Sunday, February 08, 2009

This is Only A Test

I don't know anyone who doesn't think that they are a good person. And why not? If even you thought you were a piece of shit than life wouldn't be worth living. I also don't know anyone who couldn't give you a list of about 30 dozen pricks if asked, so obviously there's something off with the tally. In other words, there are a whole lot of rotten assholes running around out there that think they are princes among men.

Let's face it, the world is lousy with lousy people. They are out there to ruin any situation from work to parties and from trying to watch a movie to air travel. This is a classic human conundrum, and, as with so many other highly nuanced problems the solution still escapes us. Sure, we could always round-up all the tools, douche-nozzles, pricks and Red Heathers so that we can ship them off to Gitmo and rid our lives of them... What's that? Cuba is too small to hold all of them? How about Greenland then? Antarctica? Anyone?

Fine, we may never be able to get rid of all the pricks in our midst, but it is important that we contain them, and their cancerous impact. So I have come up with the one sure fire way to tell if someone is a rotten hemorrhoid or just a good person having a bad day. Because let's face it, sometimes we all act awful when we are having a tough go of it, but that doesn't make us all bad. The test is easy, show the subject these photos, and await their reaction:

If they automatically go "awww" then they are a good person. I'd also take: "that's the cutest thing I've ever seen" or "look at that lil guy" where you say lil and not little. Any other reaction and you are dealing with a sub human ass-clown put on earth just to annoy us normal people.

I think it's tough but fair.

I'm no lover of animals, ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that's the case. I can't abide calling your pets kids, and I think spending hundreds of dollars a month on food, vet bills and "doggie sweaters" is pure lunacy, but I'm not made of stone. In fact, I think the proof of this methodology is that I don't like animals and yet can still have this reaction when I see these photos or hear about why they were taken.

These Koalas are all looking for any respite they can find from the oppressive heat and savage wildfires that have descended on South East Australia. Just looking at the pictures you can almost hear the roasting little marsupials saying "It's so damn hot. Eucalyptus was a bad choice" and so they went and found buckets, dog bowls and pools to get a drink and cool off in.



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