Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Stop Dropping Shit!

As much as I don't seem to have the childlike joy of Christmas anymore, I really don't give two shits about New Years Eve anymore. I don't drink, and every New Year's party I've been to over the last decade has been either way too expensive, depressingly lame, or just a regular night watching New Year's rockin' eve. So, we chose to stay home and watch it in our own house this year and have some quality alone time. We watched, Dick and saw the balls drop, and then we turned the TV on and watched Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark host the show... see what I did there?

Anyhow, we also saw the pathetic excuse for local news coverage of the evening of merriment. They went from town to town to see what shitty cover-band was playing, what corporate swag was being given to revelers and what was being dropped. This is America, and we can't have an event without crappy music, chachkeys and ripping off other peoples ideas.

They have been dropping the ball in New York for 100 years now, and Dick Clark has been doing it since my parents were in high school. So god knows every piss ant little town across the country has decided to get on the ball, so to speak. Here in York they drop a white rose, which is a local icon also stolen from somewhere else, since York England is the Whiterose city, so too are we. Lancaster drops a Red rose in the same display of double thievery. Harrisburg drops a Strawberry, Hershey drops a Kiss, Dillsburg drops a pickle and Lebanon PA drops a giant bologna.

I say each town should now be required to rip New York off, and come up with something to drop. Here are a few of my ideas:

Dover PA: They should have to drop a figure that morphs from an ape to a human.

Baltimore MD: Charm city should drop a 6 foot tall crack vile in the Inner Harbor.

Washington DC: A giant neon dollar slides from the top of the Capitol Dome over to K Street.

Miami FL: A retired school teacher, who moved from New Jersey, is dropped into a coffin.

Boston MA: The whole town "drops" on Tom Brady, and why not, they do it all year anyway.

Baghdad: Slim Pickens drops from 30,000 feet, hours after all our troops leave.

Wichita NE: I huge neon man drops his finger into his daughter...

Merry New Year e'rybody!


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