Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Seeing Stars

XL and I were talking about what to get one another for Christmas this year, and we are both having a hard time coming up with something. I joked that I would make a gift in his name to the Human Fund, to which he responded that we may as well go ahead and buy each other a star. You hear the commercials all the time: "Give the person you love a gift that will last a life time... name a star after them." Could there be a worse gift in the history of the world. The people that do this should be shot, sterilized or sterilized then shot. You're not buying anything people! You point to a blurry spot of light on the screen and they send you a certificate that says the star is now: Bob's star. They should just cut out the middle man and call it Alpha-Doucheari and save us all a lot of trouble.

I got a great laugh looking at StarRegistry's website where for as little as $54 and as much as $139 you can name a star. You get a pretty parchment certificate that shows the name of the star, and a chart that shows your start circled in red. Wow! It's good that they do this, because there's no way I could do this for myself with two cents worth of printer ink, and 2 minutes worth of time. And if you do it yourself the name is just as legally binding as it would be if you forked over the dough. On StarRegistry's F.A.Q. page it has two little nuggets that I thought were great:

Q: Am I buying the star?
A: No. We do not own the star, so we cannot sell it to you. This is like adopting the star. This star is associated with that special someone. It is something you can point at to know that there is something special out there for you.

Yeah, right. Like you'll ever be able to find the star they "named" for you when you're looking at the night sky with that special someone. I also love that some people thought this was like interplanetary homesteading.

Q: Will the scientific community recognize my star name?A: No. We are a private company that provides Gift Packages. Astronomers will not recognize your name because your name is published only in our Star catalog.

The scientific community will point at you and laugh, because anyone with even a modicum of intelligence knows this is a huge ripoff. Basically, you send them your money and they send you some useless paperwork and pictures. You get screwed, and you deserve it.

I'm going to go so far as to say that anyone who either A) buys a star, or B) Enjoys having a star bought for them, should have to go on a list, so we can know if they are living among us. It's like Megan's law, ensuring that we know the danger that is in our neighborhoods. Wouldn't you like to know if a total douche nozzle was living on your block? Sure there are other tell tale signs: Calvin peeing sticker on the back window of the truck, the old man smoking profile leaning against the house, silver ball on pedestal in the garden or any use of the Confederate flag. But, sometimes the signs aren't there, and you need to know if a dickhole is in your midst. That's where the Star Registry list comes in handy!


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