Saturday, July 11, 2009

Song Spotlight: Ice Cream Freeze (Let's Chill) by Hannah Montana

First and foremost, forgive me. Second and most importantly: are you fucking kidding me? The fact that this chick is rich goes against all that is good and right about this country. If the founding fathers were alive today they would use one of their buckled shoes to beat Miley/Hannah to within an inch of her lives. Just on principal alone. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Inky and I saw a commercial for a Hannah Montana CD on cable the other night, and this song was the third one mentioned on the line-up. In baseball parlance, the #3 hitter is a big deal, so I was wondering if this was a one of her bigger songs or more of a throwaway. So I turned to the internets, and found that this smoldering pile of armadillo turds is a pretty big hit for Miley/Hannah. Then I puked bile and bled from the ears for about three minutes and thirteen seconds before sitting down to do this post.

This song offends me on just about every level a person can be offended. I've got to be honest: if I was confronted with the choice to forever silence either a radical hate group OR Miley/Hannah, I'd really have to take some time before I made my choice. I know what you are going to say: but Greazy, this is meant for children, and they really love it. Yeah, well they also love Lunchables and Pokemon and both of those things are pure evil too.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I'd rather find out that my child was a burgeoning satan worshiper than a Miley/Hannah fan. At least satan worship requires a modicum of individual thought and inspires a better wardrobe. I guess it's a good thing Inky and I have decided to skip the whole procreation game huh? I know parenting is hard, and in a moment of weakness it can just be easier to turn the tube on and distract them. But for the love of god, please turn to something with a micron of thought, creativity and the ability to inspire your child. Not the fucking Ice Cream Freeze.

In the end, this song is every size, shape and shade of awful, and I felt it needed to have the light of truth shined upon it. Not that my two cents matter much when stacked against the millions of bucks this homely, untalented tart has raked in. They say genius skips a generation, well, I guess mediocre is a dominant gene, judging by this family. I wish I could go back in time to February of '92 so I could achy-break Billy Ray's ballsack in order to prevent this crap from ever happening.

I'm really quite bitter. I'm going to go cool off, but you can enjoy the lyrics to this poor excuse for a song. I had to listen to every Ramones song I own to feel clean again.

All right
Here we go
Follow me now
Come on
Hit it...

Everybody do your dance
Aint nothing better than an all night jam
Are you ready for a little something new tonight
I got a brand new step than that you are gonna like

C’mon boys
Gotta do like I do just follow my lead
Everybody let’s chill
Do the ice cream freeze
Strike your pose
Can you do the milkshake
Shake it, shake it down low
Do the snow cone slide, left to right
Put your hand in the air
We can party all night

Do the ice cream freeze
Strike your pose
Can you do the milk shake
Shake it shake it down low
Do the snow cone slide, left to right
Put your hands in the air
We can party all night

Shake it, shake it
Shake it, shake it
Shake it down low
Then do the ice cream freeze

All kind of stepping make you feel good
make you feel real good
Tripple step, butterfly, sugar foot
But, I’m comin with a new thing what you need?
That’s right
Now everybody wanna do the ice cream freeze
Woo who

Did I hear someone say party?
We’re just getting started
Wanna take it from the top
Well you know I will
Now everybody let’s chill
Lights camera, action, freeze
Everybody let’s go

(Chorus with more dance instructions followed by)

Go Crazy
Everybody let’s chill

p.s. I can't believe her half-brother is the lead singer of Metro Station!

p.p.s I do, however, think it's awesome that Inky logged onto her YouTube account on my MSN profile. Now that I've searched for this song on her profile, the site has added Miley related crap to her "you might be interested in" list along with Rove, Aussie Rules and German soap operas.

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