Tuesday, December 02, 2008

He Won't Be Smiling For Long

If Scott Stapp wanted to come back from the dead, doesn't he know he was supposed to do it after three days not after 5 years? I don't know what part of Jesus' life he was mimicking when he sucker punched 311's drummer and made a pass at Howard Stern's wife on TV, but I know for sure he has a Christ complex. And so it is that he has decided to rise from the dead and ascend to the top of the summer tour earnings list.

I think we can all agree that our country is in a state of massive turmoil right now. And it is now, more than ever, that we need to avoid the soul sucking pitfalls that can accompany the resurrection of Creed. It's bad enough that they kept on going sans-Stapp as Alter Bridge, but that offense was tempered by the fact that they didn't sell any records. Now, we face the dawn of 2009 knowing that there is a good chance that Creed, Eminem and Britney Spears will all be touring. Listen folks, just because the same groups are around now as were active in the late 90's doesn't mean the economy will all the sudden rebound.

In fact, I think there is a very real possibility that if Britney, Creed and Slim Douchie all take the stage on American soil at the same time, then that will usher in the rapture. We are entering the era of Obama, we can't allow this to happen, and so it is with great thoughtfulness and humility that I suggest the following. We must make a reality show where Britney, Eminem and Scott Stapp all will be forced to convince us why they deserve to remain relevant, let alone living. In the end: America will vote and one of them will be banished from the public consciouness or removed from the the realm of the living... it'll depend on the amount of votes.

I think it's tough, but, fair and most importantly, necessary. It's going to be a tough few years ahead of us, and there's no way we'll all survive if we allow the reintroduction of that broke-ass Mystery looking bitch on the world. Seriously, have you ever looked at him closely? All Scott Stapp needs is a fuzzy hat, a tabby cat coat and some aviator goggles and he'd be Mystery. And have you ever seen the two of them in the same place? I may be on to something here, but I don't want to be distracted from my original point: we can't let this happen. We must rise as one and say: "No! Our arms are not wide oh-pawn."

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1 comment:

XL said...

Can we add Madonna to this list as well as any remaining 80's hair bands that are still touring? I'm mean the insanity has to end sometime right??