Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Somebody Call Carl Spackler!

Inky and I were watching some TV on Fox last night when we saw one of our friends while fast forwarding through commercials. He is a reporter at the local affiliate and he was doing a tease for that night's news. The story: Someone took a dump in a local pool... six different times. So they dispatched the intrepid reporter to cover the story and work in as many puns as possible. A fluff news piece about turds in a pool just isn't complete with out things like: "they are trying to flush out the perpetrator" or as the ABC affiliate called the mad crapper: "poopetrator". My favorite was when my friend said that turd spotting was not one of the lifeguards usual "duties" which he somehow managed to get through with a straight face.

My friends and I, on our best days, are one step above a third grader when it comes to dick and shit jokes, so I have no idea how he made it through this assignment. I know the gag reel must be an hour long, and filled with "Caddyshack" references not to mention countless giggles and crack ups. I know that it is physically impossible for me to hear about shit in a pool without laughing, or wondering to myself if this is what it looked like when it was discovered:

Of course I'm also pragmatic, so I know that once doodie is found it your pool, it's no big deal. You just need to call the assistant greenskeeper to drain the pool, and mop the bottom. Like this:

One thing that was driven home on both the ABC and Fox stories about the incident, was that this is a topic that no one finds funny. No one? Really? Maybe they should have called me if they were looking for someone who thinks it's hilarious that someone has been dropping a deuce at the pool. I get myself worked up in a laughing fit just trying to work out the logistics of shitting in crowded pool. Dose one swim to bottom, or do it while floating on the surface? Do you pull your trunks down, or just go in your pants and let it drift out of the leg? (a move that XL and I know as: The Federico.) What happens if you've had Mexican food, or an abundance of corn or peanuts? Good questions all, good questions all.

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