Thursday, April 14, 2011

Book It!

I know most people think of me as nothing more than a rag or a sock. I get it. I'm not what you would call a conventional blogger, but I can't try to be more than I am. I'm just plain old Theodore.

My plain and unassuming appearance belies a life of experience. I turned 34 last week to very little fanfare from Greazy and Inky. Sure, they commented on my FaceBook page but that's really the least bit of acknowledgement you can pay someone on their birthday these days. But I'm getting away from the point, which is: I've seen some stuff in my life.

I think I've led a unique life. And as such, I want to write a book. Sure the blogging is fun and all, but really I'm only doing it to help Greazy out. I'll open up a bit here, but what I really want to do is spill my stuffing out on to the page. I have deep emotional scars to go along with the real life scars that mar my once beautiful visage.

I ran with a fast crowd in New York City in the 80's. I got into drugs, organized crime and stuffed animal prostitution. I carried on a three year affair with Mama Berenstain; a transgression made all the worse because Papa was my attorney and long time confidant and golfing buddy. I made a ton of money short selling the market in '87 only to lose most of it at card tables, including one night where I lost 250 grand to Teddy Ruxpin.

That was only Act 1 of my story, however. By the early 90's Greazy was off to the Seminary and I found myself on more solid footing as well. I landed a gig as consultant and executive director of the shot lived Hanna Barbera series "The Adventures of Don Coyote and Sancho Panda" which was my first experience with story telling. When that ended I spent some time riding the Amtrak from Central Jersey down to D.C. to serve as a translator for the Giant Pandas at the National Zoo. After that came college, which I undertook at the same time Greazy did, but at a different school in the same town.

During my time in D.C. I got involved in an on going card game with a group of shady and really intense guys. I forgot all about them for a few years until we moved to the Baltimore area. One day when Greazy and Inky were both at work these men came to our apartment and talked me into going to work for a government agency that I can't name. Sufficed to say, I traveled a whole lot and my ability to speak, read and write Chinese came in handy.

The last decade or so has been a time of leisure for me, and during that time I have started to gather the material that will make up my memoirs. Greazy says I'm like the Forest Gump of the teddy bear community, and I don't know if that is an insult or a complement. Either way, that movie made a fuck ton of money so I'm thinking there might be a market for all my stories. Even the one about Ralph Jr. cutting my nose off.

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