Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The Maury Povich Show: The Home Game

I was walking through the local CVS today when something caught my eye. It was the words "cocaine" and "phencyclidine" on a box, you know: PCP... Angel dust holmes! I was pretty sure that they were still illegal, but with a cokehead in the Whitehouse you never know. So I backed up to see what this product was. It turned out to be a "FirstCheck 7 Drug" home testing kit. For the low low cost of $29.99 you can demonstrate your complete and total lack of faith in your loved ones. No more trips to New York City to take them on "Maury" so they can say "whatever. You don't own me, I do what I want." Now you can just have them play the home game version.

"Alright Billy and Katie, I need you to pee in this cup so mommy and daddy can be sure that you aren't snorting blow or smoking the Sherman Hemsley. Don't worry kids, we'll still let you have cel phones, and dress like you're a whore in a Jay-Z video, but we want to be sure you aren't on Meth or E."

I know I'm not supposed to have a say in these issues, since Inky and I have decided to forgo the rugrat game, but what does this say about the world that we've made for our kids? Or our spouses and potential dates for that matter. The result of this test is ready in 5 minutes, so it is plausible that a girl can ask a guy for a few squirts to be sure he's not chasing the dragon before she goes to Red Lobster with him. And by going to Red Lobster, of course, I mean have bareback anal sex with him.

Our whole society is devoid of trust, and a big part of that is the way the kids are raised now a days. That coupled with the instant information culture of the web, cable tv, and cel phone/text message technology have allowed kids to grow up way too fast, turning them into horrific examples of adults. How can you expect your kids to be trustworthy when it comes to the big stuff if you give them cart blanche on the little stuff. Compound that with the "I'm the cool mom" mentality and you get dickhead kids who are fuckups. Deal with it and save your $29.99. The state will do that test for you for free the first time Dakota gets picked up sucking cock in the mall bathroom for a few expired Oxycodone.

Oh yeah, and one last thing: how in the fuck does this test give you a result in 5 minutes but the toxicology tests in high profile cases always take, like, 5 weeks to come back?

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1 comment:

XL said...

So what you are saying is that it's the thousands of little things that add up to make the difference....that sounds familiar somehow.

If only they had these kinds of tests when O.J. was on trial, imagine all the DNA evidence there might have been.