Monday, February 28, 2011

And I Am Back

In my last post, over a year ago, I said I was kind of out of shit to say. That wasn't quite true. I always have shit to say, like, all the fucking time. It's virtually impossible for me to not have an opinion on something; much to Inky's and my friend's chagrin. I was just kind of tired of blogging for various reasons, one of which was the fact that I was regularly getting beat down buy the fact that I had been out of work for 6 months at that point. I'd love to say that was my low point, but, sadly, that would be untrue. It's 14 months later and I still find myself getting door after door closed in my face at a rate that leads me to believe that I was some kind of baby eating dictator in a past life. But, once again, I'm getting on to topics that will be covered later.

The truth is, the biggest part of blogging that was dragging me down was the very idea that I was doing it with the hopes that people would be reading it. It's not as if I thought I was going to become some kind of modern day on-line H.L. Mencken or anything, but I thought that people might find my opinions interesting and my delivery mildly amusing. But, I rarely got any readership let alone feedback so in the end I succumbed to apathy coupled with abject self loathing.

I know. Deep right?

So what has changed to find me tickling the black keys of my well worn Dell keyboard? I don't really know. It could be that for the last 14 months I have felt devoid of a sounding board. From the time I was 14 years old till about the time I started my blog at the beginning of '06 I kept a journal. The first iteration was on my Brother word processor back in my freshman year at the seminary. Sadly, the discs holding all my observations and reflections at a time I aspired to the clergy were lost to some kind of malfunction. I picked up the habit of journaling again for all the wrong reasons at the start of my senior year of high school, namely: a girl.

No matter why I started again, that journal went strong through the end of high school and all the way through college and up to my 30th year. I have my hand scrawled accounts of the day I met my best friend in the world and page after page recounting the conception, gestation and birth of my relationship with Inky. That shit is priceless. Not to mention the accounts of all the signs of my misspent youth. It's all there to look back on and smile, cry or cringe about all these years later.

When I started the blog it took over as a kind of catalog of my day to day. It wasn't as personal or introspective mostly because it was public rather than hidden away in notebooks under my bed. That said, it did a better job in some ways, as it chronicled my life in more grown up ways. Gone were the days of endless speculation about what girl to date, or what jobs to pursue, thank god, because that can be really hard to read years later. In place of that blathering was a kind of snapshot of where I was, who I was and what I was in to in relation to the pop culture of the day. In many ways that is so much better.

All this is a way of saying that I'm starting blogging again, but this time I'll do so without worrying if my friends and family are reading or not. It's all for me, or rather the 40 or 50 year old me who will click on these links to remember who I was in 2011. I have some of the most trying times of my life in front of me and I'll either come out the other end as a markedly better person or in worst predicament I've ever faced. Either way, it should be illuminating to me later to see how (or if) I dealt with it. And who knows, maybe someone else might take a look too.