Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Joke From My Past

I love technology and all the things it can do for us. For instance, I spent two years at a boarding school in the early 90's. Over the last week or so, I have been reconnecting with many of the guys I went to school with via FaceBook. We all went our separate ways when the school closed it's doors in May of 1992 due to years of underwhelming results, but now, thanks to the web, we are getting back in touch.

We had a pretty unique set of circumstances when we were all together just outside of Princeton New Jersey. We weren't rich kids, and we weren't being prepped to go on to Ivy League schools. No, we were just a bunch of kids who thought we might be interested in becoming Catholic priests. That's right. I, Greazy Tony, was in the seminary. Over the years most people who know me have a had time believing this, and it may have to do with my propensity for telling jokes like this one:

A man was kneeling in a pew at his parish church when out of the blue, a priest burst out of the confessional. He shuffled over to the parishioner and said "My son, I need you to do me a huge favor, will you hear confession for me?" The man was shocked and said "Father, I can't do that, confession is a sacrement."

The priest reached under his vestments and pulled out a BlackBerry, and as he handed it to the man he said "it's all automated these days, all you have to do is type in the sin and it'll give you the penance to give. Add the prayers up and give them to the person, you'll be fine. Now, I really must go." And off the priest ran holding his butt as if he was about to crap himself.

Reluctantly the man got up and walked to the center door of the confessional. He sat there going through the menus on the handheld device for a while before he got his first taker. The man came in and knelt down saying "bless me father for I have sinned. It's been 1 year since my last confession..."

The man's confession went on for a bit with the usual taking the Lords name in vain and the like. The mock priest found on the blackberry and tallied the prayers needed to make penance. He though the confessor was all done, so he asked "is that all?" at which point the person on the other side of the curtain began to hem and haw. After a few moments he finally said "well... there's one more thing father. I... I... I had anal sex."

The impostor stifled a laugh and he began looking up anal sex. He found premarital sex, adultery and masturbation, but couldn't' find a specific listing for anal sex. Wanting to get this right he said "Hmm, give me one moment to reflect on that before assigning your penance." He then quickly popped his head out of the door looking for the real priest.

Just then an older altar boy walked by. He called out to the boy "excuse me, I need your help. What does father Martin give for anal sex?" The alter boy responded "Two Twinkies and a coke."

Have a good day.


Heidi Champa said...

I hope it's still funny when you're in hell!!

XL said...

When you were back at boarding school in the early 90's did the priest give the guy an abacus to figure out how much pennance to give? Back then a black bery was just a piece of fruit....