Thursday, December 11, 2008

Reindeer are Bitches

Inky and I were at dinner tonight when we heard the song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and we got to talking about this old time family song. It's a happy-go-lucky tale about a once derided member of the community who rises up and gets the admiration of all his peers... right? We think there is more to the story. I see it as a tale of bullying, affirmative action and finally, sycophants run amok, but I'm getting ahead of my self.

As the song begins we learn of Rudolph's handicap, namely that of his freakish red nose. A nose, that if you ever saw it, you might even say that it was luminous. Like is the case with so many groups, the supposed strong ones chose to group up on the weaker, more unique one. They probably came up with all sorts of ridiculing names, and pushed him into his stall when Santa wasn't in the hallway. I'm sure they might even have made a fake MySpace for some hot, young reindoe and made him think she was all into him, before pulling the rug out from underneath him. Then, one overcast December 24th, the big man saw an opportunity to use Rudolph's freak gift to his own benefit, and he tapped Rudy to lead the charge that night.

Well, well, well. Didn't the worm turn then? Once he had the eye of the Bossman then all the others loved him. When Nick was within earshot they exclaimed how much they were into Rudy, and how they thought he would be the shit forever and ever. Yeah right! Like they changed their minds that fast. It all makes sense to me now. If his nose ever burned out they'd go back to rubbing his face in deer turds.

I'm beginning to question the validity of all the Christmas tales. Like, are we really supposed to believe that a few kids put a hat on a snowman and he "came to life one day" because that sounds like bullshit to me. More than likely those kids were huffing paint and started tripping balls and hallucinated the living snowman. When their folks caught them with paint stains around their nose and mouth they tryied to change the subject by laying out this tale of the snowman who came to life.

For that matter, how about "Silent Night." Has there ever been a more ridiculous story told in the history of humanity. The unmarried virgin gets knocked up and rather then fess up to Joey that she was stepping out on him, she says the Holy Spirit did it. And he fucking buys it! Man, people really will swallow anything if you set it to a catchy tune, won't they?

Happy Holidays Bitches!

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