Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Seeing Stars

XL and I were talking about what to get one another for Christmas this year, and we are both having a hard time coming up with something. I joked that I would make a gift in his name to the Human Fund, to which he responded that we may as well go ahead and buy each other a star. You hear the commercials all the time: "Give the person you love a gift that will last a life time... name a star after them." Could there be a worse gift in the history of the world. The people that do this should be shot, sterilized or sterilized then shot. You're not buying anything people! You point to a blurry spot of light on the screen and they send you a certificate that says the star is now: Bob's star. They should just cut out the middle man and call it Alpha-Doucheari and save us all a lot of trouble.

I got a great laugh looking at StarRegistry's website where for as little as $54 and as much as $139 you can name a star. You get a pretty parchment certificate that shows the name of the star, and a chart that shows your start circled in red. Wow! It's good that they do this, because there's no way I could do this for myself with two cents worth of printer ink, and 2 minutes worth of time. And if you do it yourself the name is just as legally binding as it would be if you forked over the dough. On StarRegistry's F.A.Q. page it has two little nuggets that I thought were great:

Q: Am I buying the star?
A: No. We do not own the star, so we cannot sell it to you. This is like adopting the star. This star is associated with that special someone. It is something you can point at to know that there is something special out there for you.

Yeah, right. Like you'll ever be able to find the star they "named" for you when you're looking at the night sky with that special someone. I also love that some people thought this was like interplanetary homesteading.

Q: Will the scientific community recognize my star name?A: No. We are a private company that provides Gift Packages. Astronomers will not recognize your name because your name is published only in our Star catalog.

The scientific community will point at you and laugh, because anyone with even a modicum of intelligence knows this is a huge ripoff. Basically, you send them your money and they send you some useless paperwork and pictures. You get screwed, and you deserve it.

I'm going to go so far as to say that anyone who either A) buys a star, or B) Enjoys having a star bought for them, should have to go on a list, so we can know if they are living among us. It's like Megan's law, ensuring that we know the danger that is in our neighborhoods. Wouldn't you like to know if a total douche nozzle was living on your block? Sure there are other tell tale signs: Calvin peeing sticker on the back window of the truck, the old man smoking profile leaning against the house, silver ball on pedestal in the garden or any use of the Confederate flag. But, sometimes the signs aren't there, and you need to know if a dickhole is in your midst. That's where the Star Registry list comes in handy!


Saturday, October 27, 2007

Poohskin Blanket

The cold weather has finally arrived, leaving Inky and I to turn the heat on in our house for the first time this year. Now is the time of year that I cast shorts aside for sweatpants, and start to sit on the couch under a blanket. For the last few years we've had these nice little blue blankets, but we've now upgraded.

This year, we have genuine pooh blankets. Let me explain: I was shopping for some things Inky needed when she was in her cast, and I came across them. They are gold, soft and everything you could want to cuddle up to on a cold day. First I though they were cotton, polyester or some kind of blend. But, now I know the truth: they are 100% Winnie The Pooh.

He's just so damn cuddly, we all loved Winnie the Pooh. But there comes a time when it's no longer acceptable to sleep with a stuffed animal. (Inky and I rebuff the strictures of normal society) So some smart person started herding Poohs and skinning them, kind of like shearing sheep. The blankets are cut into three foot by 4 foot squares, and the head, arms and legs are removed to make it look less like a rug. The just keep feeding those silly bears all the hunny they can eat so they can make the blankets bigger. And boy does it pay off.

I love laying under my poohskin blanket, and I don't feel the slightest bit bad about it. It's not like I'm wearing Eeyore skin boots, or eating Tigger penis as an aphrodisiac. I'm just wrapping myself up in the warmth of a Winnie the Pooh pelt, and it's fantastic!


Friday, October 26, 2007

Record Review: Ben Lee "Ripe"

It still drives me crazy that Ben Lee is two years younger than me. When I was in my Senior year of high school I was a normal 17 year old guy, Ben was 15 and part of a band that, in certain circles, was huge. He hung out with the Beastie Boys and had Liz Phair as a guardian. Talk about a wet dream! But, now Ben is all growed up and a solo act. He's a fantastic singer and song writer and seams to be evolving every day.

Lee's new record "Ripe" is definitely a bit of a departure from his last smash hit "Awake is the New Sleep" which was all the rage a few years back. Ripe features a few songs that will tug at heart strings and a few that will make you laugh, most notably "What Would Jay-Z Do." Tracks like "Sex Without Love" and "Love me Like the World is Ending" are the types of songs you could easily see an 18 year old girl pick as their MySpace song based on title alone. But, there's substance there too.

In 'Like the World Is Ending', Lee crafts beautiful images and delivers a complete sentiment. He sings "I can't see so clearly when your smoke gets in my eyes. Please me with your promises and hurt me with your lies" as if covering all the phases of infatuation all at once. He shows an understanding of perspective with the line "I know the sky is what makes the ocean blue" a fantastic multi sided statement.

On the track "Numb" Lee takes the piss out of his own profession when he sings ” “I’m writing pop songs, done it for so long. Sometimes I dream about a chorus that’s so cleaver and dumb." He bemoans the state of the music industry when he continues "And now they’re telling me, the music industry, you can stay if you behave. Be a good boy and go to sleep.” He has a few big names from the industry on the record with him, however, as he Teams up with Mandy Moore on "Birds and Bees" and Benji Madden on "Sex Without Love."

Other stand out tracks are "Is this How Love Is Supposed to Feel" (one of 4 songs with love in the title) "Ripe" and "American Television." I don't know how big of an impact "Ripe" will have in America, but it is easily one of my favorite records of the year so far.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I'll Never Get That 38 Minutes Back.

The way I know a movie is really bad is if I want to get up and leave in the middle of it. With the advent of TIVO, the way I know a TV show is bad is if I hit the "catch up" button to just get to the end of a recorded show. I did that twice last night.

The World Series of poker is over, and LA Ink isn't on till 10, so we don't watch anything on Tuesday nights. So last night I set TIVO to record "Cavemen" and "Carpoolers" figuring they would be awful, but maybe they would surprise. They were both just horrendous examples of unimaginative writing and worn out ideas. I thought the writers had already gone on strike. The only time I laughed in the time we gave to each show was when the one Caveman beet the shit out of the chick in the Caveman mascot outfit. That's it, that's the list.

Run, don't walk, away from these shows. Hell, it's hard to even call Carpoolers a show, since it appears to just be a bunch of tired old scenes from other shows that happen to be set in a car, parking lot, office or home thrown together. When it was all said and done I had to hit TIVO with a rolled up newspaper for even letting me watch that crap.


Monday, October 22, 2007

Dumbledore Smokes Pole

Look at this dude, is there any doubt that he's gay? He could be the old man from "Family Guy" who is in love with Chris. I'm sure that the fact that J.K Rowling has told the world that Dumbledore is gay will once again stir up a group of people to say that the books shouldn't be read by kids. It was bad enough that the bible thumpers thought that Harry Potter was anti christian because he's a wizard, then he nuded up in Equus and all hell broke loose.

It's just a shame that J.K. didn't include Dumbledore's lifestyle as a subplot in one of the books. It might have been an opportunity for her to get the idea that being gay is ok across to a few close minded kids. Plus, it would have made for a great scene when Harry finds out that ole Dumbledore was using a spell to watch him in the shower!


Friday, October 19, 2007

South Sydney Story.

If all goes to plan, Inky and I will be heading back to Australia in around 28 weeks. On this trip we'll be hitting Tasmania, Uluru, Melbourne and Sydney. While we're there we hope (let me rephrase: I hope) to see a few games. I want to see a Footy match at the MCG in Melbourne and I would love to see one at Skilled Stadium in Geelong, but we'll have to see what's on the schedule when it comes out.

I hadn't given much thought to seeing a Rugby match in Sydney until we started watching "South Sydney Story" on Versus. It is a mini-series about Actor Russell Crow purchasing the South Sydney Football Club and trying to turn it around. Crow grew up a Souths fan, and once he became rich, the club would often come to him for money when they were in trouble, so he decided that he wanted a shot to buy the club. Pro sports in Australia are a passion, but they are done a bit different then here in the US. Most teams are "clubs" who are owned by their membership, and have appointed leaders to do the day to day operation. Few are privately owned so Crow's purchase was a bit out of the ordinary.

The Series follows Crow and his business partner Peter Holmes a Court as they try to turn around a once proud team, that has fallen on hard times. It would be like Tom Hanks and Bill Gates buying the Cincinnati Reds and changing everything. In the end, it's good TV, so tune it to Versus on Thursdays at 10:30, or get caught up this weekend when they air a Marathon.


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Song Spotlight: The Eulogy Song

There is a great show on in Australia called "Chaser's War on Everything." It is a cross between "Jackass" "Chappelle Show" and "The Daily Show" or in short: Genius. They are the ones who sent a guy to hit on the in bread fucks from the Westboro Baptist Church, and also set up a fake Canadian motorcade and took it in to the restricted area of the APEC conference. Yesterday, one of the Chasers, Andrew Hansen, sang a song called The Eulogy Song which pointed out that no matter how bad a person was when they were alive, they are remembered fondly after they die. In the US, one such person may be Richard Nixon, but in Australia they have a whole other group. I'll give you a cheat sheet after the lyrics. It has received mixed reviews down under, but I don't think you need to know all the people in it to think it is damn funny. If you don't feel like reading it, watch it.

I’d like to dedicate this song to you: Gramps.

He was very hard of hearing
He was dull and domineering
Misogynist, cantankerous and vain.
He hit the bottle every night
He hit my grandma out of spite
And those stories about his bunions were a pain.
But all that’s now forgotten Once he took his final breath,
Yes, Even pricks turn into top blokes after death.

You don’t believe me?
Allow me to furnish you with a few examples.
Steve Irwin lived in Khaki, a cartoon kamikaze
Who taunted crocs and tots both frequently.
And Brocky was some rev-head
Who pumped the air with pure lead
So anti-green he drove into a tree.
But all that was forgotten once they took their final breaths
Yes, even tools turn into top blokes after death.

John Lennon chose the hippie life
He chose some nut-bag for a wife
And his songs were never quite as good as Paul’s.
Jeff Buckley fooled all lovers
Just one album, mostly covers
With more wailing then Japan does off our shores.
But all that was forgotten once he took his final breath,
yes even wankers turn into top blokes after death.

Princess Di was just as slut for sex
When they looked in the car wreck
Her dress was wet with Arab semen stains.
Stan Zemanek was a racist jock
A fatso xenophobic cock
Who’s views were more malignant than his brain.
But all that was forgotten when he took his final breath
Yes, even assholes turn into top blokes after death.

It’s not how they lived that counts
But how we rewrite the book.
When it comes to truth it’s bet to use restraint.
It pays to throw away the facts
And have rose colored look
When he dies even Martin Bryant will look a saint.

Don Bradman was a total fuss
A grumpy, greedy tired ass
Who couldn’t even score one run last time he played
Kerry Packer was a brothel chief
A tax cheat and a kidney thief
And procreating Jamie was the worst mistake he made
But all that was forgotten once he took is final breath
Yes even cunts turn into top blokes after death.

Belinda Emmett was a…
(Hey, please, please. Stop - said by the other Chasers)
Remember all will be forgotten when we take our final breath
Yes even pervert mother fuckers,
Even rampant child abusers
Even local Baghdad looters
Even baby bunny rooters
Even reckless drunken drivers
Even rodent sperm imbibers
Even violent poofter bashers
Even public penis flashers
Even rotten corps molesters
Even human piss ingesters
Even tiny kitten kickers
Even anal finger lickers
Even Anna bloody Coren
Yes, even she will be a top bloke after death!

Steve Irwin, Lennon, Buckley and Princess Di you all know here's some help with the others. Key:

Brocky = Peter Brock who is like the Aussie Dale Earnhardt
Stan Zemaneck = Rush Limbaugh
Martin Bryant = Rampage Shooter killed 35 people and injured 37 others.
Don Bradman = Best Cricket player of all time, Babe Ruth.
Kerry Packer = Richest man in Australia, James got all his money when he died.
Belinda Emmett = Well loved actress who died young of breast cancer.
Anna Coren = News anchor, a kind of Katie Couric type.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

He's Got My Vote

The race for President of the United States has become a joke... so why not elect a comedian? You can't believe a word any of the people running says, and I doubt one of them would ever undertake the office with the nation's best interests first and foremost in their minds. So why not a camera whore who is always putting on an act. Stepehn Cobert is not who he goes on the air as every night, but it is his over the top, parody that is running for President. If Tony Snow can work at the White House after working for Fox News, why cant Colbert run the place?

Would we be any worse off then we are now? No! We've had a blithering idiot who cant for a proper sentence for the last 7 years, so why not bring in a guy who knows how to give a speech. So people of South Carolina, get out and vote! Vote twice, and remember that no matter how much you wish it wasn't true all of your votes count fully, not three fifths.


Monday, October 15, 2007

Where I Want to Be

I don't know what you did at work today, but I went through "Active Shooter" education. Such is the state of the world today, that on college campuses across the country the Faculty and Staff are learning what the school will do if, and when, a disgruntled little fuck walks on to campus and starts shooting. For our parents it was 'duck and cover' if the Red's started WWIII, for us it's lock the door and don't open it if someone outside pleads for help, because it may be a ruse by the shooter. Duck and cover vs "the good of the many must outweigh the good of the few."



I want to go to this island; just me and Inky. Fuck the rest of you people. This world has gone to hell folks, and I just about sick of it. If we aren't going to get rid of all the guns, start locking up people who hurt other people and stop coddling the rich, I want no part of the rest of mankind. Politics makes me sick, what passes for fame makes me sick, the Redskins make me sick and most importantly blatant ignorance that passes for patriotism makes me sad and sick.

So, I'm going to start making a raft and Inky and I are going to take a bunch of books, an axe, suntan oil and lot and lots of lube and head to a deserted Island where we can be free of all the bat-shit crazy people out there.


Saturday, October 13, 2007

It Just Doesn't Happen!

Inky and I were watching a TV show on Showtime the other day when it happened again. An actress who doesn't want to do nudity did a sex scene. This act of ridiculousness has been going on for years in movies, but was absent from TV till the advent of shows on HBO and Showtime. Of course actress in broadcast Dramas and Soap Operas have been pulling the "bra on sex" maneuver for years, as if it is perfectly normal for a man to let that happen.

I'm not a total pig, by the way. I do understand that there are, from time to time, reasons why a woman may want to leave her bra on during sex. But, they don't really translate well to an on scene sex act. It always goes the same way: He slams her against the wall, maybe slips her panties off while leaving her skirt on. Then she tears his shirt off and undoes his pants while they kiss. She pulls her shirt over her head just as he picks her up (skirt still on) and carries he to the bed. There's a dissolve to a shot of her riding him cowgirl, with her bra still on.

Bull Shit!

I could see if it was some kind of lingerie, but it's always just a plain bra. That just doesn't happen, and Hollywood needs to get it's head out of it's ass. These actresses need to stop doing sex scenes if they aren't going to do them right. And just to prove that I'm not a sexist, I also believe that men should have to do a bare ass scene, at least, in any scene where a woman shows her breasts.

I'm Greazy Tony and I approved this message.


Friday, October 12, 2007

More Ink

I got stabbed in the arm a few million more times today. So far it's working out well for me. I had yet another sitting on my left arm sleeve, and the end is in sight. Angel worked through the whole sea serpent, and did some more sky and water in the background too. She says we only have 6 hours or so left to tackle, so I may have it done as soon as the end of the year. At this point I just hope it's done and fully healed by the time Inky and I head back down under.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Merchandise or Music?

How many times have you found yourself singing along to the song used in a TV commercial? I know it's happened to me quite a bit over the year, and certain company's are better at picking the songs in their ads then others. Sometimes they do a better job of selling the song than the product. On of the ones I still remember to this day was from either '97 or '98 when Luscious Jackson did "Let it Snow!" in an ad for the Gap.

Now it's more than just commercials, the shows themselves have joined the fray. The WB started featuring acts from the Warner stable of musical artists in their TV show years ago, but now all the networks are on board. A group is just as likely to make it big by having their song playing during a critical point of Grey's Anatomy then they are by gigging and radio play.

One such artist is Ingrid Michaelson who has become much better known these days as 'the chick who does the song from the Old Navy commercials.' Her songs were also featured in Grey's and One Tree Hill, and she may end up becoming a success because of it. Not that Ingrid isn't talented, because she is a fantastic singer-songwriter, but there are a whole lot of them out there.

Sara Bareilles (pictured at the begining of this post) is another singer-songwriter with a beautiful voice who needed a bit of help to reach a larger audience. So to are Colbie Caillat, Tristan Prettyman (pictured bellow) and my favorite Missy Higgins.

The are all pretty girls, who sing with pretty voices about a range of things. Their songs are sometimes sweet and sometimes about tragic and gut wrenching circumstances. This particular grouping are all very honest musicians who sadly don't have the one thing needed to rocket to the top of the charts without some kind of nontraditional marketing. None of them are particularly bombshellish. Don't get me wrong, they are all beautiful but in a nice girl next door kind of way. A bring home to your mom kind of way, not a whisper in your ear that she's not wearing panties kind of way. And that, my friends is what sells without effort these days.

If you don't have the right look to cash in on sex appeal, you have to go to the people with your sound (the thing that it really should be all about anyway, but we all know isn't). A great example is The Icicles who's song "La-ti-da" has probably been stuck in your head at some point in the last few weeks. It is a happy and catchy little song that is the quintessential 'get stuck in your head song' which is probably why Target picked it to be their fall marketing song. No one will ever mistake The Icicles for The Pussycat Dolls (either in looks or talent) but they made a great little song.

So don't call it selling out when a favorite indie artist of yours shows up in a nighttime drama or a commercial for a big box store. I've loved Sara Bareilles for years now, and I am truly happy when I hear her song being used in "Brothers and Sisters" because that means more people are getting to hear her brilliance. Leave the calls of sell out for the early 80's punkers who are stock brokers now.


Tuesday, October 09, 2007

I'm Sure They'll Be Canceled, but...

Last year it was Studio 60 and they year before it was Threshold and I'm sure this year it will be Journeyman. Every year I get hooked on a few TV shows that end up getting canceled, which is why I normally cast a wide net when considering new shows to watch this time of year. Journeyman first caught my eye because I loved it's star Kevin McKidd in Rome. Then I heard that it had a Scifi bent to it and I was more interested.

I love the way the show is set up, and although it gets a lot of Quantum Leap comparisons it isn't the same. Sure there's some benevolent force that sends Dan back in time 'to set right what once went wrong, but this has a whole different subplot. Dan's guide isn't some old guy in future clothes with a remote control that is supposed to be a computer. Dan is met in the past by his former fiance who he thought was dead, but is apparently also on a trip through time. So he is confronted with the women he used to love, and has to balance that with the way he feels about the woman he now loves, who just happens to be the only person who knows what happens to him. (I like that they did this, because it gets rid of the 'where were you' storyline when it comes to the wife, but also adds the stress of how she deals with it.)

The acting has been really fantastic, and the writing has been amazing. Just what you'd expect from a smart scifi drama these days. All that said, I don't think it'll make it past Thanksgiving. I don't know why people can go ape shit for Lost and Heros but let a great show like this slip by unnoticed. The same is true for what ever comes on after How I Met Your Mother. Last year it was The Class and this year it's Big Bang Theory and I'm sure they will both suffer the same fate. I don't know why more viewers don't stay tuned in for Big Bang once they are done with Your Mother. They may have different types of comedy, but they are both undeniably funny. Oh well, at least I still have The Office and Dexter. The other shows I like are all candidates to be chopped too: Californication, Dirty Sexy Money and Numb3rs.


Saturday, October 06, 2007

Where do all the famous people come from?

I went to two different High Schools, one was in Princeton NJ and the other was in the town I grew up in, Metuchen. Metuchen is less then 30 miles from New York City, and all the opportunity that comes with it. But, some how none of the people I went to school with became famous. We've had a few famous people come from MHS: David Kotkin (Copperfield), Jim Fielding (track star) and Epstein from "Welcome Back, Kotter." That's it, that's the list.

Mama Greazy also went to a school just outside a major US city, and somehow she wound up with a star-studded list of classmates. My mom shared the halls of Montgomery Blair High School with: Ben Stein, Carl Bernstein, Goldie Hawn, Connie Chung, Sly Stallone, and Sonny Jackson. By all rights I should be able to sell my mother's copy of the yearbook on ebay. She has great storeys about all of the kids who went on to be famous. We all have parts of ourselves that never change, but there are also things we wish we could have left in high school, that are kept alive in the memories of those who were around us.

I don't know where all the future-famous people in my class went wrong, but I know that I didn't do my part and become famous. I guess it's no real failing on any of our parts though. When I was in High School there were 250 million people in the country, and the odds of becoming famous were stacked against us. Back when my mom was in high school there were only a few thousand people in the country and we were still fighting with the Indians, so more people per school were bound to become famous.


Thursday, October 04, 2007

Show Review: Missy Higgins @ Tin Angel

Imagine your an American on vacation in South America and you hear that this band called Green Day is playing in a small pub to a crowd of about 200 people. That would be pretty fucking sweet, no? Well that's the type of thing Inky and I were witness to last night on 2nd Street in Philadelphia. We saw Missy Higgins play to a small, intimate room for a paltry 15 bucks. She is used to playing to crowds of thousands in big outdoor ampitheaters with tickets fetching $80 or $90. Her ardent fans are used to that too, and so last night was that much more enjoyable for some of the Aussies in the crowd.

Inky and I shared a table with an Aussie couple who said they saw Missy last year in their home town of Adeliade and were really far from the stage. Last night the four of us were no more than 20 feet from her, and we all got quite a treat. Missy is an amazing performer, weather she is in an acoustic setting like last night's show, or with a full band like when we saw her last year. She has an amazingly vibrant energy that comes across as 100% genuine and makes her shows more of an experience. She sings with feeling and heart, even though she sings these songs every night. Many other artists have a propensity to phone it in with the big hits. Not Missy, she seems at her best playing Scar, Steer, The Special Two and Ten Days, all of which she did last night.

She also has a wonderfully authentic personality, that defies being characterized as "music industry type." As Inky and I were having our dinner downstairs at Serrano, Missy just strolled in with a Whole Foods bag over her shoulder. Some people approached her to talk to her and she was very nice to them, never seeming fake. Inky and I didn't bother her, because we just don't want to be like that, but I'm sure if we had she would have been very nice to us, just like she was when we met her after her show in Atlantic City back in '05.

Her personality also comes flowing out in her interactions with the crowd while she is on stage. She takes time between each song to joke around and tell the back story's of some of her songs, like many artists do. But, she also seems to be having fun up there, almost in a childlike manner, which is reinforced by her youthful looks and impossibly tiny body. Last night she mentioned the American accent a few times, and then went ahead and sung her song "Don't Ever" using her finely crafted American. "don't eva say you'll try" became "Don't ever say" and we all got a great laugh out of it.

Inky and I go back and forth on weather we even want Missy to hit it big in the US. Part of me wishes that more American music fans would be exposed to her truly amazing gifts. The other part of me wants to horde her, and keep her just for the Ex-pat Aussies and those of us Yanks in the know. Then I hear "Big Girls Don't Cry" or "Umbrella" and I realize that I may have to share Missy for the good of music in America.

Set List:

1. Sugarcane
2. Nightminds
3. Angela
4. Ten Days
5. Going North
6. Where I Stood
7. Don’t Ever (sung in an American accent)
8. The Wrong Girl
9. Katie
10. This is How it Goes
11. Forgive Me
12. All For Believing
13. Secret
14. Special Two
15. Scar
16. Steer
17. Warm Whispers
18. The Sound of White

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

They're Back!

As I was driving to campus for my freshman year of college I saw a really funny billboard. It was black and in big orange letters it said "Free O.J." in huge letters. The smaller writing under the Free O.J. said "with purchase of a dozen doughnuts. It was 1994 and the first O.J. trial was going on, which made for a great opportunity for Maple Doughnuts, a local institution. We don't do Dunkin or Krispy here in Central Pennsylvania because we have Maple.

Now the billboards are back saying "Free O.J. Again!" Genius! Plus their doughnuts are really and truly better than dunkin or K.K. and if you don't believe me you can drive down here and enjoy some yourself. On the way you may see a funny billboard.


Monday, October 01, 2007

Hooker, Line and Sinker

So it looks like Bret Michaels reads the Bible, particularly the book of Kings. After 55 minutes of intense "Rock o' Love" action last night he was confronted with a tough choice. Should he pick Heather: the haggard, wife of a steel worker looking 31 year old stripper with bad 80's hair. Or should he select Jes, the hard bodied, pink haired 23 year old who actually has a personality? Although most of us would have made that choice without barley thinking about it (and I believe Bret did too, but had to make it look good for the ratings) Bret appeared torn when the time came to make his choice.

And so; he stepped to his mark and asked the girls one question: "Would you both be my girlfriend?" Heather responded that she would love to be with Bret no matter what, so yes, she would share him. (She fell for it!) Jes said that she couldn't deal with sharing the one she was with, so she had to say no. It was at this moment that the wisdom of Solomon... err, Bret, was revealed. He said that it was a test. That he really didn't want to have two girls at once, but in fact, wanted to see which girl really wanted him. Genius! Or bullshit, I haven't figured it out yet.

Once Bret let Heather go, she turned sour faster then a carton of milk in the Outback. It was fun to see her realize that she had just been dumped by a guy who's name she has tattooed on her neck. Maybe she'll be the "New York" on Rock of Love 2, and get a second shot to show that she's there for Bret. I somehow don't see Bret and Jes getting married, but hey you never know. The show was never really in doubt. From the very beginning Bret called Jes' name no lower than 3rd in every show, and she was regularly the first called over the last 5 weeks. Maybe is was lust at first sight, or maybe he just made up his mind to pick the young one with the tight body from day one.