To the Woman That Crapped in My Car (NE Portland)
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating fist date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.
I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversations with you.
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said 'first dates are always a crap shoot, call me' was meant to be funny, not offensive.
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The fist time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better... like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call,
P.S. - If you shat on yourself on purpose to end the evening early... Touche'...
Who says chivalry is dead? Now, I'm sure you're thinking the same thing I did when I first read this, that is, after I picked myself up off the floor. You're probably thinking: there's no way this is real. And my gut tells me that it isn't either, but these days you never know. I checked Craig's List and the post is no longer up, but that doesn't mean it wasn't at one point. Of course, just being posted on the web doesn't make this story true, it could be some person with a strange sense of humor and an odd way of expressing it.
I have my doubts about it's validity because, lets face it, you'd have to be putting a lot of faith in the unknown to believe some of the facts contained in this posting. First: this guy says he "wins 95% of the time" when gambling on a fart. Let's do the math shall we. Assuming you take, oh I don't know... 400 dumps a year that would add up to losing, i.e. crapping yourself, 20 times each and every year. Staggering, and yet perhaps a reason why this guy is in the dating pool to begin with.
My second piece evidence that this is fake is the fact that he's looking for her in the first place. He says that he sent her the Pepto the next day, so he obviously knows how to reach her in some way. A-ha! Caught you on a technicality right there! But my third, and perhaps most ironclad piece of evidence is that no girl would ever fart in a car with a guy, although it could explain why she is still in the dating pool. The need to fart is cleverly set up by the previous mention of Cajun Tots, but there isn't a girl on the planet who wouldn't rush through the goodnight to get out of the car and then fart all the way up her front walk. That is, unless dating has changed a whole hell of a lot since I last did it in the 90's.
The lynch pin for me with this thing is the P.S. where Tad says "If you shat on yourself on purpose to end the evening early... Touche'...". I mean, come on, that's comedy gold. I won't even attempt to make a joke about that because you can't make a masterpiece better.
As my own post script, however, I will give you a few links to other listings I found on the Portland Craig's List page while looking for Tad. First is "Young Man Seeks Sugar Mama" which is pretty self explanatory except for the fact that the poster is 29 and he's looking for someone 20 and over. The second is titled "I Have Herpes...How 'bout You?" wherein the writer says that he is looking for someone with the Herp so he doesn't have to stress about giving it to someone he loves... like he does now with his girlfriend! Wow!
God bless the internets.