfect day home. And bring it home they did. The game had a bit of everything in the form of pitching, defence and the three run homer, made all the more poignant with Earl Weaver in town to throw out the first pitch. When it was all said and done the O's had a 5-1 win over Detroit and they improved to 4-0 on the young season. You can't ask for much more...

I didn't ask for it, but I did get more. Among the fantastic upgrades to the now 20 year old stadium over the last few seasons, the O's put a fancy new video board in center field a few years back. On this board they have a spot reserved for the "K count" like a lot of other ballparks have to count the strike outs for the home pitchers. When Jake Arrieta got his first two strike outs the board read "K K" as both were of the swinging variety. That is when I heard the loud, dumb ass rednecks behind us start talking about how funny it would be when the next player struck out so the board would say KKK.

Only the next strike out was of the called third strike variety meaning the next K that went up was backwards. Anyone who has ever been taught how to score a game by their father knows that a caught looking is scored with a backwards K. Hell, just about anyone who has ever watched baseball knows that. But the ring leader of this group of hicks obviously didn't know this. Although listening to him talk throughout the game it was apparently the only thing in the world he didn't know. He kept telling his buddies that the reason they put the K up backwards was so it wouldn't say KKK and offend the black folks (my words not his) in the crowd.

Since the third strike happened early on in the game XL and I had to hear this fuckwit say this over and over again, interspersed between his thoughts on missing Sean Hannity to be at the game, NASCAR, beer, money and most importantly: how awesome Captain Morgan's is. In the 9th inning the subject of the K's came up again when one of the more intelligent (but less drunk/loud) hicks said that he didn't think head-hick was right about the K's. At that point I had enough and turned around and said something like this: "Dude! The backwards K is for struck out looking. You're killing me with this shit. It's un-American that you don't know that. You've fucking killing me."

Just the exclamation point on an already perfect day.
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Hope Springs Eternal

2011-04-04T00:06:00.004-04:00

I am a looooooong suffering sports fan... in America that is. If I didn't have the Geelong Cats to support down under I wouldn't have a winning card to play in my sports fan deck. My alma mater doesn't have a football team, and while the basketball team made the final four a few years back they A) got the shit kicked out of them by the eventual champs, and B) are DIII anyway so it's not like crowing about a win would have done much for me in the eyes of most sports fans. I've always rooted for the University of Maryland and they won a title with in the last decade in both men's and women's hoops, but I didn't go to school there so that feels like an empty victory.

In the realm of pro sports I have the two teams I have followed for most of my life. The Washington Redskins and the Baltimore Orioles. Both are owned owners with among the worst reputations in sports. Both have been terribly mismanaged over the last ten to fifteen years and as such have become a punching bag for the sports world. What's worse is the time in which they chose to suck. After being models of consistency and winning 3 titles each in their own heydays (the 60's, 70's and 80's for the O' and the 80's and early 90's for the Skins) they both went down the hill just in time for the dawn of on-line punditry. They are poked and prodded and laughed at time and time again.

None of this is my fault, mind you, but it still pisses me off. That said, I can't just up and change teams. I was there for the good times, like 1983 when both teams were simultaneously champs of their respective leagues, so likewise I have to be here for the bad. We do this hoping that the good times will come again through a renewal process much like spring following the winter.

But, it's been a long winter.

Not that all hope is lost. The baseball groundhog has show O's fans that one day the spring may come for us. They have stocked up with many a prized prospect, some of whom look like they might actually pan out. They have started the season 3-0 but us real fans know not to get too comfortable with that kind of pace. We know the losing streaks will come just like it did in 2005 when they started like a rocket taking off and ended like a rocket exploding. The little boy in me thinks they could be this year's version of the 2010 Giants, but the beat down fan would settle for this years version of the 2010 Detroit Tigers who went 81-81. Nothing like aiming for mediocrity, huh.

No matter what the record in September I know one thing for sure. When XL and I head down to Camden Yards tomorrow the O's will be in first place and even if they lose the game they will still have a winning record when the day is done. I'm just looking forward to sitting in the sun and watching some baseball with my best friend and dreaming that the impossible is possible.
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Back to Eighty Two Seconds

2011-04-03T09:30:00.005-04:00

The lowest time I ever posted in a game of Solitaire was 82 seconds nearly two years ago. Since then I've changed games... and hands. I've gone from a right handed solitaire player to a left handed minesweeper. The journey to 82 seconds on my left paw has been faster than my solitaire success. Likewise, I think I can actually do better than 82 seconds on minesweeper; perhaps I'll even play a sub-minute round one day if all the pieces come together correctly.

For this round I opted for an Australian playlist on iTunes. The song that was on while I played the record setting game was Ella Hooper and Troy Cassar-Daly's cover of "Islands in the Stream" which always puts a smile on my face and a tap in my foot. The background, of course, was provided by the lovely (and newly announced expectant mother) Kelly Brook. With the help of Kelly and good tunes all frivolous things are possible. Maybe I should tell the 2-0 Baltimore Orioles to hang pictures of Kelly all over the clubhouse and play INXS before Monday's home opener. XL and I will be there and we'd sure love to see a win...

Nothing Like Baseball Season!

2011-04-02T13:45:00.001-04:00

Gamechangers Ep 3: A Legend in the Booth with Hank Azaria from Hank Azaria

I know this is a year old, but when I think baseball now, I think Jim Brockmire. "Put me on some kind of Italian boat, because that ball is gone-do-la!"
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No Foolin. This Happened

2011-04-01T08:34:00.000-04:00

OK, I know it's April 1st and all, but this is absolutely, 100% true. This story is the first in a series of posts that will serve to look back at 2010 which was the year lost to my blog.

This particular story takes place in early July of '10 when XL and I were planing our fantasy football league draft. After nine years of simply dominating the league I stepped up to the official capacity of commissioner in 2010 and as such I felt we needed to have a kick ass draft, the story of which may well become the subject of one of these posts at a later date. But now back to the take away road kill you see above.

XL and I took a little trip out to the Eastern part of PA to scope out the place we planned to have our draft. After our food we drove up to my mother in law's house to drop off my computer, which needed a bit of doctoring after it shit the bed on me. As I was driving down a two lane road I saw this little squirrel run out into the middle of the road where he stopped on the double yellow lines. He looked up at us and then, as we got closer he decided to run right in the path of the car, completely ignoring the safe passage that lay behind him.

I heard a bit of a thud and as we drove further I looked in the rear view to see if the carcass was there. It wasn't. So when we arrived at our destination I slowly approached the front of the car and what you see above is what was waiting for me. After laughing uncontrollably I asked my mother in law for some items need to extricate Rocky from XL's grill. That procedure was not nearly as easy as you might think it would be. Granted, it was probably made all the more difficult because I was laughing my face off the whole time, but sufficed to say there was a whole lot more tugging then I would have liked.

Once I got him out and disposed of the body I was struck with a few nagging questions, which I will pose rhetorically below:

1) Why didn't he run the other way?

2) How in the hell did he jump high enough to be level with the grill?

3) What are the odds of him striking the car at just the right angle to enter the grill ass first and stick there?

4) Where's Eddie, he usually eats these damn things.

5) How many points do I get for this?

6) How much does taxidermy cost?

In the end all was taken care of with some gloves, a shovel and a car wash. We got hours of laughter out of it even if a few little squirrel babies had to go without acorns from then on.
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Why I Blog: One Teddy Bear's Story

2011-03-31T00:17:00.000-04:00

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit reluctant to accept Greazy's invitation to start blogging here at TGWOOfY. You see, I'm a second class citizen in this world. I can't vote, I can't own property and I sure as hell don't get heard. The effectiveness of me and my kind usually ends about the time the kid we grow up with turns 13 or 14. Then they slough us off for their teen years.

Not that I blame the little fuckers for doing it. Just consider how much we'd love to start thinking if the cute girl in class is going to dance with us at the big dance. We have none of that to look forward to. No. Instead we sit on a shelf if we're lucky until the kid goes off to college. The unlucky ones get tossed aside and are only appreciated by the parents, and even then it's only as a prism through witch to see how much the little monster has grown up.

All of that said, I have been very lucky. I've said it before but it bears repeating. I am one of the extremely lucky ones who has had a life long friendship with my kid. He grew up and always took me along with him. Then I got even more lucky that he found a wife who doesn't see the fact that he keeps me around as a sign of a lack of manliness or complex emotional problems.

So when he came to me and said he was thinking about starting his blog up again, but that he needed a little help writing it, I had just one choice. I would write for him and try to turn my quite literal unblinking eyes toward the world around us. Our world is complex and scary and sometimes it is best framed by the good, honest and adorable. And let's face it, I'm fucking cute as all shit. So I'll let you know what I think about issues both big and small.

I take it as an honor and a privilege that Greazy would be willing to give me this opportunity and there is no way I could raise my paw in protest.
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A Quick Trip to the Big Apple

2011-03-30T14:59:00.000-04:00

Inky and I made our way into the city that never sleeps yesterday to see a live taping of The Daily Show. I was on FaceBook one day when they posted that there were tickets available and I jumped on it right away. It's a good thing I did too, because about ten minutes later they were all gone.

We've both always wanted to see a taping of either Jon or Stephen Colbert's show and my career interregnum provided the best opportunity to do it, albeit on the cheep. To that end, we started the trip off with a classic NYC dirt cheep lunch. After parking in Hoboken and taking the PATH over to 9th St. in the West Village we stopped into the Grey's Papaya location at 6th and 8th for the Recession Special. For $4.45 you get two dogs anyway and a drink the perfect NYC lunch, done fast, cheep and standing up. Since we paid so little for lunch and since we had tons of time to kill before the show started we made our way down to the Lower East Side to have a little desert.

We went to The Doughnut Plant so I could satiated my long held desire for one of their peanut butter and jelly doughnuts. It is a square blackberry-filled doughnut that is covered in peanut butter glaze and sprinkled with roasted peanuts. Or more succinctly: it is fifteen bites of heaven. Once I had fully recovered from the religious experience that was the PB&J doughnut we hopped a subway ride up town to Central Park for a bit of a walk about. Sadly, while the sun was quite warm the air temp never popped above the 50 degree mark so it wasn't ideal for a more complete probe of the park. So, after stopping of at The very posh "Shops at Columbus Circle" to use their positively un-posh restrooms we headed west.

We thought we would buzz by the Daily Show studios to see if anyone was crazy enough to get in line two full hours before they said you needed to be. Sadly, more than a hundred and fifty people were just that crazy and that meant that we had to cut our wandering short and join them in the line. We met a trio of very nice city folk who had cut their work day short to see the show and the conversation passed a bit of the time. After tackling the President's Libya speech in the first two blocks of the show Jon welcomed his guest Dr. Miguel Nicolelis who is doing some amazing work. The Duke University prof is working on decoding the electrical impulses of the brain with a goal of outfitting quadriplegics with a suit that will respond to their thoughts and enable them to walk again. It makes me happy to know that there are people like Dr. Nicolelis in the world.

Following the show we headed back to Hoboken where we had dinner at one of my old man's favorite places: Arthur's Tavern. When I was just a lil greazy I used to marvel at the huge steaks they sold there, and when I got older I even downed one of their gargantuan 49 oz "Double" steaks a few times. Those days are long past me, and so Inky and I just got burgers which are always amazing there. All in all it was a great way to spent a Tuesday. I hate that I have all this free time during the week in the place of a job. I guess as long as I do I may as well have a day like this from time to time to keep me sane. _______________________________

Where Do I See Myself in Five Years? That's Simple:

2011-03-28T08:04:00.000-04:00

I have yet another job interview later today and I'm sure it will be full of all of the same questions: "What is your greatest strength?" "What is your greatest weakness" and the ever popular "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I have stock answers for each of those questions, none of which are the real answers. The real ones go some thing like this "I can talk to anyone anywhere about anything" "I would always rather enjoy my life my way rather than work" and "Geelong".

The fetching photo you see above is of Corio Bay which laps lightly at the shores of Geelong, Victoria in beautiful Australia. That is where I see myself in 5 years, and it has been since Inky and I first drove through there more than 6 years ago. I know the interview question is supposed to suss out how much drive you have in propelling yourself down your career path, but for me the career is secondary to the location. I'd happily do just about any job that would keep the bills paid, food in the cupboard and perhaps leave a few extra bucks for Cats games at Skilled Stadium every now and again.

I know that the way I feel is quite un-American, and maybe that's why my dream doesn't really involve the US. I've been sick of the very idea of the rat race for a long time, let along the practice of it. I don't want to ladder climb, social climb or listen to Miley Cyrus sing "The Climb" which are all shitty options in their own way. No, what I want is to have my little task to do every day and to do it to the very best of my ability. It's not that I'm lazy. Far from it. I love working hard at a specified task and I love excelling at it even more so. If that task makes someone else's life a little better than that's just a great cherry on top. What I don't want from a job is to have to play politics or try and make someone, be it client or coworker, do something they don't want/need to do.

I don't know if such a job exists any longer.

So perhaps I have to change the question to: "Where don't you see yourself in five years?" to which I have some more specific answers. I don't want to be living in this house, or any house for that matter. I'll be quite happy to just call the super when something goes wrong from now on thank you very much. I don't want to be living to work, which is sadly the pass time of far too many an American. I don't want to be pulling the wool over a customer's eyes in order to make the company/boss richer. I don't want to be a few months away from my 40th birthday, but there's nothing I can do about that one. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I don't want to be anywhere unless Inky is there with me.

I don't think this is too much to ask. We'll see.
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Double Figures Bitches!

2011-03-27T00:46:00.004-04:00

When I hit 100 seconds last week I was pretty sure a double digit game was right around the corner. I was sure I'd post a 95 or a cheeky 90 before too long, but I didn't really think I'd shave 16 seconds off my best time! After that 100 second game I picked out another Kelly Brook picture (if it ain't broke don't fix it am I right) and prepared for a new week of mine-sweeping. I had a few more games in the low 100's as the week went on and then boom: 84.

I was playing the new Adele record, which is f'ing fantastic by the way, and I got into a great rhythm. Despite my previous advice to not play the corners I started the game by clicking the upper right corner and that opened up a nice swath of the playing board. From there it was a blur of clicks and darting eyes and a minute and 24 seconds later I had a new fastest time. The best I ever did in solitaire was 82 seconds, and so that has become my new goal.

I think it should be easy enough to drop two more seconds, especially with Kelly's help. I will have one little challenge, however, as Inky and I are taking to the road this week to see a live taping of The Daily Show in NYC. So I'll be away from the office for a day or two, but I love a challenge.

Geelong Football: Into a New Era

2011-03-25T09:09:00.000-04:00

While the NFL players and owners squabble over a few billion dollars there are still some guys out there playing football. This morning the Geelong Cats of the Australian Football League started off their season against one of their most hated rivals the St. Kilda Saints. The game (which can be seen on ESPN3 for the next week)was vastly different for us Cats fans, and that was even before the game started.

The Cats have been the dominating team in their sport for the past 4 years, winning two titles in that time and making deep runs in the finals all 4 years. But, during this past off season they lost their coach and best player in the course of a week. They enter this season under new leadership on the field and in the coaches box and most of us fans didn't know what to expect.

I'm happy to say that the Cats won their opening game against the Saints, but sad on few different fronts. Firstly, the Cats lost one of the best players in the league to a terrible concussion. Joel Selwood is the guy who us Cats fans were hoping would step us another level from his already lofty perch that he demonstrated in his first 4 seasons to fill the void left by Gary Ablett Jr's defection. And it looked like he was doing just that early on, but then he went low to pick up a loose ball and took a hip to the head and shoulders that resulted in him being taken off the field in a neck brace and on a backboard. So that was the first thing that made me sad.

The second was the fact that the Cats winning score was 6.12 (48) to 6.11 (47) which is a pittance compared to the scoring we've come to expect from their offence. Six goals is about what the Cats would put on the board in a quarter during their run as the elite team in the league. In response to their unbeatable style of play the rest of the league in general and St. Kilda and Collingwood in particular changed their style to try and slow the Cats rampaging style.

In the end, the Cats won and any win over St. Kilda is worth a lot, so I can't complain too much. But, I really hope that we'll see some more free flowing footy in the months to come as the Cats begin to get comfortable with their new coach, Chris Scott.
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The Day The Cuteness Died

2011-03-24T09:00:00.001-04:00

As I'm sure you're all aware the bear community lost a rock star this week. Knut the polar bear died at the age of 4 in a German zoo. In the bear world there are a lot of stars, but most of them are older like Teddy Ruxpin, Smokey or that bitch Pooh. There are some younger stars like Rupert from Family guy but no one burst on to the cuteness scene like Knut. He captivated the public with his antics like... well, don't know what the fuck he did. I'm guessing he ate a lot and occasionally took a huge dump in the water, which you humans find totally engrossing as opposed to just gross.

But, as is so often the case these days, Knut couldn't handle the pressure of being famous. Add him to the list that includes Cobain, Hendrix, Joplin and Jim Morrison. You see polar bear years are about 6.75 to every one human year which at four would make Knut 27 in human years, the same age as all of those other stars who burned out too soon. They all became victims of their own success and in the end they couldn't handle it. It's sad really, but we will go on now as we've done before. I heard that there's a really cute new panda at the zoo in Atlanta.

Just sayin'...
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Adventures in Unemployment: The Job Fair

2011-03-23T16:30:00.000-04:00

Looking for work is just about the worst thing in the world. And that's when you already have a job. It's about a million times worse when staring down the barrel of the gun that is the end of your UC benefits. I often equate the process with dating, even though I have more experience interview for jobs then dating since I started dating my wife when I was 20. But when you look at a first interview being more like a first date and the worry of coming off too desperate to the other party you can see how the two are alike.

If that is the case then I partook in the job search version of speed dating today: the job fair. This particular carnival of potential employment took place at my alma mater. It was advertised as being for both alumni and current students but I found myself to be a man among bros. Most of the employers on hand had a lot of entry level jobs and internships to offer, which should have been a bad thing considering I've been out of school for 13 years. However, when your career interregnum has lasted as long as mine has you start looking for any opportunity to just get a pay check.

So, I found myself talking to employers about jobs that would pay me closer to what I made when I was 25 rather than what I would have expected to make at 35. Que sera sera, you know? It is rather daunting to be on diametrically opposed sides to the college job fair experience. Back in 1998 I went to one of these things when I was 21 and a few months away from graduation. At that time I found that I was constantly worried that they wouldn't take me when they could have a person with actual experience under their belt, even if it meant that they would make a few more bucks than I would get.

Now, I find myself applying for jobs knowing that the 21 year old bros and hoes (most of whom couldn't even bother to put on business dress for the event) will be able to take less than me and as such will be considered before me. I'm trying to keep positive through this whole thing, and I know all I need is a bit of luck or to be in the right place at the right time. In the meantime I've been practicing saying "would you like fries with that" just to be safe.

We shall see.
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Well I'll Be Damned

2011-03-22T00:52:00.001-04:00

This may come as a staggering shock to anyone who reads my blog, but I have quite robust collection of porn. I'd like to think of myself as a porn aficionado, but I'd also like to think of myself as employed while I'm at it and thinking hasn't got my anywhere in either case. At any rate, I've got heaps and heaps of porn, some of it that is now old enough to actually BE IN porn. My oldest one is from 1990, which is either impressive, sad or a combination of both.

So I was flipping through one of my older vintages, a High Society from mid '01, when I came across the "Amateur Auditions section". That's when I saw... what? No! Not literally came across. Sicko. Where was I? Oh yeah, Amateur Auditions. The first woman featured in the "send us your photos and we'll send you cash" section was 19 year old Katie (see we ll edited photo above) from Phoenix Arizona. As it turns out, she is Katie Morgan, who after going into and retiring from a porn career has moved on to hosting shows on HBO doing a radio program and large role in Kevin Smith's movie "Zach and Miri Make a Porno".

I'm not surprised that just before she embarked on a career that involved taking her clothes off on camera that she sent in naked pictures to High Society. What does surprise me is what this revelation, now ten years later, tells me about some of my guesses about this very common section of many skin mags. Like, for instance, that either the publishers or the submitter herself change the ages downward. Katie is listed at 19 years old in '01, but she was born in '80 so she was either 20 or 21 when the pictures were taken.

That confirms one thing I always thought, but I do have to admit that I was surprised that she was listed with the name Katie. I always thought that along with their ages the names, and occupations were changed too. In fact I was sure of it, and now, along comes this example to prove to me that I was mistaken.

It just goes to show you that there is much to be learned from porn.
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Chipping Away

2011-03-21T05:08:00.000-04:00

Sometimes in the quest for solitaire/minesweeper fame the strides are great. Sometimes, they are small, but no matter the size, they are all steps forward. In the end, that is all that really matters. Would I have liked to make it into double figures this week? Sure I would have, but if the last 18 months have taught me anything it's that we don't always get what we want. And that you can be both over and under qualified for various aspects of a job, but that's not germane to the topic of high speed minesweeper.

You may be asking yourself: "Greazy, how do you do it?" if you're not asking that I'll ask you to play along while I give you an answer. I have a few simple rules for my time trials. #1) A good iTunes play list is a must. There's nothing worse than being in the middle of a fast game only to be distracted by a song that you don't dig or the end of a play list. That only serves to ruin your time. Rule #2 is all about the back drop. I have chosen to go with an all Kelly Brook collection for my speed solitaire/minesweeper endeavors and they've served me well thus far.

Lastly, rule #3 is forget about the corners. Some people start with a corner but you know the people who program the game know that and so you almost never get a game with all four corners clear. The truth is that the first square you click on will never have a mine under it so I go for center mass and try to open up as big a clearing as possible.

Now you know, and as an old friend of mine named Joe used to tell me daily, that is half the battle. So download some Kelly Brook pics, pop on a good play list enjoy your mine sweeping

Top 100 Songs of '10: 10-1

2011-03-20T08:46:00.000-04:00

10) The Verses (Featuring Dan Sultan) - Running Away

9) Angus & Julia Stone - Big Jet Plane

(the actual video can not be imbedded but is very good, find it here)

8) Stars - Fixed

(offical video link)

7) The Pretty Reckless - Goin' Down

6) Adele - Rolling in the Deep

5) Bettie Serveert - Love Lee

4) Ted Leo & The Pharmacists - Bottled in Cork

3) Arcade Fire - Rococo

2) Washington - Sunday Best

1) Cee Lo Green - Fuck You

Top 100 Songs of '10: 55-11

2011-03-19T04:53:00.002-04:00

Now it's time for the next group of 45 songs on my Top 100 of 2010. Even though I wasn't blogging throughout 2010 I was still buying music when I could and since I was buying music, I felt the need to make a list. It's what I do. I've tried twelve step programs but I find that to be counterproductive since it is by very definition just a list of twelve things to do and as such seems to exacerbates my issue.

Back to the music.

Even though I had made a list and tinkered with it to come up with an order I liked late in the year it is not 100% the same as the one I'm posting now. In the intervening months I've come to appreciate some songs a bit more than I had when they came out in, lets say late November, for arguments sake. So something that might have been at #88 if I had posted in December might now be in the top 25. Likewise, something I might have been very keen on then might have fallen down, or off the list now. What can I say, list making is a fickle bitch goddess. Here's the next 45:

55) Crowded House – Amsterdam
54) Jill King – I’ll Keep Loving You
53) Angus & Julia Stone – Black Crow
52) Superchunk – Digging for Something
51) Washington – Underground

50) Meg Hutchinson – Hard to Change
49) Teenage Fanclub – Sometimes I Don’t Need to Believe in Anything
48) The Vaselines – I Hate the 80’s
47) Amy Regan – Gonna Get Better
46) The Walkmen – Blue as Your Blood
45) The Watson Twins – Modern Man
44) Ben Folds & Nick Hornby – Belinda
43) Melissa Endean – I’ll Remember You
42) Stars – Dead Hearts
41) New London Fire – Waterpark

40) The Like – Walk of Shame
39) Wild Nothing – Chinatown
38) The Watson Twins – U-N-Me
37) Washington – Rich Kids
36) The Cat Empire – Reasonably Fine
35) Islands – Ethics + Molars
34) Amy Fairchild – Ok, Alright
33) Sheryl Crow – Long Road Home
32) Laura Veirs – July Flame
31) Vampire Weekend – Holiday

30) Angie Mattson – Thank You
29) She & Him – Thieves
28) Sia – You’ve Changed
27) The New Pornographers – Crash Years
26) Lanie Lane – What Do I Do
25) Liz Phair – My My
24) The Jezabels – Easy to Love
23) Jules Larson – I Feel Alive
22) Backyard Tire Fire – Food For Thought
21) The Thermals – Now We Can See

20) Brooke Fraser – Something in the Water
19) Frightened Rabbit – Nothing Like You
18) Arcade Fire – Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)
17) Annie Clark & Record Club – Never Tear Us Apart
16) Alyson Greenfield - Chiapas
15) Jenny and Johnny – Scissor Runner
14) Colbie Caillat – Maria
13) Sara Bareilles – King of Anything
12) Best Coast – Boyfriend
11) Ben Folds & Nick Hornby – Levi Johnston’s Blues
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Top 100 Songs of '10: 100-56

2011-03-18T16:45:00.003-04:00

After posting my favorite records of 2010 a few weeks ago, I'm back for the next three days with my Top 100 songs list. Not to beet a dead horse, but to reiterate what I've said a few times over the past 18 months: I haven't been able to buy as much music as I once did. So this list doesn't feature as many acts as some of my older lists may have. In fact, just a few years ago I would have had as many as 90 to 95 acts represented on the Top 100, but my purchasing power is somewhat limited during my career interregnum, so there are fewer this year. Today I'll feature the first 45 songs on the list, and then tomorrow will be the next 45 leaving Sunday to showcase the Top 10.

100) Supwitchugirl – I Love My Ducks (Return of the Quack)
99) Jill King – We Rise Above the Shadows
98) The Rescues – Break Me Out
97) 22-20s – Latest Heartbreak
96) Crowded House – Twice if You’re Lucky
95) The Secret Sisters – My Heart Skips a Beat
94) School of Seven Bells – Windstorm
93) Ted Leo & The Pharmacists – One Polaroid A Day
92) Stars – I Died So I Could Haunt You
91) The Cat Empire – Falling

90) Superchunk – My Gap Feels Weird
89) Bettie Serveert – Semaphore 88) Frightened Rabbit – Things
87) Liz Phair – Bang! Bang!
86) Melee – The Ballad of You and I
85) The Walkmen – Angela Surf City
84) Ben + Vesper – LuvInIdleness
83) Cage the Elephant – Around My Head
82) Sick Puppies – Maybe
81) Jill Andrews – A Way Out

80) Jenny and Johnny – My Pet Snakes
79) Amy Regan – Keep You Warm
78) Belle and Sebastian – I Want the World to Stop
77) Arcade Fire – City With No Children
76) She & Him – Lingering Still
75) Sara Bareilles – Basket Case
74) The Jezabels – Disco Biscuit Love
73) The Like – Narcissus in a Red Dress
72) Beach House – Norway
71) Vedera – Satisfy

70) Kat Edmonson – Lucky
69) Katie Meula – Twisted
68) The Walkmen – All my Great Designs
67) MGMT – Flash Delirium
66) Sheryl Crow – Summer Day
65) Sia – Clap Your Hands
64) Jules Larson – My Own Drum
63) Stacy Clark – White Lies
62) Frightened Rabbit – FootShooter
61) Ted Leo & The Pharmacists – The Mighty Sparrow

60) Bettie Serveert – The Pharmacy
59) Abandon Kansas – Close Your Eyes
58) Eric Clapton – Run Back to Your Side
57) Jenny and Johnny – Just Like Zeus
56) Look Mexico – I’m Not Guilty But I’m Used to It
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I Need to Get Some Work Done

2011-03-17T00:54:00.006-04:00

First and foremost, don't be scared. Your boy Teddy is doing just fine right now. This picture is from a few months ago when I broke my arm. I've had the cast taken off and I'm fully functional (especially for you ladies out there). This post is all about cosmetic surgery and my need for a lift/tuck and re-stuff.

I'm coming up on my 34th birthday which is stupid-old for a teddy bear. And we're not talking a cushy, easy 34 years either. Tony got me for his first Easter and for those first couple of years I just sat on a shelf overlooking his crib. Then when he was a toddler he started sleeping with me (in a totally Innocent way... don't be a sicko). It went on like that for years. Each night when lil Greazy turned in he would hold me in the crook of his arm the whole night till he awoke.

What finally ended this sleeping arrangement was when he went off to the seminary. He took me along, but I spent my nights (and days for that matter) in his closet, and believe you me, I wasn't the only secret hidden in a closet at that place. After two years in the seminary he returned to a regular high school but by then he had moved on to a blanket to clutch while sleeping. So I sat dutifully on the table next to his bed ever since. High school, college, marriage and homonership have all come along and I'm still here with him.

An enduring friendship to say the least.

But all that time has ravaged the Tedster. When we were little Greazy didn't exactly treat me like a treasured friend. He cut all the hair off the top of my head thinking it would grow back. As adorable as that youthful naivete was, it meant I have been bald up there for the better part of three decades. He also sliced my tail open and removed all the stuffing there within. He was really kind of a bastard when he got a hold of some scissors.

In the end, however, most of the damage was just common wear and tear caused by a boy clutching his teddy. Luckily his mom was and expert with a needle so while my arms and legs are held on literally by a thread, at least I still have them. Which is more than I can say for my nose, which his evil brother Junior cut off and threw down into the basement. Which was twice as evil because he knew quite well that the basement scared the shit out of lil Greazy. So, my nose was never retrieved.

I think you'll agree I've led a hard life. I'm like the teddy bear version of Charlie Sheen or Mick Jagger... body wise. So, I think the time has come for me to get some work done. I've found a few places on the web that specialize in teddy bear surgery and one that's not too far from where we live. So, I'm hoping that when Tony gets his broke ass back to work he'll send me for the whole work up. Ideally, I'd like to be re-stuffed and re-sewn. Also, I'd like to get my eyes replaced because both of mine are chipped. I know there's nothing they can do to replace my missing fur, since those bastards in Big Pharma aren't working to come up with a teddy bear Rogaine. I guess all that would be left after that would be to get my tail sewn up and to get a good thorough cleaning.

A bear can dream can't he?
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Song Spotlight: "Teddy's Jam" by Guy

2011-03-16T00:03:00.001-04:00

There are two types of people in this world: those who love BLACKstreet's 1996 smash hit "No Diggity" and pathetic liars. One of the first gifts Inky bought me when we started dating was a cassette single of No Diggity when she took a trip with her sister to the Mall of America. That's when I knew were were forever. You see, my love affair with Teddy Riley didn't start with that fantastic track, but instead it began 8 years before when my cousin introduced me to the New Jack Swing stylings of Guy. Their 1988 debut record featured many a great track including "Groove Me" "Round and Round" and "Piece of my Love" but the best of the best was "Teddy's Jam" by far.

So if you love "No Diggity" as much as I do; do yourself a favor and take a little listen to this golden oldie. I dare you to listen and see if you don't find yourself saying "Jam. Oh jam. Teddy jam for me." It can't be done.
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Old Jerseys

2011-03-15T05:33:00.003-04:00

As the temperature begins to slowly go up my mind turns to one thing: Baseball. Sure I love March Madness as much as any red blooded American, but for me baseball is forever linked to my childhood. In just under three weeks XL and I are going to be going to Orioles Opening Day at Camden Yards. For me, a trip to the ball park is not complete without one of my many jerseys.

I wish I could say that I've been wearing the same one to every game since I was a in high school, or even college, but that's not the case. I bought my first O's jersey in April of 1992 (pictured above on the left) along with a "new style" O's hat that I wore for many years. The jersey was just as plain as you could get. No number, no player name, just the then-new, now-old Orioles script on the chest. I meant to get my name and my favorite number on it for years but I never got around to it.

Then, in 1998 my mom and dad got me a grey road jersey with my name and number on it as a graduation present. It's the one above on the right. I opted for the road jersey, in part, because of how easy it was to stain the home one, but also because I've always liked the look of the grey, which is one of my favorite colors. In the six years since I got my first one they had knocked the tail off the "O" and changed the piping on the sleeve but not much had changed. For the Orioles.

For me one big thing had changed. At the time I got the white jersey I was wearing a size 48, which fit me well when I first got it and then after a few years was loose thanks to some late teens weight loss. By the time I graduated from college I had to get a bigger size. I didn't get the freshman fifteen, but I did get the Sophomore through Senior 40ish. I went from my size 48 to a 52 when I got the grey jersey in 1998.

Over the intervening years that 52 got tight on me and then was down right unwearable. I got another jersey a few years later that was a 56, which was too big, but it at least allowed me to feel like I could breathe. Every time I would look at those old jerseys in my closet I would be angry at myself for not being able to fit in to them any longer.

Well, now that's not a problem any longer. I've busted my hump at the gym during my career interregnum and now I can easily fit into the grey jersey with room to spare. I've made it my goal to wear the white one to opening day with XL in three weeks, but that's a bit presumptive on my part. At the very least I'll be sporing my #5 jersey to a game for the first time in about a decade, and that's no small thing.
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Double Digits Here I Come

2011-03-14T00:07:00.001-04:00

When I started my quest for solitaire greatness it took me a while to get my time down into the double digits, but I don't think the same will be true in my new quest. I've already managed to whittle my minesweeper time down to 106 seconds so just like was true in 1989: the 90's are right around the corner.

I never like minesweeper before my career interregnum. My mom plays it a lot, or at least she used to before she had some problems with her eyes. Getting older sucks, especially when there's so much good stuff on TV, in books and on the computer. I've taken to minesweeper to the point where I hardly ever play solitaire any longer. I'll pop a playlist on iTunes and warm up with a beginner game and then go after the intermediate level till I hit a new best time. Once that's in the bag, I move on to expert and try to do the same there. I think it's a process some might call "workmanlike" but I just call it being me with a whole lot of time on my hands.

A special thanks to the muse of my wallpaper Ms. Kelly Brook for providing a splendid backdrop to my game playing endeavors.

TGWOOfY's Aussie Music Playlist

2011-03-11T00:17:00.001-05:00

A few days back I made mention of Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard's trip to Washington to meet with President Obama. On the trip she introduced him to Aussie rules football but she also gave him an iPod filled with some "quintessential Aussie" tunes. I am not Australian no matter how much I want to live there, but I am a bit of an Oz music fan. I've introduced friends and family (and blog readers by the tonka truck full) to some of my favorite acts from down under. So this recent PM to POTUS gift got me thinking of what my list would look like. Then I thought: Hey Greazy, you need a blog for Friday why not do this. So I did.

I've compiled a list of 145 songs by 53 different Australian Acts that I would want to give to any head of state. They run the gambit from the 60's to last month and from Rock to pop and anywhere in between which are listed below iTunes alphabetically:

Angus and Julia Stone: Black Crow, Yellow Brick Road

Architure in Helsinki: Debbie, Hold Music

The Audreys: Lay Me Down, Chelsea Blues

Augie March: One Crowded Hour, Victoria’s Secrets, Pennywhistle

Ben Lee: I Love Pop Music, Ripe, Gamble Everything For Love

Boom Crash Opera: Hands Up in the Air

Butterfingers: Yo Mama, I Love Work, F.I.G.J.A.M., Get Up Outta the Dirt

Butterfly Boucher: Another White Dash

The Cat Empire: Two Shoes, So Many Nights

The Church: Under the Milky Way, She’ll Come Back for You Tomorrow

Clare Bowditch: Divorcee by 23, You Looked So Good

Cold Chisel: Choir Girl, Bow River, My Baby Khe Sanh

Colin Hay: The End of Wilhemina, Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

Crowded House: Four Seasons in One Day, Weather With You, Something so Strong, She Called Up, Don’t Dream it’s Over

Diana Anaid: Dumb Opinion

The Divinyls: Pleasure & Pain, I Touch My Self

The Easybeats: Friday On My Mind

Flying Foxes: Lost in a Low Cloud

Grinspoon: Hard Act to Follow

The Herd: I Was Only 19, The King is Dead, Comrade Jesus Christ

Hoodoo Gurus: What’s My Scene, Come Anytime, I Want You Back

Hunters & Collectors: Holy Grail

Icehouse: Great Southern Land

INXS: Suicide Blonde, Listen Like Thieves, Don’t Change, Never Tear Us Apart

The Jezabels: Disco Biscuit Love, Easy To Love

Jimmy Barnes: Working Class Man

John Butler Trio: Used to Get High, Better Than, Thou Shalt Not Steal

John Farnham: You’re The Voice

Kasey Chambers: Pony, Captain, Not Pretty Enough

Kate Miller-Heidke: Delay, I Got the Way

Kev Carmody: I’ve Been Moved, From Little Things Big Things Grow

Killing Heidi: Mascara, Kettle, Undertow, To Fly, Black Sheep, Weir

Kylie Minogue: Love at First Sight, Can’t Get You out of My Head

Lenka: The Show, Knock Knock

Little Birdy: Beautiful to Me, Come On Come On, Summarize

The Living End: Roll On, Long Live the Weekend, Raise the Alarm

Men At Work: Who Can it Be Now, Overkill, Upstairs in my House, Dow Under

Midnight Oil: Beds are Burning, US Forces, Power and the Passion, Harrisburg

Missy Higgins: Going North, Ten Days, Scar, Steer, Where I Stood, Warm Whispers, Dusty Road, Sugarcane, The Wrong Girl

New Buffalo: Cheer Me Up Thank You

Paul Kelly: From St. Kilda to Kings Cross, Everythings Turning to White, Deeper Water, Anastasia Changes Her Mind, They Thought I Was Asleep, Meet Me In the Middle of the Air, Roll On Summer, Every Fucking City, You’re 39 You’re Beautiful and You’re Mine

Sarah McGregor: More to Life

Sia: Breathe Me, Broken Biscuit, Little Black Sandals, You’ve Changed

The Spazzys: Paco Doesn’t Love Me Anymore

Split Enz: Stuff and Nonsense, I See Red

The Temper Trap: Love Lost, Soldier On, Science of Fear, Sweet Disposition

The Verses: Running Away, Forever More

The Waifs: Bridal Train, Lies, The Waitress, Gillian, Since I’ve Been Around, The Haircut

Washington: Navy Blues, I Believe You Liar, Rich Kids, I Still Call Australia Home, Underground, Sunday Best

The Whitlams: 400 Miles From Darwin, Gough, Melbourne, God Drinks at the Sando

Youth Group: All This Will Pass, What is a Life, Daisy Chains, Start Today Tomorrow, Forever Young
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Single Black/White Teddy ISO Love, Lust or Whatever Comes First

2011-03-10T07:45:00.001-05:00

I am just a few short weeks away from turning 34 years old. That is decrepit for a Teddy Bear and it can be hard out there for us older bears. Sure, I count myself lucky that Tony has kept me around all this time since some teddy bears aren't that lucky. The boy grows up and tires of his constant companion and then it's off to the dump. It's all very Toy Story 3. So I know I'm lucky to even be here, but is it a crime to want more, like someone to share my life with or at the very least to rub fur with?

I've had a few flings over the years but never anything verging on serious. Recently I asked Greazy and Inky to take me to the local Build-A-Bear workshop so I could find love mail-order style. Sadly, they said that's not in the cards right now, so I'm stuck all alone. I think L.L. Cool J said it best when he said "When I'm alone in my room, and I stare at the wall, from the back of my mind I hear my conscience call. Telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove. For the first time in my life, I see I need love." Yeah. That dude was a total poet and he doesn't get enough recognition for it.

It's totally what I'm feeling right now though. So if you know a cute little teddy who's looking for a connection, let a brother know. When I was a cub I was really picky about only getting with pandas, but now I'd just settle for four legs, fur and a chick that doesn't mind a missing nose or a cut tail. I can dream can't I?
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The Footy is Coming, The Footy is Coming!

2011-03-09T08:07:00.002-05:00

Mom always said don't play ball in the White House. This photo is President Obama kicking an Australian rules football with Aussie PM Julia Gillard during her visit to Washington the other day. For all the wonderful things Australia has given us, I enjoy footy the most. I really believe that with the right exposure it could become pretty popular in the US, especially with the sect of the population who watch other world sports like soccer.

Unlike soccer, it is eminently watchable with fast paced action, lots of scoring and hard hits. It's like the best parts of basketball, hockey and football rolled into one game. Sadly, ESPN bought the US TV rights so they could get their hands on the English Premier League and then promptly burred footy on their on-line only network. So, Inky and I are forced to sit in front of our computers to see our Cats try and rebuild from losing their best player, perhaps ever, and their coach during the past off season. Just two weeks till they play their first game and I'll be there, by which I mean right here in front of the computer.
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Song Spotlight: Bettie Serveert - "Hell = Other People"

2011-03-08T08:35:00.001-05:00

While Jean-Paul Sartre may not have originally ment it the way we, or more specificly Bettie Serveert and I, take it today, could there be a better phrase to think about after you spend any amount of time with the unwashed masses? And you have to remember, I live in York Pennsylvania where the masses tend to be considerably more unwashed than I'd like. When I get particularly annoyed with jack-holes at the gym or some fuckwit in traffic the chorus of this song always tends to waft into my brain. While it might seem counterintuitive, it is more poignant to have it hit me in Carol van Dyk's sooting voice as opposed to oh I don't know, lets say Zack de la Rocha.

Now, for your enjoyment: "Hell = Other People"

You say your life is a total waste
You told me on the fire escape
Just before you bummed a cigarette
Well, you’ve always been a high live-wire
Never straight, but so inspired
It kills me when I see you so upset

You’re telling everyone
That I’m the stubborn one
But guess who broke the spell
Hell is other people
To Hell with other people

Not a word from you in days
I guess it’s just your faucet ways
Running hot and cold and back again
But it’s hard to keep an open mind
When you keep changing all the time
Suddenly receiving, not to send

It’s always live & learn
But I’m the one who’s turned
Now guess who broke the spell
Hell is other people
To Hell with other people

You’re a five on Saffir-Simpson’s scale
Sharper than a broken nail
I’m glad I’m still alive to tell the tale
Hell is other people
To Hell with other people
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Greazy's Got a New Bag

2011-03-07T00:06:00.005-05:00

In the old incarnation of TGWOOfY I blogged quite a bit about my quest for solitaire domination. I achieved all I could have ever hoped for in that realm as I posted three scores below 90 seconds, which had been my goal time all along. Then, due to some strange right elbow issues, I began using the mouse left handed toward the end of '09. I'm now basically a 100% left hand mouse operator. I have posted some double digit scores on solitaire as a southpaw but I'm on to a new game now.

I tired of solitaire so I've moved on to minesweeper as you see above. I posted this 110 second time this evening with Emmy Rossum in the background and as I listened to the first Arctic Monkeys record. I've also posted some fine scores on the beginner and expert levels as well, but this one seems to be the one most comparable to my solitaire times, so it's the one I'm going to go after the most. I'm already under 25 seconds on the beginner level so I don't even know how much better I can get on that. As for the expert, the best I've done to this point is 404 seconds and I know I can get better there, so... game on!
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Greazy's Kitchen: Dad's Bolognese

2011-03-06T12:01:00.004-05:00

One of the absolute worst things about my career interregnum is that Inky and I have had to cut back on some of the things we like most. One of those things is food; be it at home or dining out. We used to go out to eat at least twice every week and when we did eat at home we ate what ever caught our fancy at the time. Now, almost never go out and when we eat at home we scale back on the cost of everything we eat. The result is a somewhat simple diet. It was with this as a backdrop that I busted out my family cookbook and looked for something different to make that would also be kind of cheep. And so here is my dad's bolognese sauce which (depending on how many of the basics you already have in your pantry) should only set you back about $10-$15. Here's the list of what you'll need:

1 lb of pasta (preferably rigatoni),
3 tbsp butter
4 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
1 carrot, finely chopped
1 stalk celery, finely chopped
1 lb ground meat (can us pork, beef or any combination)
1/4 lb bacon, finely chopped
2/3 cup dry white wine
4 tbsp tomato paste
1 1/4 cups chicken stock
4 tbsp light cream.

Directions:

Heat the butter and oil in a deep frying pan.

Add the chopped onion, carrot, celery and bacon and fry over a low heat until the vegetables soften and they begin to change color.

Add the ground meat and fry gently until it begins to brown, crumbling with a fork.

Moisten with the wine and cook until it evaporates and then season to taste with salt and pepper.

Dilute the tomato paste with some of the chicken stock then stir the mixture into the sauce.

Cover and cook slowly, stirring from time to time.

Gradually add the rest of the stock throughout the remainder of the cooking time.

After the sauce has been cooking for 90 minutes, stir in the cream and continue cooking until the sauce has reduced.

Plate, serve and sit back and wait for the congratulations to flood in.

Fresh Ink: Finishing My Sleeve

2011-03-04T08:01:00.001-05:00

(Click on above for larger view)

I got my fist tattoo the year after my father died. It was a compass rose that I wanted to remind myself to constantly be searching for the right direction in life. It's now 8 years later and while I can't say I have found any particular direction I have gone under the needle plenty of times since then. After the compass on my left arm came a pinup on my right and then it was back to the left. First I added the scroll that reads "Vita nostra brevis est, Venit mors velociter" or "Our lives are short, death comes quickly" which is also meant to remind me to treat life as precious. After that I got the makings of my current sleeve traced including the HMAV Bounty, the rope and anchor, the sea serpent, the moon, sun and stars.

But that wasn't enough for me. Back in September I went to the Baltimore Tattoo Convention and had my fantastic tattoo artist ink me with a sextant. Then, just about 3 weeks ago I wrapped it all up with my new lovely lady Cordelia the mermaid, who you can see has quite a chest. I picked the name because it means daughter of the sea, which seemed fitting for mermaid.

I don't know what, if anything, will be next. There is one little spot behind Cordilla's back that I think would be the perfect place for the little cherub's face blowing the west wind like on an old time map, but who knows. For now, I'm just pleased with what I have so far.
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OpinionaTed: Paris 'n Pooh

2011-03-03T08:31:00.000-05:00

Well hello there. I'm Teddy and I've recently joined the procedings here at TGWOOfY. I've been with Greazy along time; so long in fact that I knew him before he was Greazy Tony. We've spent a lot of time together over the last 34 years and so we have a lot of the same opinions, but not all of them are exactly the same. And that's where my guest spot on his blog comes in. I'm going to bring my decidedly unique experiance as a stuffed-American to bear on the blog once a week. (See what I did there? Not bad huh?)

My blog will be called OpinionaTed and it will cover all matter of topics. Not all of them will be specific to the Stuffed world, or to Teddy/human relations and very few, if any, will be about the odd confluance of our worlds that is plushies and furries. I hope to make you laugh, cry, think and maybe if we're all lucky I'll entertain you too. Now, on to my first topic:

Paris Hilton is the Winnie the Pooh of the human world. Notice I didn't say "Pooh is the Paris of the stuffed world" because we have to remember who came first here. Long before Paris was famous for... what ever the fuck she's famous for, Pooh was here annoying the shit out of Teddy Bears with his simpelton bullshit. You think Paris is innane? Listen to Pooh some time with his hunny this and hunny that. What a one trick pony. He brings nothing of substance to the table but he gets to be famous because that sick little fucker Christopher Robin used him like gym sock... if you know what I mean.

It's not just the fact that he's a one track minded simpleton that bothers me. Like Paris with her little dog in the purse Pooh started a trend where everyone expected us Teddys to hang out with tiny little studdering pigs, and I was having none of that. Back in the 80's I palled around with a pretty boss raccoon and he and I had some pretty epic days while Tony was off at school, believe you me. Lets just say that there's a reason I don't have a nose any longer and I'll also add that cocaine is a hell of a drug.

I guess the point of this diatribe is that I don't want all of you good people out there thinking that we're all simple brainless tarts like Pooh. I don't assume that you are all like your most visable examples like Paris, so why do you guys do that to us? There are millions of us out there, and for the most part we are not famous like Smokey, The Berenstain's or Rupert from Family Guy. We are just regular hard working Teddys who aim to make life better for the kid we decied to spend life with. To illustrate what is special about the best of our kind I leave you with this quote from blogger Ted Menten:

"An experienced Teddy Bear brings with him a lifetime of knowledge and experience; the wisdom of silence and the stillness in moments of great turmoil. The long-suffering patience that is learned when belonging to a child who is coming of age, and coping with the bewilderment that this period of time can bring, is what he does best. The experienced bear has seen life through the heart and eyes of a child grown to adulthood and perhaps even accompanied that adult all the way to the end of the road."

So true. I'll see you next Thursday!
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