Happy Monday-before-Christmas e'rybody! Because I'm not one of these "there's just some things you don't talk about in public" people I've already done two posts about funny situations that have occurred in the bathroom near my office. Well, I've got another one.
As with the first two, it involves me ending up embarrassed after a trip to the restroom. First, let me set the stage and expound on a few bathroom truisms. Our particular bathroom is in a building that houses both offices and classrooms, so you get a mixed bag of users. As is the case for many people, I am not a big fan of having an audience when I take a dump (why do they call it taking a dump, shouldn't they call it leaving a dump? - Beavis 1995) and as such I will wait out other users when I have some particularly thunderous work to do on the throne. Sometimes I get lucky and I end up in there when the kids are in class and none of my coworkers come in so I get a good 10 minutes of uninterrupted time to do my bid'ness.
That's what it seamed like I had last Tuesday, when I sat down to punish the toilet like it owed me money. Not only was I ripping along with abandon, but, as is sometimes the case, I was adding emphasis with the odd occasional grunt or growl. You know, just a regular old dump on a Tuesday. Then I heard it; the unmistakable sound of toilet paper being pulled off a spool, and it wasn't me. And that bathroom only has two stalls, the one I was in and.....THE HANDICAP STALL!
The fucking handicap stall, with it's wheelchair friendly dimensions, which also means that from the wrong angle you don't see any feet. I had assumed that I had the place all to myself, but what I really had was another stall staller, right next to me, who was trying to wait me out. I guess he got tired of waiting and decided to wipe and go. As he exited the stall the first thing I did was watch the feet as they went bye, happy to see nikes as opposed to wingtips. That meant that I hadn't just done a one man fart and splash show for a coworker. The next thing I did was wait to hear the door open and close and then I got the hell out of there.
It would be nice to think that as a 32 year old man I wouldn't make an ass out of myself on such a staggeringly consistent basis, but, there you have it. Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve hookers.