Sunday, May 13, 2007

Not-A-Mother's Day

First thing's first, I love my Mom. I fully appreciate everything she's done for me in my life, and I respect all the sacrifices she and my old man had to make on my behalf. So, today I'll give her a call and tell her so, but, that doesn't mean I have to be like them.

Parenthood is one of the few things they did, that I have no interest in doing myself. You see, I am greedy and self-interested and those things aren't good to be if you are going to drop spawn. I like my life the way it is, and that is why I am hereby decreeing that the Friday after Mother's and Father's day will now be for those of us who choose to not have kids.

There are a few rules for not-a-mother's or father's day, however. Firstly you have to be over 30 and plausibly able to have brats, eg: gettin' some. I'll make one little exception to the age rule if you got married young, so if you are over 25 and have been married a full year, you can join too. That's when the questions usually start anyway "so... when you going to have kids?"

If you are 39 and you last used your junk during the Clinton Administration then, I'm sorry, that's not in the spirit of what I'm talking about. The people I am referring to are the group that I know who have found a husband or a wife and are committed and monogamous, but just not ready or willing to reproduce. In the case of Inky and I, we have been married for almost 8 years, and are now over 30 but we find other things to do with our time and money. We like to travel, and often spend money on dumb things like CD's, book's, nights out or toys. Other excuses for staying childless are continuing your education, advancing your career or waiting till you buy a home. I'd also accept "I'm just not willing to bring an innocent child into this fucked up world" but you've really got to mean it.

Since I don't believe in discrimination, I include gays and lesbians in this group. The same age restrictions apply, but you are disqualified if you refer to your cats and/or dogs as your kids. A sure way to know if you have crossed a line here is if you have given them middle names or if you buy them gifts on their "birthday" or at Christmas. We can't have that kind of crazy here, and that goes for the straights as well.

So for all of you who meet these unflinchingly ridged restrictions, have a great Not-A-Mother's day on Friday the 18th. Go out and get tanked, smoke some weed or even have three way, it's all gold. It's up to you how you'll celebrate the fact that you don't have to once turn to your husband, wife or partner and ask "do you think we should call the sitter and check on the kids."

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