Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Dream Jobs

Some people have different definitions of certain words and phrases. Dream job, for instance means different things to different people. A few months back I was thinking about the dream job being offered by the State of Queensland office of tourism, but that was not to be. In my mind there are two types of dream jobs: attainable and not attainable. I know what you’re thinking like Kevin Garnett says, “anything is possible” but it really isn’t. For instance, the 5 jobs that I would call my “dream job” are not really attainable, either due to issues with access or apathy. They are, in no specific order:

Play-by-play announcer for the Baltimore Orioles. This job would combine two of my favorite things: The Orioles and Talking. I did quite a bit of baseball announcing in college and I always really enjoyed it.

Travel Writer. To be paid to travel is my ultimate dream, and to write about it would make it twice as cool.

Stand Up Comic: In the end, all I’ve ever wanted from life was for people to think I’m funny. I tried stand up once, and it didn’t go well. Ask Inky or XL about it.

Quality Control Technician at a blow job factory. This is a job I invented a few years ago when I was trying to make the point to Inky that a job is a job and will always kind of suck (no pun intended) no matter how good it seems. Still, I’d be willing to give it a shot.

Cooking Show Host. Yet another gig that I took a trial run at in college, and while it was fun, Food Network wasn’t knocking down my door. But, it’s their loss because put simply, I’d make Emerill, Rach, Bobby and Giada my bitches.

Those are the jobs that I would pick if a Genie offered me the chance to wish for any job. Not surprisingly, if Genie offered me any wish, jobs wouldn’t be part of the equation. Sufficed to say, I’m not the type of person who would still work if I ever won the Power Ball. As for jobs I would want to do, that may also be attainable, that’s a different story all together. Sadly, simply being attainable is not enough, there are other factors. Since money factors into any choice an everyman like me makes, I have to think about sustaining the lifestyle to which Inky and I have become accustomed. Hence naming these jobs is somewhat of an exercise in futility, but I’ll do it anyway. Here, in order from last to first, are my five “attainable dream jobs”:

#5: Indie Radio Host: I loved my time on the radio in college, but the beauty of college radio is its freedom of format. We learned pretty quickly that once you graduated radio became a grind just like any other job. You had to do an airshift where you played a bunch of crap you hated and then you had to go do appearances at the local tire-mart opening. But a handful of stations, like WXPN in Philly, WRNR in Annapolis or Indie 103 in LA, are free form and allow the Jock to play the music they are interested in. These jobs are as rare as a non media-whore Kardashian sister, but I would love a shot. If in the states, I would host a show called “Daytime at Night” from 11PM to 2AM eastern where I would play all Aussie music, since it would be the afternoon in Oz.

#4: Fulltime Blogger: Jobs as a fulltime blogger are as rare as a really beautiful person who is still completely down to earth and fun to be around. It is also just as hard to understand how these jobs exist as it is to believe in such a person. Would that I could, I would while away the days blogging my thoughts on all manner of subjects, like I do on TGWOOfY, but I’d get paid for it.

#3: Distant Scientific Outpost Monitoring Guy. I’d like to think that there is some job out there where I could just take readings off of a meter and then jot it down on a clipboard and forward the results to the NGS or NOAA or something. It would be the kind of gig that Inky and I would do in tandem, and allow her the time to write and me my precious Play Station time. All I would need is high speed internet and this would be a total go for me. While the isolation would be tough on some people, the lack of interaction with complete and total douche-nozzles would make it a dream. Possible locations for this job would be: the South Pole, The Australian Outback, A remote unpopulated island in the Pacific or the rim of some long dormant volcano.

#2: Any job in Australia: I may be foolish when I say this, but I think I would do just about any job if I could live in Oz. The thought actually living in Melbourne, Sydney or Geelong would offset the normal suckitude of working a menial job. I’d gladly do 8 hours at Foot Locker or at some poorly lit call center if I could wander through Fitzroy Gardens on my way home. And I’d put up with a whole lot of boss related bull shit if I could punch the time clock and meet Inky at Skilled to watch the Cats play. Obviously, the daily double would be doing any of the other 4 jobs on the list while in Oz, especially the next one:

#1: Strip Club DJ: Try as you may, you can’t change who you are fundamentally. I am a guy who loves strip clubs, and has since the first time I set foot in one back in the early 90’s. I have also longed to say “Alllllright fellas, put those hands together as we welcome the lovely Mercedes to the main stage” as “Girls Girls Girls” by Motley Crue blares over the speakers.

Part of this dream job, aside from the obvious, would be the ability to get more information for a book XL, Inky and I have long talked about writing: “The Gentleman’s Guide to Gentleman’s Clubs,” This soon to be classic tome would teach both the veteran and rookie strip club goer everything the need to know to have an amazing time. It seems anathema to all logic, but some people need to be taught how to maximize their enjoyment while in a room where hot women are taking their clothes off and gyrating on their laps.

Well, there it is my list of dream jobs both attainable and unattainable. If you happen to see any of these advertised on Monster or anything be sure to let me know.

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