Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Throwing My Hat in the Ring

As of about 22 minutes ago I am now 35 years old. Let me just pause for a moment to let that sink in... Alright, with that done I'll get to my point. When I was about 15 years old I came up with the idea that the only three birthdays that matter in your life are your 18th, 21st and 35th. At 18 you can buy cigarettes, lotto tickets, porn and also vote and serve in the military. At 21 you can legally during and at 35 you can be president of this ramshackle of states we call a country.

I voted in '96, '00, '04 and '08 but only because I had to pick someone else to do the job while I was ripening. Now that I have blossomed into a Constitutionally legal 35 year old it's time to throw my hat into the ring. So here goes:

I, Greazy Tony, am announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States.

Wow, it feels good to finally type that and get the process under way. I will run on a platform of CFS or "common fucking sense" coupled with a solemn vow to do what is best for real people and fuck over every large business who puts their hand out. I'll rob the rich of the money they robbed from the poor and turn around and give it back to the poor. And, perhaps most importantly, I pledge to invade Canada within the first 100 days of my presidency just because I don't like the way they've been looking at us of late.

I'm Greazy Tony, and I approved this message.

Monday, May 30, 2011

My Style Has Been Cramped

The absolute worst thing about the end of my career interregnum is that I don't get to spend my days with Inky any longer. All the rest of the shit that goes along with my new job is a distant second to that. All those other little things I miss about my life are just that: little compared to only seeing my wife a few hours a night.

All that said, my minesweeper game in particular (and internet time in general) has really suffered in my first week back among the gainfully employed. My new desk doesn't even have a computer on it, and if it did it wouldn't be hooked to the web. I don't have a smart phone, so after hopping on the web for a few moments in the morning I'm away from all the goings on till nearly midnight.

The other night I tried to play a few games of minesweeper before bed and I was so taxed by the day that the best I could manage was this 95 second game. If this is indicative of my summer let's just say I'm not happy. But, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do right?

Saturday, May 28, 2011

A Renaissance for "The Bad Kind"

Anyone with a computer, eyes or ears will know all about the new Lonely Island song "3 Way (The Golden Rule)" which premiered on SNL last week. In addition to being incredibly funny it also shines a light on an issue that doesn't get enough attention these days, namely: The Bad Kind.

Just what is the bad kind? I'm glad you asked. In the realm of the menage-a-trois there are two sides to every coin: the good kind and the bad kind. The good kind is two girls and one guy meaning that the bad kind is two guys on one girl as portrayed by Justin, Andy and Gaga. In our heavily homophobic/overly macho society it's usual to hear guys saying they would never take part in the bad kind.

Lost in this whole thing is the fact that most of the guys taking about this shit (myself included) couldn't ever hope to get in to a menage neither good nor bad kind. But it is all part of this crazy society we live in where it's totally hetero to shower with 45 other naked guys as long as you just finished playing football together but if you and another guy are both having sex with the same girl then you are somehow both gay.

I never understood it, but I'm glad to see this short video explain that "it's ok, when it's in a three way." Recently this topic also popped up on Richard Grieco's new Showtime show "Gigilos" which, by the way, is a gift to all humankind. Since there are many guys out there who want to have the bad kind with their wife and another guy, but don't want all the strings of finding someone, a lot of these couples hire a gigilo.

In a shocking lack of attention to the maxim "the customer is always right" these man-whores are careful to lay down all sorts of rules about how the guy can stay and watch but there can be no man on man touching. We get it Brace, you're totally straight (even if you do really seem to love getting colonics) but why not give the lady what she's paying for?

Let's hope that the good public service performed by Justin, Andy and Gaga will remove some of the stigma from the bad kind.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Teddy v Inky

This year Greazy invited me to play Dreamteam with he and Inky. For those who don't know, Dreamteam is to Australian Rules Football what Fantasy Football is to the NFL. I don't know a whole lot about Footy since Greazy refused to take me to Oz with them either of the times they went, but I have picked up a bit over the years that they have been watching.

But not enough I guess.

Inky's team: Fanta Pants Dance is 4-2 and in 6th place in our league. My Baltimore Bears are 1-5 in 14th. She is averaging 1932 points a game while I am at 1703 ppg. So she is obviously a better Dreamteam player than I am. But, anything can happen this weekend. Maybe I'll get lucky and beet her.

These games are no fun unless you have something other than pride riding on them, so you have to bet. I liked the bet where if she lost she'd have to get a spray tan and if I lost then I'd have to get my white fur dyed pink. Ultimately we settled on a slap bet like from the show How I Met Your Mother. If I win I get to swing a paw across Inky's face and if she wins she can panda-slap me.

Bring on the games!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

It's So Damn Hot...

I knew when I took a job that required some door to door sales it wasn't an ideal situation for a number of reasons. First, I really don't like selling, which is odd, because I've done a whole lot of it in my career. Second, even though I've lost a lot of weight in the last year, I wasn't looking forward to walking around some of the crazy ass hills in this town. Lastly, it's just about summer here in the Mid-Atlantic region which means the dreaded 90-90 days. 90 degrees with 90% humidity.

That's what I found myself in today during my second day on the job. After spending all day yesterday inside filling out paperwork, watching training videos and such today I had some field training. I walked about 12 miles of those famous York PA hills in that dreaded heat and humidity. I thought getting in shape would keep me from being done in by this type of exertion but I was mostly wrong. While I'm sure it would have been way worse back when I was north of 280 it still took it's toll on me at my current weight.

I didn't know before hand that I would be going out today so I had no water with me for the first three hours of the day. So when we went to lunch I drank two XL unsweetened Teas in about 25 minutes and avoided crappy food. Before we headed back out I got a liter of water and a small Gatorade to get me through the rest of the day. Now I'm home and I'm sure I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight. I know I'll get used to this, but it sucks to know there's worse conditions coming in June, July and August.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Lil Greazy's First Day

Um... wow. 692 days is a looooooooong time to go without punching a time clock. That was abundantly clear to me when I finished up my first day at my new job. It's going to take me a while to condition myself to nine hours in an office again. I really thought that all my time at the gym would serve me well when I finally wrapped up my career interregnum, but it hasn't.

I was sure that dropping 50 pounds and being in the best shape of my life since before I could legally buy beer would make me more resilient in the face of a long work day. I was wrong. Or, at least, I am wrong now. I'm hoping that all my hard work will pay dividends in a week or two when I get acclimated to the grind again.

One huge plus, that would probably be a huge minus to any other 35 year old is that I work noon to 9 PM. Most people my age would hate working "so late" but these are my perfect hours coming off the interregnum. For much of that time I woke up between 8 and 9 and went to bed between 1 and 2. So getting up at 7 AM for a regular 9 to 5 would have killed me.

The one huge downside about the new job is not specific to this one job, however. During the 22 months that I was out of work I got really used to spending a fuck ton of time with Inky. There may be some people who have been married for 12 years who couldn't stand to spend all day, every day together but we really had a blast. I'm really going to miss spending my days with her, even if we never had any money do do anything of note.

I guess I should get ready for bed. I've gotta be up for work in the late morning.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Bird Watchin'

To say I've had a lot of free time over the last 691 days is a massive understatement. My career interregnum has led me to places that I've both loved and loathed. It's always that way when you have a ton of time to think, but not a ton of money to do. Even with all that said, I never thought I'd find myself staring out the window at birds.

Just like an old man.

I am about to turn 35, but that's not old enough to be a bird watcher, in my mind at least. But the other day as I was making my lunch I noticed this fat little baby bird just standing on the railing of my deck. He was just sitting there looking skyward all throughout my tuna making process.

Just as I was finishing my lunch prep, I saw that my little friend was also waiting to get his grub on... or worm. His mama flew in with a worm in her beak and fed it to him. As moments in nature go it was on the low end of the awesomeness scale, but I still found it cool to witness. Long after I had packed away my meal lil Bird was still out there waiting for seconds on his. In fact he stood out there for almost two hours.

I peeked out at him from time to time, and ended up snapping this picture from the upstairs window because, well... I had the time. I'm not really the bird watching type, but it was kind of cool to see him just sitting there probably a little to young to fly and get his own eats.

Not to sound too much like a tree hugger, but it was a bit of free entertainment provided by mother nature.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

They Have Risen!

Just a few days ago I did a post about losing the pair of sunglasses I bought in Sydney back in '05. Well, today I rolled back the stone and found that they had risen! I like to think of it as sunglasses Easter.

I was taking some household junk up to the dumpster that our community provides once a year when I found them. I had been driving our second car the weekend they went missing and although Inky and I had both looked in it, we failed to look between the passenger side seat and door. I guess I had put them on the seat while driving and when I took a bitchin' left hand turn at some point they must have tumbled over the side and lodged themselves there.

Now, the are back where they belong: on my face or upside down on my hat. I'd love to say I prayed to St. Anthony to get them back like we used to do when I was a kid, but the truth is I just caught sight of them as I reached along the back seat to get an old boom box I was throwing in the dumpster. Either way it's nice to have them back.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Song Spotlight: 1996 by The Wombats

As a child of the 90's I love that we're starting to get some good 90's nostalgia these days. It's crazy for me to realize that at the start of the 90's I was 14 years old and getting ready to go into high school. Even though Murph, the Wombats lead singer, is 8 years younger than me I'm still really getting a kick out of their new track 1996. I was only a teenager for a few months of '96, but I totally understand the basis of this song. Plus, it's a kick ass song from a kick ass group. Enjoy!

I had no cares in the 1990s
I knew of no downfalls
Though war was breaking out all around me
My concerns were with prank calls

She kissed me on the cheek
She kissed me on the cheek
Right in front of the older kids
Well my self belief, my self belief
Wasn’t scarred by the modern itch

'Cause now it feels like
We kissed with one eye on our TV set
And the more I give, the less I get
Using fairground rides just to spark a smile
There's little here to miss
Bring back 1996
Bring back 1996
I want to beat those teenage kicks
Bring back 1996

We were cloning sheep in the 1990s
We were building telescopes
And sugar filled the whole of my body
As I urged it on to grow

I kissed her on the cheek
I kissed her on the cheek
Just to impress the older kids
But my self belief, my self belief
Wasn’t lost in the modern glitch

'Cause now it feels like
We kissed with one eye on our TV set
And the more I give, the less I get
Using fairground rides just to spark a smile
There's little here to miss
Bring back 1996
Bring back 1996

Stop talking, stop talking
I need a lover, not a friend tonight
I’m leaving, I’m leaving
I'm not cut out for the modern life

I’ll never beat those teenage kicks
I’ll never beat those teenage kicks
I’ll never beat those teenage kicks
Bring back 1996

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Kate Upton Seems Like a Nice Girl

I asked Teddy to take a week off so I could devote some time to Ms. Kate Upton. It's only a matter of time till she breaks on to the Top 5 List, which I'm sure will be a bigger thrill for her than all this fame she has stubled onto at the tender age of almost 19.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You're Welcome World

Do you love eating Buffalo Wings but hate getting your fingers dirty? Do you love the taste combination of spicy wings, tangy blue cheese and crisp celery but hate all the hassle of dunking the wing in the blue cheese and then eating the celery? Then do I have a product for you.

It's Greazy Tony's patented* "One Bite Buffalo Wings"! Hi, I'm Greazy Tony and my One Bite Wings will change your life. With bite sized pieces of chicken fried and tossed in Anchor Bar sauce on a fresh piece of celery and then topped with blue cheese you now have an efficient and delicious way to eat your wings. They're great for the big game, poker night with the boys or Bar Mitzvahs. Just send $19.99 to Greazy Tony's One Bite Wings, PO Box 1000 York Pennsylvania. Allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery. Sorry, No COD's.

*Not Actually Patented

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

RIP: Aussie Sunglasses 05/01/05-05/07/11

I don't know why, but I've always had a real problem when it comes to sunglasses. I would always forget to take them on trips, causing me to have to buy a pair in places like the Caribbean, Las Vegas or Australia. But as fast as I was forced to buy a new pair, I would just as quickly lose them by leaving them on the table at a restaurant or in a rental car as I did with the ones I got in Nassau and Vegas.

But all that seemed to turn around in early May of 2005. Having once again forgotten to bring a pair of sunglasses with me, I bought the pair you see in the above picture at the Harbourside Shopping Centre in Sydney's Cockle Bay Wharf. Even when I bought them I was sure I would end up losing them, probably even before the trip was over. It turns out that was the best twenty bucks I would ever spend on sunglasses.

Not only did those glasses make it through our first trip to Oz in '05 but they also made a triumphant return trip home in '08. They also went to Vegas, New York City, Virgina Beach, Boston, Chicago, Seattle, Nashville, Niagara Falls and on a bunch of trips to Maine. Not to mention that I wore them all the time on regular days that included trips to and from work, and all around the area.

In short: six years is a long ass time for me to own a pair of sunglasses. They shaded my eyes as I looked upon sights both amazing and banal, but all good things must come to an end. Sadly, my six years with my Aussie glasses was no different. Some time during my daily errands on May 7th I mislaid them, and now they are gone forever.

I guess I shouldn't be too down about this, since it did take about twelve times longer for me to lose these than usual. Plus, on the up side, losing them means that I have to replace them with a like pair. And as we all know it's lovely in Sydney this time of year.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

I should be way more excited than I am about this 81 second game. After all, 81 seconds is a really great time and was my fastest time ever just a few weeks ago. The problem is, this was the game that could have very easily been my first in the 60's. If only it wasn't for my damn mouse.

I know, I know. A good craftsman doesn't blame his tools. Blah, blah, blah. I think that's bullshit. If Norm Abrams had a shitty lathe in the New Yankee Workshop that ended up ruining every table leg, I'm pretty sure he'd be like: "Hey PBS, I need a new lathe because this one blows. So sell some more tote bags and get me a good one so I can finish this chest of drawers and go home and pick all the saw dust out of my fucking beard."

I'm only guessing that's what he would say, but you'd have to consult him to see if it's accurate.

Back to my thing. For the last few weeks I've been noticing that sometimes when I try and move the mouse to the right the mouse is moving but the cursor arrow is stuck in one place. I've tried cleaning all the crap off the little bars inside but it still keeps happening. Maybe that's what I get for still having a rollball mouse, but I'm poor. Sue me.

The end result of this mouse-function is there are times in a minesweeper game when I can't get to the square I need to mark with a flag or click on. And that kills good scores. This week I was grooving to some Priscilla Ahn while playing when I got the greatest gift a minesweeper could ask for: a quick start. I clicked on a new game to get started and half the boxes cleared leaving the perfect opportunity for a really fast game. By the time I was down to 9 mines left to go I was only at 55 seconds and I started to get excited. (I know, my life is kind of sad, but what can I do?) Then the mouse started fucking with me and I ended up having to pick it up and tap it down to get it to move right.

By the time I made it through the next 9 mines I ended up with this 81 second game, which didn't live up to the high standard set by Kate Upton's breasts in the background. I'm sorry Kate. I'm sorry. It was all the mouse's fault, you have to believe me.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Anatomy of a Perfect "Man Day"

Not only is my career interregnum winding down, it's getting ready to crash headlong into a 50 hour, 6 day work week. No doubt this 180 degree transition is going to be a shock to my system, like jumping out of a sauna into the Arctic Sea. So before I take the plunge I thought I should have a bit of fun. Inky and I talked about taking a trip somewhere, but now didn't seem like the right time to spend all the money it would take to do something fun. So Inky, being the 12 time defending Wife of the Year that she is suggested that I take a day out for myself to do all the things I love to do. So that's what I did.

So on Thursday I left the house after noon and set my course for Charm City. On a trip like this it's always important to keep your strength up, so my first priority was getting some grub. I headed to the Highlandtown neighborhood to a place called the G&A Restaurant. Long famous for their Coney style dogs, I was torn about what to get. I opted for a Coney dog appetizer followed by their signature sliders which were amazing.

The burgers were cooked perfectly, and were complemented very well by the ketchup, mustard and pickle. The fries were also excellent and arrived pipping hot, fresh from the oil. I'm sure I'll be back to Eastern Ave to try something else from their menu, but with no AC it might have to wait till October or so.

After the G&A my next stop was just a few miles away on Baltimore St where I was in search of T&A. If forced to choose between a place like the G&A and a good ole fashioned strip club, I just don't know what I would do. Luckily, I don't have to make that choice and I followed up my lunch with a little trip to Uncle Larry's, better known as Larry Flint's Hustler Club. Once inside I spent a few hours enjoying myself in the company of a few otherwise bored strippers. Being the afternoon shift it was just me for the first hour I was there and I became kind of like their pet, albeit a buck at a time.

After getting only my second ever menage-a-lapdance I thought I might be done for the day, but alas the spiked heal of fate had other ideas for me. One of the dancers accidentally kicked me in the shoulder on stage and to thank me for being cool about it she offered me an extra long dance. To turn down such a thank you from a nice young lady would have been ungallant of me. Four songs later I was faced with a dilemma which saw me phone a friend for help Regis style.

I had enough money left for another lap dance (and there was one more dancer I had my eye on) or enough for a ticket to the O's game. I texted XL to see what he would do in my situation and when he heard about the embarrassment of riches that was my afternoon of denim grinding he implored me to go to the ballpark. For one thing, the O's best young pitcher in years, Zach Britton, was pitching. Second: the weather was about as good as you get for a ball game. And third, it was Vladimir Guerrero t-shirt day. So off I went.

I opted for a cheep dinner outside of the park at a sandwich place called Jimmy Johns which is a chain new to the Baltimore area. Once I packed away my #5 Vito, chips and about five cups of Tea I went over to the ballpark not knowing what to expect from by beloved O's.

Times are tough in birdland these days with the team failing to even finish above .500 since 1997. But, I always try and remain positive, even when the last 13 years have shown me that I probably shouldn't. On this day, however, everything clicked in to place. Britton had about as good a game as I've seen a 23 year old throw in years posting 9 innings of shut out ball while walking none, striking out 5 and giving up just 3 hits.

Sadly, the Seattle's Jason Vargas was nearly as good (9/7/0/1/4) and the game went into extra innings with no score. I thought my perfect day might be ruined when Ichiro scored for the M's in the top of the 12th but there was a bit of Orioles Magic waiting in the the bottom. The good guys loaded the bases on a single and two HBP's and after one out J.J. Hardy singled in 2 runs to win it.

I drove all the way home with a big smile on my face, after what was a fantastic day. When I got home I got one more reason to smile when I tried on the free t-shirt I had picked up at the game. (picture above) It's been a real long time since I've been able to wear the shirts they give away, but now I can. The only thing missing in my day was a bit of company in the form of Inky or XL, but we'll have plenty of time to try for another perfect day later.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Not Because It's Friday...

I really hate today's date. I'm not bothered by the whole Friday the Thirteenth shit because I don't get down like that. I'm pissed because this date represents the one day of the calender year that Inky and I have been in Australia more than once. We left Melbourne on May 13th back in '05 (also a Friday by coincidence) and we arrived in Sydney on the 13th in '08. So on this day I can think back both three and six years to what was going on our two trips down under.

It's also hard because it is almost as if we are missing our date with Oz. We had every intention of going back this year, and we almost certainly would have gone in May. I'll borrow a line from the Flight of the Conchords song "Business Time" when I say that "It's when everything is just right". Even though Aussies speak about the May weather like Floridians talk about their November weather Inky and I find it divine. It's not too hot but it is far from cold. Most days in Sydney or Melbourne will be around 50. Perfect jeans and sweatshirt weather. Plus, in the Outback or the Northern cities it would only be in the 80's as opposed to well over 100 in their summer.

Besides the weather, the Aussie fall is also when the AFL is in full swing. So Inky and I can go see the Cats play, which is always a good thing. One of the major reasons we like going, however, is that April and May is one of the cheapest times to go Down Under. Off peak season is just fine with me, though, so don't tell too many people or they may start going then too and Qantas may start raising their rates.

Maybe we'll make it back to Australia next year. And if not, it'll be the year after. One thing is for sure, I'll be back some day soon. Till then, I'll do some more borrowing, this time from my Jewish friends. On this May 13th Inky and I will raise a glass and say "Next year in Melbourne!"

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Keep the Peace, or We Could Be in Pieces

While many people see this photo as a cute mishap between a loved pet and a loved stuffed animal, I see it as a crime scene. Where's the yellow crime scene tape? Where is the chalk outline of poor old Scooby? More importantly, where is the justice?

This lovable lil guy is Frank The Tank, who is owned by the lovely Lauren Phillips of Melbourne Australia. Inky and Greazy follow her on Twitter because she dates Gary Ablett Jr who used to play for their Aussie Rules team. I'm sure she, like most of you humans, value their living pets above their stuffed ones, but we have feelings too. If you prick us do we not spill stuffing? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you leave us out in the rain do we not mildew? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?

That's right motherfuckers, I read Shakespeare too.

I was lucky growing up in that Greazy's family didn't have too many pets. By the time they got a dog full time I had moved to Pennsylvania with Greazy for college so I never had to worry about being torn limb from limb like Scooby. I did have to survive a dozen or so dicey years ducking the wrath of Greazy's older brother who loved nothing more than torturing me. I got back at him by fucking his beloved stuffed dog Jennifer.

In the end I just want to remind all of you to look out for all your fluffy friends. Keep the stuffed ones away from the breathing ones and we'll all be happy.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Two Sides

This week is a lot like the last week of August to me. Back in the days when I trod the grass of a college campus like wild animals once roamed the frontier I was always conflicted in the last week of August, or thereabouts. Of course, no matter what the seasonal calender may tell us, we all know that the last week of August is the herald of the end of summer. Once Labor Day comes everyone is back in school.

I know what you're thinking: "But Greazy, didn't you love college?" Sure I did. I loved hanging out with my friends. I loved doing shit just because I could and I loved living a life where fifteen credit hours and a bit of studying was considered full time. But truth be told, I also dreaded each new semester and the reasons behind those feelings have crept up on me over the last few days.

While most people who meet me would come away thinking that I am extremely confidant, some would say overconfident even, that couldn't be further from the truth. I didn't send out my first college application until February of my senior year of high school. Hell, I didn't even take the SAT's until a few months before. I wasn't going to go to college. I was going to go into the Navy. I didn't think I had what it took to make it through college in six years, let alone four.

I have very little self confidence, and none of my early successes could assuage that feeling in me. I made it through college, despite always thinking I was one semester or class away from not being able to make it. I got jobs after graduation despite doubts that dealt less with my ability and more with my desire, but they kept coming nonetheless. But still I have always been nagged by self doubt.

It always cropped up in late August as a new year of college beckoned, and now it is gnawing at me again as I prepare to end my career interregnum. I'm going back to work next week, and I'm being haunted by all those same feelings I had way back when. Part of me is excited to be getting back in gear, while the other part is full of questions and doubts. It's as if you could draw a line down the center of me and I could have to diametrically opposed views on what is about to happen.

I just hope the side that used to always win finds away to notch another victory this time around. I'm sorely in need of one.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Swan Song?

I just didn't have it this week. I played a few games early in the week and got some absolutely awful returns. My poor performance may stem from the fact that my wait is finally over and it looks like I'm going back to work next week. That should make me excited right? Well it would if I had managed to find a job making what I once made doing what I once did, but alas that is not the case.

I'll be working six days a week for a lot less money than my resume dictates I should make and all the while I'll be doing something I out and out hate. So, even thought I'm happy that I won't have to sell bodily fluids to pay the mortgage, I'm still a bit down and out this week. And it showed in my minsweeping.

I tried to recapture the magic of listing to the Geelong pre-game show in KRock while I played late Friday night, but the best I could return was this 90 second game. If you look at the picture below, it's almost like Kate Upton is saying: "That's the best you can do? 90 seconds? Doesn't my amazing chest do anything for you?"

I'm sorry I let you down Kate, I'll try harder next week. After that, who's to say what will become of my minesweep time trials. Working between 45 and 65 hours a week will mean a lot less computer time to be sure. So, that might bring the minsweeping, let alone the blogging to a halt.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Ron Paul is Right. Wait... What?

One of the amazing things about our modern political discourse is the last of people practicing what they preach. So many conservatives talk about how they don't want government to meddle in the private lives of citizens, and yet they want government to legislate morality all over the place. No prostitution. No drugs. No marriages if they think it's icky. It is a total inconsistency between action and message and the fact that they are not called on it more often is maddening.

In to that breach step Ron Paul, who is a guy who walks it like he talks it. He also has no chance of winning the Republican nomination because he actually follows the message of conservatism to most of it's logical conclusions. That is, he doesn't opt out of what makes sense to him based on the interpretation of a thousands of years old book of questionable origin.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

You Mess With the Bull: You Get the Horns

I'm sure there will be all sorts of Peacock lovers out there that will be calling for this panda be be put down because of what he did. That's some bullshit. That peacock deserved what it got, I mean, look at it's bright plumage... it was asking for it! If you're going to wander into the panda enclosure looking like that you have to know that you might get eaten.

That's just science.


Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Not as Bad as I Wanted it to be

Sometimes you watch a movie and you are surprised that it is much better than you expected. More often than not, however, you watch a movie and it is way worse than you expected. Inky and I had an interesting experience last night when we watched "Burlesque". It wasn't wasn't either better or worse than we expected. It was really bad, but not as bad as I was hoping for.

When I put "Burlesque" in our Netflix queue I was hoping for and epically bad movie along the lines of "Showgirls" or "Center Stage". I was hoping for unintentionally funny dialog and overwrought acting. I was hoping for totally unnecessary close ups of the rock hard bodies of dancers. But I was left unfulfilled by Christina Aguilera and the cast, writers and producers of "Burlesque".

In the end all it was was an awfully bad movie, not a movie that's so bad it's great like "Evil Dead" or "Bring it On". I don't know what's worse: going into a movie hoping that it is going to be good only to be let down, or going into a movie hoping for it to be bad in a good way and then it turns out to just be bad. It's sad when a movie fails to live down to your expectations.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

We Get it, You Guys Are Totally Butch

You may recognize this as a photo taken during President Obama's Sunday night speech in which he let the world know that a Navy Seal team had killed Osama bin Laden. I'm not, in any way shape or form, questioning the President, his advisors or the military when it comes to the work they did from top to bottom on this amazing, made for the silver screen special ops killing.

A tip of the cap to all who were involved from the Pres right down to the guys who fueled up the choppers. You are all American heroes.

What I am questioning is the "Not Gay Seat" placement of the Obama's senior advisors in this photo. All the way on the right we see VP Biden and Secretary of State Clinton just kicking it watching B-Rock do his thing on the mic. To the left of Hillary is Admiral Mike Mullin, who is sitting all up on Hillary, because, you know, it's cool, she doesn't have a dick. But to his left we get the "Not Gay Seat" employed by frat boys in movie theatres to prove just how straight they are.

Leon Panetta, Tom Donilon and James Clapper don't want anyone to think that they aren't straight as the gunshot wound in bin Laden's head. "No homos here. Just straight Hawks who love pussy and killing! America, fuck yeah."

Monday, May 02, 2011

Do You Peanut Butter Take Hazelnut to be Your Lawfully Wedded Bride?

In the spirit of celebration that comes along with Osama getting capped I decided to be a bit festive at lunch today. I was thinking about having either a Nutella sandwich or a PB&J, but I decided to have the best of both worlds. And so I spread some Super Chunk one one piece of bread and some Nutella on the other.

After a brief ceremony and the exchange of vows I brought the two together in a union that no man shall put asunder. The resulting lunchtime treat is what I am calling the Nutellanutter, and it was my version of the Royal Wedding minus a younger sister trying to upstage the Princess.

I strongly urge you to go to your kitchen at this very moment and make one for yourself. It's like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on bread. By no means is this every day food, especially in light of my recent diet and weight loss. What it is, however, is one of the best things you will ever put in your mouth.

You're welcome.