Wednesday, April 20, 2011

What Ever Happened To A Plain Old Pair o' D's?

In what can only be called a complete 180 from yesterday's post, today I'm talking about porn. More specifically: Porn parodies. I hear you asking "Greazy, what is a porn parody" well I'll tell you. It's when you take a popular TV show or movie, like CBS's Big Bang Theory, and fill it with fucking. In the completely suitable for work trailer for The XXX Big Bang Theory (see it here) you see that the characters and settings all remain the same. The only difference is we get to see Sheldon toss Penny's salad... or something like that.

I wouldn't know, because I like my porn like I like my Habitat for Humanity projects: with nothing but screwing and nailing. And anal. Lots and lots of anal. I've never seen a porno with a storyline that I have ever found compelling weather it had totally original characters or ones stolen from someone else's intellectual property. The acting just isn't good enough to add anything sexual to the proceedings. And if there is going to be talking and story arcs in a porn I only want it if it is going to arouse me by letting me into the mind of the participants. Otherwise, the sex is all I need.

If I want comedy and a wank then I'll watch an episode of Big Bang Theory and then get on YouPorn or pop a DVD in. There is no reason to combine the two. Especially when you realize how unfunny these supposed wacky and zany pornos are. It all adds up to a whole lot of fast forwarding or hitting of the next track button to see the XXX action. Only, when you get to it the people banging all have awful costumes on that really distract from the stated purpose of porn: watching people do the nasty.

I know that I may be on the outside looking in on this phenomenon. God knows there are a million of these stories in the "Fan Fiction" world of written erotica. Want to know what it would be like if Kelly and Ryan from "The Office" seduced Erin? Just bop on over to and you can read all about it. If that's not your speed you can read a phone sex conversation between Lost's Jack and Kate. The list goes on and on including some really out there shit.

Anyone who knows me will say that I am no prude. If this is how people like to get off then that's great. Mazel Tov. Stroke in peace. It just seems like a whole lot of artifice to me. The erotica, at the very least, can be well done from time to time. The written word and a voluminous knowledge of the characters and storyline can allow for a fantasy within a well known fictional universe. Think of a Trekkie writing a story about Picard and Riker running the train on Counselor Troi. It's not my thing, but I get it because you, as the end user, can take the words and apply them to characters you know and conceptualize the fantasy in your own head.

The same can't be said about the movies, in this porn aficionado's humble opinion. Even if I really wanted to see Hawkeye pound Hot Lips(which I don't, I should mention in full disclosure) the actors and sets in the MASH spoof would distract me from any enjoyment what so ever. Not to mention that no movie will ever be able to compete with my sick, twisted brain. You can make the House parody all you want, but whoever you get to play Thirteen won't be an iota as hot as Olivia Wilde and so, for me at least, the moment will be lost.

That's just not how I get down.

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