Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Greazy Tony Asks: What If?

The course of human civilization unfolds in a way that is all at once haphazard yet finite. It would be nice to be able to go back and sterilize Hitler's father or tell JFK to ditch the convertible in Dallas, but no matter what Dr. Sam Beckett, Sam Tyler, Marty McFly, Dan Vasser or George "the Time Traveler" Wells tell us, that's not on the table. And so, we must dwell in the realm of reality, and live with what has unfolded in our world. To that end, there is no question more useless than: What if....? It is just about as useless as the people that say "If the playoffs started today (insert team here) would be in" because we all know that if the playoffs started on that day, people would be saying "hey, what the fuck happened to the rest of the regular season?"

All that was just a long way of acknowledging that what I am about to say is, at best, useless pondering and at worst, a waist of your time. Nonetheless, I can't help but wonder: What would have happened if Flavor Flav had been on the "Surreal Life" with Adrianne Curry, while Christopher Knight appeared on the show with Brigitte Nielsen?

The 2009 we live in is our reality, and it is a reality that is lousy with lousy reality TV. (still with me?) A large strain of the current reality TV that is infecting our lives can be traced to the 2003 debut of "The Surreal Life" on The WB. That show's progeny include some of the worst trash on TV today, or, as the bible would put it in First Chronicles: "Surreal Life" begot "My Fair Brady" and "Strange Love". "Strange Love" begot "Flavor of Love". "Flavor of Love" begot "I Love New York", "Charm School" and "I Love Money". Like wise "I Love New York" begot "New York Goes to Hollywood" and "Real Chance of Love" which lead to the birth of "Rock of Love" which begot still more "I love Money" and "Charm School" and eventually a new show for that Daisy bitch from "Rock of Love"

At least I think that's how the bible would put it. Something tells me that all of these shows were more likely to have been mentioned in Revelations, however. But back to my original point. If Flavor Flav had never met Brigitte Nielson they wouldn't have "fallen in love" and would never have done their show "Strange Love." So then there would never have been a "Flavor of Love" or any of the many other mutations of that virus that are all over VH1's line up today. So basically, what I am saying is that Flavor Flav is the original Outbreak Monkey... er...wait, that sounds kind of racist. Let's just say that in a perfect world, none of them would have more money then you or I and VH1 would bring back "Pop Up Video" and "Behind the Music." Hell, Maybe they'd even show some videos every now and again.

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