Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Two Sides

This week is a lot like the last week of August to me. Back in the days when I trod the grass of a college campus like wild animals once roamed the frontier I was always conflicted in the last week of August, or thereabouts. Of course, no matter what the seasonal calender may tell us, we all know that the last week of August is the herald of the end of summer. Once Labor Day comes everyone is back in school.

I know what you're thinking: "But Greazy, didn't you love college?" Sure I did. I loved hanging out with my friends. I loved doing shit just because I could and I loved living a life where fifteen credit hours and a bit of studying was considered full time. But truth be told, I also dreaded each new semester and the reasons behind those feelings have crept up on me over the last few days.

While most people who meet me would come away thinking that I am extremely confidant, some would say overconfident even, that couldn't be further from the truth. I didn't send out my first college application until February of my senior year of high school. Hell, I didn't even take the SAT's until a few months before. I wasn't going to go to college. I was going to go into the Navy. I didn't think I had what it took to make it through college in six years, let alone four.

I have very little self confidence, and none of my early successes could assuage that feeling in me. I made it through college, despite always thinking I was one semester or class away from not being able to make it. I got jobs after graduation despite doubts that dealt less with my ability and more with my desire, but they kept coming nonetheless. But still I have always been nagged by self doubt.

It always cropped up in late August as a new year of college beckoned, and now it is gnawing at me again as I prepare to end my career interregnum. I'm going back to work next week, and I'm being haunted by all those same feelings I had way back when. Part of me is excited to be getting back in gear, while the other part is full of questions and doubts. It's as if you could draw a line down the center of me and I could have to diametrically opposed views on what is about to happen.

I just hope the side that used to always win finds away to notch another victory this time around. I'm sorely in need of one.

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