Friday, May 25, 2007

America: Sweet Land of Laziness

It's no wonder the world hates us. I found no less than 7 world newspapers who picked up an AP story about able bodied Americans who use scooters to get around in Las Vegas. The story originally ran in the Dallas Star-Telegram, but I saw it on my daily visit to the Sydney Morning Herald. So now the world knows that there are people so lazy that they will resort to riding a scooter right up to the craps table. One would imagine that they also take it to the buffet, and the pool as well. In fact, it's not hard to see the perfect day for one of these sloths.

Wake up and roll out of bed, onto the scooter. Drive into the bathroom and wash yourself with a rag on a stick, making sure to get those hard to reach spots. (eg feet) Put on your finest NASCAR shirt (men) or muumuu (women) and hit the town! After pissing everyone off on the elevator, zoom ahead of them to the breakfast buffet where you can get more food by placing one tray on the scooters basket and holding another. After consuming thousands upon thousands of calories it's down to the pool, where you can roll right off the scooter and onto a pool float, as not to burn too many of those calories. After the pool, its back to the buffet for lunch and onto the floor for some slots and black jack.

You can really work up a powerful hunger with all that pushing of the slot machine button (no longer do you have to strain yourself by pulling the one armed bandit's arm) so now it's time for dinner and a show. But first, it's back to the room to get dressed up for dinner, which means a Dale Sr. tee shirt. Respect! After rolling up to the crab legs and shrimp over and over again, the time has come to get a handicap seat at the Blue Man Group.

Inky and I have been to Vegas a couple of times, and I thought the walking was the best part. Kind of like our trip to Oz, we found that we each lost weight despite all the wonderful food we had been eating. I know it's hot in Vegas, but come on! These people are so lazy that they don't even get a Segway because that would require them to stand. God Bless the USA!

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