Sunday, September 30, 2007

'All I Can Eat' Not Quite What it Used To Be

I'm spending the weekend at XL's house, while Inky is at her mom's. We find that a weekend away from one another every once and a while is good for the marriage. It keeps up sane, and keeps her from suffocating me in my sleep. So I packed a bag and headed down to the Eastern Shore, where XL grew up and where Inky and I once lived. XL and I stayed up very late on Friday night to watch the AFL Grand Final, which was the first game of Footy that XL ever saw.

Saturday we went to lunch and watched TV and Movies during the day. That night we went to the Old Mill Crab House in Delmar Delaware. We were there so I could pay up on a bet we made over our fantasy football clash a few weeks ago. My wretched team lost, and so I had to treat XL to crabs. The crab dinner at Old Mill comes with all you can eat fried shrimp, clam strips, fried chicken, hush puppies and corn on the cob. After they let you get started on all this they bring out the crabs. XL is from these parts, so he can pick a crab much faster then I can, but we both did our fair share of eatin' before the night was through.

What took me off guard it that I no longer seam able to make these 'all you can eat' situations work for me. Time was, I could eat enough to make it feel like I had gotten over on the restaurant owner. Now, I lose steam and probably just break even in the realm of all you can eat economics. You might call it a gastronomic recession of sorts. I get less value our of my food dollar then I once did. I guess the important thing is that the food was awesome, even if I wasn't able to eat as much of it as I would have liked, and XL and I had a gay ole time.

_

Thursday, September 27, 2007

No Longer Keepin It Real

I was a member of the MTV generation, and in the target age group when The Real World first aird. I was 16, and while I was still a few years from dealing with the issues that Kevin, Eric, Norman, Andre, Eric, Heather, Julie and Becky dealt with I was interested in what was going on. Was it real? No, not really, since anything filmed and contrived by producers will always be a bit false. But, it was pretty damn honest, and in many ways Representative of who was watching. There were two black people, a gay man, the virginal southern girl and they all had to deal with each other while they lived their lives.

Over the years MTV often went back to the well, ensuring that there was an angry black guy, a gay person and a person who hated gay people (sometimes the angry black guy too) and they would sprinkle some sex appeal in to try and get a few of the cast members to fuck one another. They've done away with all the other stuff not and it just seams that all they want is for one of them to fuck another. Thanks Las Vegas cast.

I haven't watched the show in years, probably since I was in college, which is just how it should be. But, with Inky laid up with the broken leg she's been subjected to a lot of TV she wouldn't normally watch. (To be fair to her, she's also going through books like some sort of robot too.) The other day she told me that there were no gay people on this year's show and even more amazing... no Black people either. They have Parisa who is a Muslim of Iranian decent, and they have Shauvon who's last name is Torres but looks less Latin than I do.

This cast is made up of the least Representative sample of young America than any that went before it, and that fact is compounded that it is just the second cast to 'start getting real' outside the US. Our ambassadors to the city of Sydney are a few red necks, a few mussel bound jocks, some big titted blonde bimbos, and a few bible thumpers who some how manage to also drink like fish and be slutty. I guess I could be wrong, that could be real these days.

_

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Wow.

XL was so kind, as to send me this link to a story about love, loss, and pimps and ho's in a small town. First things first, what kind of self respecting lady of the evening only charges $10 for her services. HBO has lead me astray with their "Pimps up, Ho's Down" series. Although Easton Maryland is a small town, and maybe, like real estate, you pay less for a hummer the further you get from the big city.

Secondly, and perhaps most disturbingly, what is wrong with Sidney Thomas that he was "taking too long." Was the mood not right? Perhaps he needed his favorite "spank pillow" or something, but if you can't finish in a timely manner you don't deserve to get your money back.

Lastly, what kind of hooker calls the cops? I know she was the victim of a crime, and no one's saying that's OK, but she had to know she would be arrested too. Right? I used to live around the corner from where this went down, and I saw the small town hookers with my own eyes. But, I didn't know just how green they were. Get your head in the game Ho's of Easton. Else you gonna go on pimp arrest.

_

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Easy come, easy go.

A lot of people that know Inky and I were shocked to hear that we had taken a cat into our home. We were kind of surprised ourselves, but alas we opened our home, and our harts to Yarra. We enjoyed all of the great things about having her, watching her play, laughing at the silly stuff she did, and acting as a bed for her to nap on. But, we were also a bit surprised how differently we had to go about our lives with her around.

So it was bittersweet when her owners called to claim her on Sunday night. They had been out of town, and when the person they asked to get their mail went into the house the cat got out. Our Friend found her and brought her to us for a few great days, my allergies aside. It's nice to know that she's home, with people who will take care of her.

_

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Yarra T. Cat

As Inky pointed out on her blog the other day, we've had some additions to the family. First, on Thursday, I brought her home a surprise in the form of a new Ipod classic 80 gig. She named the Ipod Fudge and has set about learning all of his cool features. I have taken over ownership of Otis, our 3 year old 4th gen 40 gig Ipod. All parties are happy with the situation and very much at ease.

The same can't be said for our other acquisition. A friend of our's found a kitten outside of her house and after a week of circulating a flyer with her picture, she came to live with us. We have never owned a pet. Not a one. Not even a fish. So it's been strange for us. Yarra (named after the river that runs through our favorite city in the world) is easy to love. She kind of looks like a koala bear, with her short grey fur, with white spots, and she is very playful as kittens are so want to be. She is litter trained, and aside from some eye and nose itching on my part we've had no real problems with her.

Inky and I have spent a few hours just watching her play. She stalks the little feather and bell on a string toy that we have for her, just like a jungle cat. She gets low to the grounds and is perfectly still, all except for her tail which curls back and forth like a snake. Then she crawls forward, often hiding behind the table or the couch, before pouncing on her prey.

_

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Can We Handle Two Dicks at Once?

I have to admit I was all at once nervous and excited when I got my first crack at Dicks back in college. Now, I am forced to realize that I am surrounded by Dicks. Frankly, I don't know if I can take all these Dicks with out becoming... well, broke.

How much shopping can one guy do? And how many sporting goods stores does one town need?When I moved to York, we had an East side Mall and a West side mall which had the West Side WalMart which balanced out the East Side Wally World. But, now things are getting out of control in my home town. We have two of everything: Target, Lowes, Wholesale Clubs, Chili's, you name it, and we've got two.

And now we have two Dicks, like some kind of mutant freak town. Let's face it; two Dicks sounds like a good idea on a Saturday night after 12 beers and a jello shot or two, but in the light of day, no one thinks it's a good idea. I mean, do people really need that many golf clubs, canoes and Under Armour shirts? On the bright side, we now also have two Tech stores since the shopping center that houses the second Dicks also has a Best Buy, balancing out our Circuit City only existence.

_

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A Streetcar named Jezebel

You can't make shit like this up. The new trolley service that begins in Seattle's old Cascade neighborhood is being called South Lake Union Trolley, or S.L.U.T for short. The people that run the trolley sure don't think it's funny (they call it the South Lake Union Trolley Streetcar or S.L.US which isn't a euphemism for a trampy woman, and thus probably won't catch on as fast). The people that live in the working class neighborhood are tired of being grouped in to "South Lake Union" rather then being called old Cascade, so it's only fair that they come up with a name of their own for the Streetcar.

The best part is that a coffee shop in the Cascade area called Kapow! Coffee is selling T-shirts that say "Ride the S.L.U.T"

_

To Go Boldly Where No Ballet Dancer Has Gone Before

First thing's first, it always bothered me that the intro to Star Trek had a split infinitive in it. But, I digress. I love Star Trek, but not in that 'argue over what is cannon and what isn't' kind of way. The Next Generation was the first show that my old man and I regularly watched together, and so it was special to me. He loved the original series and took us to see all the movies, although neither of us would qualify as "sci-fi" fans. I think he watched Dr. Who, and I like various items from the genre but for me it was always about Trek. I like it more than Star Wars, which I know to some people is like saying that oral is better than intercourse. Sure, they're both good but the general consensus is that boning is better than knob bobbing.

Back to Trek. Over the last few months word has been coming out about who is joining the cast of J.J. Abrams' new Star Trek movie, which will be the 11th overall. The big one was Zachary Quinto who was cast as Spock, and who is a dead ringer. Then there was Anton Yelchin as Chekov, and word that Spock himself, Lenord Nimoy would have a cameo. But not J.J. Abrams has picked his Uhura: Zoe Saldana. The only thing I've ever seen young Zoe in is "Center Stage" and "Crossroads" (don't judge me fuckers) because they are unintentionally funny movies. I guess she was OK in them, but it was hard to take any one's acting seriously when I was so busy laughing. In the end, I think she will work as Uhura, but we all know the fate of this movie rests in who is picked to play Kirk.

_

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Food You'd Drive For

What food would you take a detour for, and I'm not just talking getting off the Highway and driving a mile from the exit. I'm talking about building in an extra two hours into your business meeting schedule so you can partake of foods you love. I've driven to Lancaster and back to York for no other reason but to eat at Capriotti's. XL and I drove all over Up State NY to eat just about anything and everything. That's just adding a certain eatery to your itinerary. No, what I'm talking about is going WAY out of your way.

For me the list is pretty short. When I'm in New Jersey, like I will be for work on Monday and Tuesday, I have to go to my old home town and have a few slices of pizza and a cannoli. When I'm in the Delaware Valley as I will also be on those days as well I have to have Yocco's.

So that's it, I'm off to celebrate Inky's birthday with her family, and then I'm going to eat some good food, oh yeah, and do some work.

_

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Unfair Practices

I did a post last night about this asshat who managed to impale himself on a fence at the York Fair. Turns out this genius was heading to the Fair to see the Bad Boys of Rock show (Buckchery, Hinder and Papa Roach) and the best part is: HE HAD A TICKET! He wasn't even sneaking in or anything, he and his friends just thought it would be a good idea to scale the 12 foot tall wrought iron fence. Fucking kids.

Speaking of fucking children, we also needed Chris Hanson to show up at the York Fair. It seams a woman in a pink dress was passing out business cards to young women in the bathroom to try and recruit them to work at a strip club. This kids were 10 and 11. Now I know they start 'em young these days but damn! Pink dress woman remains at large, and I would imagine that she's not in the county since we don't have any real strip clubs in York County. Believe me: I've looked for them.

_

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

What the Fuck Are We Doing Here?

Forgetting the fact that Inky and I aren't exactly 'go getters' who are all about chasing the yankee dollar, I often wonder why we don't live in a big city. I look around York Pennsylvania and see people with the Rebel Flag who probably couldn't name two generals of the confederate army and almost certainly couldn't spell confederate. We are people who are proud of our education, and don't shy away from using a vocabulary word from time to time... and for the record that does make me better than you Billy Bob. The quest for knowledge is the human imperative, not finger banging your daughter to a Toby Keith song.

The ultimate manifestation of the redneck ethos here in York is the York County Fair held at this time each September. I have lived in York for 12 Septembers ('94-'99 and '02-'07) and I have been to the fair exactly once, and that was just for an eclair the size of my forearm. But all you need to know about the York Fair is encapsulated in this story and the picture above. "Man impaled on fence at York Fair." No word yet on why he was going over the fence but I've got $5 says he was trying to sneak in.

By the way this was the headline just below the fence one on the York Daily Record website was "Hung Jury in sexual-assault case." I don't see what the penis size of the jury members has to do with the case... Ah York.

_

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

This Kid's Pain Makes Me Laugh

I only bash on Britney Spears to make money, get readers and give her a hard time. And apparently now, if I want to continue doing so I have to go through this fruit loop. So be it. I had to confer with Inky to see if this was a guy or a chick, but either way I think I can take him/her. "Leave Britney Alone!" NO WAY!

Mark my words, Chris Crocker, is probably as fake as everything else on the net. I bet the kid has an agent and will be a VJ on MTV in no time.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Don't Call it a Comeback

With Inky still laid up with her broken leg we called off our normal Sunday of salsa dancing and stayed in to watch TV last night. We flipped from football to Rock of Love and some other junk, but at 11:17 we went right to MTV to see the rebroadcast of the VMA's. Britney Spears opened the show with her 'comeback' performance of her new song "Gimme More." Holy Fuck! How do you forget how to fake sing? She obviously didn't even know the words to her song, let along any of the steps to the dance. This record may sell less than Paris Hilton's did.

And I know what you're thinking: "No one cares about the VMA's anymore Greazy." Wrong! Apparently Kanye West does. You can add MTV to the list of people that Kanye thinks don't like black people. He was upset that out of 5 nominations, he didn't win a single Moon Man. "That's two years in a row man. Give a black man a chance." Oh well, it looked like P douchie was having a good time so I guess MTV just has a problem with you Kanye.

Even though Inky and I only watched Britney's "performance" there was a lot more going on at the VMA's. Sara Silverman once again caused a dust up (she slapped Paris down during the MTV Movie Awards). After Britney finished Silverman said "Wasn't that incredible? Britney Spears, everyone. Wow. She is amazing. She is 25-years-old and she’s already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind blowing " before making a joke at her kid's expense. Then Tommy Lee and Kid Rock got into a fight that was probably about who got all crudded up by Pam first.

Remember when they used to show videos? That was great, now: Not so much.

___________________________

Friday, September 07, 2007

Kids and Their Newfangled Technology

What the fuck ever happened to a Polaroid camera? Time was, if a chick wanted to send her beau a photo of her naked body, she did so with something a little less public. Don't these kids know that anything with a connection to the Internet is susceptible? Well Vanessa Hudgens sure didn't. Maybe since she was born in 1988 Vanessa didn't know that she could've taken a nude pic with a Polaroid. That could have served as masturbation fodder for her little boy toy alone, rather than for the whole world as it is now.

And what ever happened to just getting your kit off in person? Back in my day girls would actually get naked in front of boys in order to turn them on. Is it just that these Disney/Hollywood types are to busy to be cock teases in person, and they feel the need to send naked photos? None of my high school or college girlfriends would take naked pictures for me (XL doesn't count) but maybe that was because I wasn't the star of High School Musical.

At any rate, congratulations to Vanessa Hudgens for opening the door to the slutty career path as opposed to the Disney one. I can't believe that too much time will pass before The mouSSe Squad fires her, and the it won't be long after that when she gets her first trampy role.

_

Thursday, September 06, 2007

My Wife is Fucking Tough

The next time I'm doing something around the house and I hurt myself, I can't milk the pain and get attention from my wife. I can't complain that a nagging injury will keep me from taking out the trash, or getting the laundry. Why not you ask. Because my wife walked a mile and a half... ON A BROKEN ANKLE! We have been doing a lot of hiking of late, and she decided to take advantage her half day yesterday to go out and hit the trail. But then the trail hit back.

There is one point along Kelly's Run where the trail narrows from an average of 4 feet to less than 1 foot. Each time we crossed it it looked as if it was getting smaller and smaller as more of it eroded away and fell over the side. Unfortunately for Inky, she happened to be walking on it when some of it eroded yesterday and she fell over the side, about 4 feet.

In a position where a lot of people, both men and women, would have panicked she pulled her shit together and assessed the situation. She had three choices: #1) Sit there and wait for someone to come along and help her. #2) Crawl to a point where she got Cel Signal and call 911, or me, to come get her. Or #3) Get up and walk out of the forest... on her fucking broken ankle. She took #3.

When she got home I was telling her that I was sure it had to be a sprain, because she wouldn't have been able to walk on a break. Then she took off her shoe, and I knew just by looking at it that it was broken. We rushed to the ER and after 2 1/2 hours we knew for sure. The kindly British lady who took her X-ray's said the same thing 'if you walked on it than it's probably not broken. Unless you have an unusually high tolerance for pain.' I guess she does.

So I'm home with her today, trying to help her get comfortable and trying to not feel like a total lady. Cause, I think I would still be sitting at the bottom of that creekbed trying to figure out what to do.

_

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Who Said There's Nothing Good on TV?

Last night while Inky and I were watching LA Ink I had a few realizations. #1, I just don't know if I can be into any girl who is that into Steve-O. Kat Von D may be falling off my list any day now. #2, Holy shit Pixie Acia is hot! Even Inky said so, this girl is just smokin'. I'm no fan of fake tits or a split tongue (both of which Pixie has) but there is no denying that this girl is a modern day beauty. She may just be the one to take Kat's spot on the list. Of course there is always competition, and with Inky and I in the very early stages of planing a trip to Oz in '08 I've started to think about adding an Aussie to the list again. I haven't had one since Lauren Jackson and Nicole Kidman both dropped off.

That ties in to the #3 thing I realized while watching TV last night. There are a ton of new TV shows starting this fall. You can't watch a sporting event with out being hit over the head with all the new shows each network will be bringing us this year. Most of them look like absolute crap, but one caught my attention for all the wrong reasons. "Chuck" is a new NBC show about a guy who works for a Geek Squad type computer repair service who somehow gets mixed up with an ass kicking bombshell of a secret agent. Unlike Alias, this is a comedy, but like Jen Garner she is stone cold hot. Yvonne Strzechowski (or Strahovski if you look at NBC's website) is an relatively unknown Australian actress who somehow wound up with a shot to make it big. If the show is a success she could find herself with more offers than she knows what to do with.

I don't know if the show is going to be any good or not, but I'll give it a shot. I didn't think I would like "How I Met Your Mother" and that turned out pretty well. With so many shows on that I already like, I don't know how many new shows I will add to my docket this year. One sure way to get me to give a show a chance is to cast people I've liked in other things (NPH's role in Harold and Kumar was the reason I tuned in to How I Met...) or give me a young hot Aussie as a second option. See... I'm simple. I'll leave you with one last shot of Pixie:

_

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Whatever Happened to Jenny McCarthy?

These pictures of Jenny McCarthy popped up online in the last week or two and it got me to wondering. Where the hell did she go. She is obviously still very hot, but for some reason she never took off after her turn in BASEketball and both Scream 3 and Scary Movie 3. I went to her imdb page and found that she has pretty much been working nonstop since then, but ask yourself this: when's the last time you thought about her?

One of the movies she is working on for later this year is called Wieners and is described with this sentence: "A road trip comedy about three friends who travel across the country in a Wiener Wagon to beat up a popular daytime talk show therapist." Wow! That sounds like a barn burner! So for some reason she is just not in our everyday 'pop culture' minds. She is still young (34) and a knockout, so what is holding her back from being stalked by photographers at every turn? Maybe she doesn't want to be and all these other Hollywood stars are full of it when they say they get unwanted attention.

I did read that her son was diagnosed with Autism, and that will undoubtedly take much of her time. But, somehow she had the time to write and star in a movie that won the Razzie for Worst Picture, and also netted her awards for worst Screne play and Worst Actress: Dirty Love. Maybe Jenny would be a good prospect for the part of Jenna Jamison that I talked about a few weeks back?

_

Monday, September 03, 2007

You Can Help Where You Come From

Inky and I just got back from 4 great days of vacation in Wild, Wonderful West Virginia. Based on what I saw, I still don't know if 'Mountain Mama' refers to a Mountain or a Woman, but my quest continues. What I do know is that I fucking hate rednecks. Don't confuse what I'm saying here. I don't hate all southern people, or even all NASCAR fans. I don't remember what property of math it is but All rednecks may be southern but all Southerners are not rednecks. Oh, yeah, and before I go any further. ATTENTION PEOPLE OF WEST VIRGINIA: You have a state because the people that lived there didn't want to be part of the Confederacy and succeed from Virginia, so all of the "Daddy's Little Rebel" bibs, and Dixie flag bandannas are super gay.

Back to the trip. I loved all the things we saw: Seneca Rocks, Smoke Hole Cavern, Spruce Knob, Black Water Falls and the Cass Railroad. They were great! And we had this great little cabin that Inky's mom found for us just down the road from where her father was born. 99.9999999% of our trip was amazing, there'll be pictures later. But, then there was Cletus and Brandine. They were in the cabin next to us, that is of course when they weren't out at the pool turning up Toby Keith to 11. What is it about douche bag rednecks that they have to listen to the worst country music on the planet at over modulated levels, with the station out of tune no less?

Plus their behavior in and around the pool was deplorable. All I could think of was the classic redneck response to Yankees who criticise their misbehavior. "We cain't hep whur we come from." Yes... Yes you can. How bad was it you ask? Remember that scene in National Lampoons Vacation where Vicki tells Audrey that she French kisses and when Audrey says that she does too, Vicki says "Yeah but my Dad says I'm the best." We got the live show. No father of a 16 year old should pull her onto his lap at all; let alone when she's in a tiny bikini. Yuck!

To be fair I hate rednecks in all their species. Be it the New Jersey "Dego" the East LA "Esse" or the urban "gangsta." Acting like an entitled fool doesn't make you cool, and it sure as hell won't get you very far in life. You'll end up with some stupid redneck, Jersey-girl, puta or bitch. You aren't as good as you once were.

Any how, like I said the trip was really good in the end. We saw some cool shit and if you can stand West Virginians I would recommend West Virginia.

The View From inside Smoke Hole Cavern:
Seneca Rocks:
From the Top of Seneca Rocks (yup, we climbed 'em):
The Black Water Falls:
The Highest Point in WV, Spruce Knob (We drove to this one, albeit up a dirt road):
Inky and I on the Cass Scenic Railroad (no I wasn't drinking):

_