Wednesday, February 28, 2007

PLAY BALL!!!! (in 75 days)

There are 75 days until professional baseball comes back to York Pennsylvania in the form of the York Revolution. As minor league baseball names go, this one is pretty gay. I guess it could be worse, we could be the river sharks, or the sea dogs or some other combination of things that don't go together like the chocolate pickles! Actually, I would buy at York Chocolate Pickles jersey. I was pulling for an ethnically insensitive name for the team like the York WOPS, now there's a jersey and hat that would have been coming home with Greazy Tony. I figure with all the outcry about Indian names the best way to solve it is to have a few teams that slap down other people, you know Like the Lancaster Fighting Amish and the Boston Drunkin' Micks. Good times.

In all seriousness, I am really excited about baseball in my hometown. This was going to be the last year I had any connection to Major League Baseball anyway. The Orioles, who I have rooted for since childhood, blow goat. There is no way around it, they are just plain awful and it's not a lovable looser thing like the Cubs, they just stink up the joint. If they were trying and playing bad I would be OK with it, but the ownership isn't even trying. So once Cal Ripken was inducted into the Hall of Fame in July, my dance with MLB was pretty much at and end.

Now I will have a team of "has beens and never will be's" to Cheer on from May to September. Not only does independent minor league baseball axe the worst month of the season (April) off but they field a group of guys who you cheer for because of the name on the front of their jersey. They will bring in a bunch of wash out pitchers and hitters but the beauty of it is that they are all at about the same skill level. So if the pitcher is at a C+ and the hitter is a C+ then it looks like great baseball. It's not like football where if everyone sucks you get... well your average high school game. Here the dynamics of the most perfect game ever invented allow for a contest that is pleasing to the eye, in so much as that eye belong to a casual baseball fan. Most people don't care that the big 1B can't hit a pitch on the inside of the plate, because most of the pitchers can't consistently paint the inside. The nuance may be gone, but he flow of the game will still be there.

And so I say Play Ball! In 75 more days!


Tuesday, February 27, 2007

We'll need a big litter box.

I've been pretty set in my ways when it comes to Inky and I getting a pet. I'm against it. I don't like taking care of myself, let alone another being, especially when that being is incapable of love or affection. Humans confuse an animals routine of being dependant with love all the time. I am a heartless prick and see dogs and cats as just another mouth to feed. And the cause of shit on my rug, for which there can be no justification. If Inky started taking dumps on the carpet, even she would have to go... believe that! So you know I'm not going to take that from an animal, if it craps on the rug it gets Greazy Tony's patented pet-be-gone process. All you need is a bridge, a brick and a pillow case. Problem solved. (PS tie that pillow case tight, you don't want them swimming to the bank of the river and making it home.)

I admit it; I'm an animal hater. Unless you have a lot of land for them to run around on, you shouldn't have one. Keeping a animal in a crate in your basement is cruel (I know, this coming from the bridge, brick and pillow case guy) and you are just using them for what you think is affection. You also condition them to be amazed by what they perceive as new. So when I come to your house they jump up on me and freak out because they are so used to only seeing the inside of a cage for half their day.

All that being said, I want a cat. Not some stupid back ally spawn of a tom and a whore. No, I want a toyger. Some freak in California is spending millions of dollars to bread cats that resemble tigers. They will have the same stripes as tigers, larger paws, a bigger over all bone structure and perpendicular stripes on their heads. These cats, like their larger cousins, love water and will play in a pool if you give them one. People say they have many dog-like traits with out the ever annoying barking. They shed very little, and are playful without needing constant attention. Sign me up! Oh yeah, except for the fact that they cost a few thousand bucks. Damn! Where, my pillow case?


Sunday, February 25, 2007

My Blood Runs Cold, The Devil is a Centerfold.

Inky and I have a lot of Calendars in our house, and for the most part they are based on things that bring us joy. Between us we have two Australia Calendars, A sports on, a South Park one and best of all a Kat Von D calendar with her in all of her glorious busty, tattooed splendor. Calendars can bring such joy to a home! Of course they can also be 12 months of evil incarnate like the RNC 2007 edition. For just $25 you can own this spiffy calander that features photos of the worst President in history, plus as an added bonus you also get a father who stands up for people who hate his daughter. That's right, Dick is Mr. August. Take a moment to rinse that vomit from your mouth and read on.

Luckily for everyone, Dick isn't splayed out on a sofa in just a pair of jeans and chaps or anything. In fact, someone was thinking ahead and made sure that Dick's body is not visible in the photo, good on ya. I laugh thinking about the people who get on line, pay for this piece of shit, and then anxiously await it's arrival, just so they can see W 11 months a year and Dick in August. That would be like waiting in line for the George W. Bush dollar coin in 2017, when it comes out. Of course by then we will have had enough time to look back at all the time encompassed by this calendar, and the last 6, and realize that it was one of the lowest points in our nation's history.

I can't wait for January 2oth 2009.


Friday, February 23, 2007

Is that a Chevy Castradi Pick-Up You're Driving?

There may be a whole bunch of Pickups, Jeeps, and SUV's singing soprano in Maryland soon. That is if a Republican State politician, LeRoy E. Meyers Jr., gets his way. He proposed a bill to the Maryland General Assembly that would make fake "trucknutz" illegal. It would also punish the display of "depictions of naked human breasts, buttocks or genitals" and punish offenders with a fine of up to $500. Damn! I guess I have to take those tits off my Saturn the next time I drive to Maryland.

I am all at once appalled that tax dollars are being waisted on such a measure, and happy at the thought that some redneck will be pissed off by this. I personally don't think the prosthetic gonads are offensive to anything but good taste, but then again I don't finger-bang my daughter either. I'm not a big fan of in-your-face southernism weather it be the "put a boot up your ass" fake patriotism of country music or the "git 'r done" our-way-or-the-highway mentality often portrayed by some in the south.

Some people in Maryland take the fact that they are below the Mason-Dixon line a bit too far, and as such you happen upon the odd occasional Dixie flag or crass bumper sticker. I first saw the trucknutz about 5 years ago at my old job, which was in Maryland. I will admit, I laughed the first time I saw them, because I though it was kind of clever. But, that was before I knew that they were mass produced and before every redneck had a pair.

No matter how much I think they are stupid, and endemic of the good ol' boy mentality that helps to breed hate against gays, blacks and women, I say you should be able to put them on your car if you want to. I know you need to be able to express your individuality by having your truck with the "git 'r done" bug guard, the naked lady mudflaps, and the "If you can read this, than a teacher, if you can read this in English, thank a soldier" bumper sticker. Just like the goth kids need to show how different they are by all wearing the same clothes from Hot Topic, Right?

All that said, however, I still say you shouldn't be fined for an expression that may offend a few people. People have to stop being so damn offended all the time in this country and that goes for all the people who think TV and Movies are out to attack their religion. It is this type of infighting and lack of focus on actually keeping our country strong, rather then just saying over and over again that it is, that will end up making us susceptible to losing our place as a world power financially. We need to keep our eye on the ball, so to speak, or else you may find that the next generation may be forced to dangle darker, or yellow balls from their cars. (Offensive enough for you?)


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Queen's English.. Both of 'em.

I was browsing through the online version of the Sydney Morning Herald today when I came across a story that really got my attention. A little background here: I love Australia, and everything that went along with it's founding and settling. That included the transportation of English people both bond and free to the shores of the great southern land.

That was the way people got from England to Australia through out the 1790's all the way up to the twentieth century. In the latter years people in the higher class of English and Australian society would have made the trip on a large ocean liner, which are now used primarily for vacation and adventure rather than transport. I also love ships, and just about everything having to do with ships, and so seeing that the Queen Mary 2 and the Queen Elizabeth 2 were both in Sydney Harbour at the same time today was a great convergence of things I love.

That's not what the locals called it, however. The surge of people trying to see the sister ships in the harbour lead to massive traffic jams and an overall sense of commotion that the SMH called: a kerfuffle. (N. KER-FUF-UL, 1. To put in a state of disorder; to ruffle 2. A commotion; a rumpus; a fuss.)

I love this word! I've heard it used mainly by Brit's it also turns up in Aussie papers and on Aussie Radio a lot. It is so wonderfully expressive, as the word it self seems to be a jumble of consonants mixed with the Uh sound that is among the most closed of the vowel sounds. K's and F's and that last UL sound bring together quite a cool little word. It's one of the words I think of when I hear someone like Henry Rollins talk about making our language stand up on it's hind legs and get workin' again.

Greazy, could you please use kerfuffle in a sentence?

Sure. At first it looked like our involvement in Iraq was just going to be a kerfuffle, but then it turned into a brouhaha, then a quagmire and now it's just a clusterfuck. How was that?


Monday, February 19, 2007

I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger. But she ain't messin' with no Place Kicker.

First and 10, Brady under center. He surveys the D and sees pressure coming up the middle so he changes the play. He backs away from the bent over figure in front of him and pulls out (the Ball) but it's too late. He's been sacked by a 6 pound 9 ounce linebacker.

Brady is the second NFL QB to knock up a woman, only to break up with her before the baby was born, but at least he didn't cost his Alma Mater's Women's Basketball team some wins. That's what Matt Leinart did when he knocked up Brynn Cameron. The 5-10 Junior Guard will Red Shirt the '06-'07 season due to the lingering effects of an episiotomy (talk about splitting the defense!) oh yeah... and the birth of Cole Cameron Leinart in October.

My first thought was 'holy shit that kid's gonna be tall and good looking' but my second thought was this: Don't these guys make their living based on protection? With out those big huge fat guys in front of them on the football field they end up their backs. But, when they are on their backs with a tiny, hot chick I guess they don't worry about protection. Brady and Bridget Moynahan broke up a few months back and now Brady is with Gisele Bundchen, and one would hope he's using some protection.Don't get me wrong, I'm not a "no sex before marriage" kind of guy, and I don't even care about young people (both men and women) being promiscuous. I say get all you can, or all you care to get, just be safe about it. And not just because you can get VD, but, because you may make another human in the process of getting your rocks off.

We all know about condoms, and I doubt there's a college girl outside of the ones at Bob Jones University who hasn't heard about the pill. Hell, Leinart and Cameron both were athletes at a school who's nickname is.... The Trojans! For Christ's sake, does it get any easier then being able to take a hint from the school mascot?

Brady did. He went to the University of Michigan where the Wolverine is the mascot, and once he got caught in Moynahan's trap he gnawed his own leg off so he could get away. (Props to Inky for this Joke!)

I don't know if Leinart and Cameron are a couple (I do know they both wore the number 11 in their respective sports at USC), and if they are I guess I should let them off the hook here. Cause like I said, I don't think you have to be joined in the eyes of the Lord to be able to make a baby. However, if a baby isn't what you're after... Wrap it up!


Sunday, February 18, 2007

How Could This Happen?

I've done everything I thought I could to make it all not true, but I have to own up to it. I... Greazy Tony, like Justin Timberlake. Let me first clarify that I think his music is utter garbage. I believe he should be blocked from ever singing again by a joint congressional resolution. That said, I think he's pretty funny, and if he just wants to show up and host SNL from time to time I'm all for it.

His December '06 appearance on SNL re-aired last night and Inky and I watched the "Dick in a box" and "Homelessville" skits and he's damn good at comedy. We were both amazed the last time he hosted, in '05 that he was able to play roles other then himself. Even though he has sung in the three skits he was best in, he pulled it off well. I'm actually ok with him being in the next Shrek movie now, but that doesn't mean I'm going anywhere near Alpha Dog!

If you get a chance to check out "Dick in a box" and if you haven't seen it yet be prepared to laugh you ass off. And as long as you're at youtube, you might as well check out "My box in a box" put together by a Timberlake fan. It's pretty good too.


Thursday, February 15, 2007

Don't Be A Douche

I know it's snowy and cold out there, but that's no reason to be a douche-bag. People take snow storms as an excuse to be totally dismissive of other people. Every year there are a few cock holes who abandon their cars in front of our house because they cant make it up the big hills we live at the base of. They try and try to get up the hill, which Inky and I watch like some sort of Japanees game show, but in the end they fail and have to ditch in front of Casa de Inky Y Greezy. This causes the plow to have to go around the cars and go right past our driveway. That means we not only have to shovel our driveway, but also about 28 square feet of municipal roadway.

Fuck those people!

Also, fuck the people who don't clean their cars off before hitting the road. All they do is scrape thier windows and then hop in and take off. They leave the whole roof, trunk and hood's worth of snow to blow on others as they drive. Well I hope they get rectal warts!

Don't even get me started on SUV and truck drivers that think they are impervious to the elements. True, you can handel a bit better but that doesn't mean you can drive like you're in the Daytona 500. Slow down and save a life shit stain.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

We Won't Be Fooled Again

There was a time when I had to be the first to have the new hot item. I saved up money from my paper rout back in ’89 so I could buy a Sega Genesis. Then in ’95 I waited on line at Toys R Us to buy the first PlayStation console. Five years later, as a married man, I dragged my wife to Best Buy after hearing a rumor that they had a few PS2’s and I spent my whole monthly bonus on it, and a few games. I always loved the idea of being on the forefront of technology, and the last time I pushed that envelope was almost 5 years ago when Inky and I got our Tivo, at a time when most people were still confusing it with the bad guy from the movie Friday.

I’ve changed. It’s not that I don’t like cool new things, because I do. It’s that I’ve seen the prices on these things drop after I have paid full price one time to often. I paid well more than $450 for my PS2 purchase when you factored in a few games, an extra controller and the stand that let you set it up vertically. Then the next summer you could find it for $100 cheaper. Then in ’02 Inky and I bought a beautiful 36” Sony Vega TV that was as expensive as it was heavy. After a year that same TV was half as much, and right now you can get one for next to nothing, that is if you can still find one.

Now I’m smarter. We’ve held on to that big ass TV as almost everyone we know has run out and dropped more than a grand on a 42” or bigger flat screen. In the new aspect ratio a 42” TV is about the same as an old 35” so most of these folks are making the same mistake that Inky and I did. In a year or two we will go in and buy the same TV for a third of the price. It’s not that I’m cheep, far from it. It’s that I consider myself too smart for fall for this crap again.

It is for all these reasons that I will not buy Windows Vista, or a new computer until 2009. You see, that’s when Microsoft plans on releasing Windows Vienna which will take Vista’s place. This is like a guy who starts looking for a new girl just as soon as he starts dating someone. We had 5 years between the launch of XP and Vista, but it looks like Billy boy is back to his old tricks, and I won’t bite. Not again!


Sunday, February 11, 2007

300 vs 13.

A tiny, insignificant group of small minded hate mongers came to my home town this weekend. We brushed them off as if they didn't exist. Truth be told, they would have had slim to no impact if we didn't show up en mass to shut them up. But, the point was made that there were hundreds of people who were willing to stand in 18 degree weather for an hour to say that hate is not ok.

The crowd was a mix of high school students and older residents too. There were gay and lesbian residents and even church members who are not pro-gay but are very much anti hate. The throng of 300 plus included a few who mugged for the cameras and some who didn't get the idea of a "silent protest" and shouted back at the 13 in bread Kansas hicks. Some of the older protest veterans sang Amazing Grace to drown out the chants of the Westboro Baptist Church as they walked by at the end of the demonstration. The younger group chanted "na na na na, na na na an, hey hey hey. Good bye!" It was a nice effort but would have worked better at the end of a York Suburban High School Basketball win, not a community response to the WBC's protest of the schools production of The Laramie Project.

In the end, however, I could not have been more proud of York. People took different paths to show their disapproval of the so called church that came to our town, but they showed it, and that is all that matters. Some had funny signs like "God loves everyone, including pirates" and some just stood with their big rainbow umbrellas open, pointed at the WBC's bakers dozen. One college aged guy got laughs when he implored the leader of the WBC to stop all of this nonsense and acknowledge their gay love. "After you fucked my ass you told me you would love me forever" he shouted. Good work out of all involved, and a worthy way to spend a freezing hour, even though it looked like Inky might loose some toes at one point.


Wednesday, February 07, 2007

God Hates those who hate in His name.

People normally get excited when a well known national act come to their town. The Rolling Stones, the New York Yankees, Foghat... hell even Disney on Ice. These things are big deal in most towns in America, causing a stir of anticipation. This weekend my town will be invaded by a small well known cult of self promoting false profits. I wont use this group's name, because that just gives them more exposure, and they subscribe to the 'any PR is good PR' school of thought. I am tempted to call them stupid inbred hatemongers, but that doesn't give them enough credit for their ability to stir the souls of good people. In fact, they are far too smart for all of our own good.

They are coming to this area to protest a local High School's production of The Laramie Project and they are bringing all their normal ignorant hate signs. I've met some people who can't deal with their own obvious homosexuality, but boy the leader of this group takes the cake. He and his group of 150 lunatics (90 of which are his family mind you) are so angry with their own gayness that they have to act out against others who are more comfortable with who they are.

I've got $20 that says this guy is fucking another guy in the butt on a daily basis and after he is finished he had the concubine flog him with a knotted up string of anal beads. I got 4 words for you: closet case self loather!

So these stupid fucking hicks from Kansas are coming to my town because they cant deal with they're own gayness. They are further tormented by the fact that the world around them is slowly but surely (and correctly, i might add) coming to grips with the fact that there's nothing wrong with being gay. Rather than come around and be ok with themselves they hate the world at large for becoming accepting of the life they secretly hope to live. So they not only lash out at gays, but also anything they see as an embodiment of our free nation. So they picket at the funerals of those killed in Iraq, and they fly the US flag upside-down because they have no respect for the nation that provides the very freedoms they enjoy. A classic case all around.

I'm torn as to what my response should be when they show up this weekend. Should I ignore them, and employ the "just don't look" form of resistance argued for in a classic Simpson's episode? Or should I understand that there comes a time and a place when some one needs to be called on their bullshit? We've all seen the overwhelmed/over read mothers who just let their kids cry and continue in an unabated tantrum, thinking that all the child wants in attention. In some cases that is true that's all they want, but then their is the very effective tactic of slapping that fucking brat across his or her grill. That's what these Kansas mother fuckers need, so the "just don't look" option wont help now.

I'm not advocating violence against them in any way shape or form, because they want nothing more than a lawsuit to help fill their coffers. I am going to be there with anyone else who cares about freedom and righteousness acting as a shield between these simple minded, hell bound, non-persons and the people who want to go see this show and expand their minds. I may wear my WWJD for a Klondike bar shirt too, or make a pass at one of the guys like Aussie TV personality Charles Firth once did.


Monday, February 05, 2007

Of course the Colts won the Superbowl last night... did you get a look at the starting line up? I'm not talking about the amazing O of the Colts, or the superb D of the Bears. I'm speaking of the 7 men who had on the black and white tops. Here's how they lined up:

Referee: Tony Corrente
Line Judge: Ron Marinucci
Field Judge: Jim Saracino
Umpire: Carl Paganelli
Side Judge: John Parry
Head Linesman: George Haward
Back Judge: Perry Paganelli

Wow! That's a lot of vowels at the end of those names, and the one Paganelli brother with the most Italian name (Dino) wasn't even on the crew. Could there have been some hanky panky going on in Miami? The line for the game was 7 as soon as the pairing for this game was set, and it looked like even fate was out to make sure that the Colts not only won... but covered. I'm not trying to start a rumor or anything but what are the chances you have five sevenths of any group be Italian American and end up with a group that isn't crooked. One of the great truths in this world is you have to watch those I-ties. Why can't we get a crew of all solid American names like Smith, Jones, White and Bush? Then the game would have come out the right way; with the better team winning.

This has been a rant from Greazy Tony (who's name ends in a vowel) and I'm taking my tongue out of my cheek. Great job Tony, Peyton and Colts D.


Saturday, February 03, 2007

Dr. Kovac, You ARE the Father.

I was looking at today's Sydney Morning Herald when I came across a great story, amid the news of Kylie's break up and an Aussie Couple's campervan cock-up. I doubt it will get much play in the US because this story is told every weekday, except when MOPO is doing make-overs or out of control teens.

A nurse at a Kosevo hospital had a kid a few weeks back and she is having a hard time figuring out who the father is. On the Maury show the hapless woman, who obviously doesn't know much about conception, would parade her list of conquests on stage to be tested, until the father was found. In Kosevo the nurse, who you would imagine is looking at a week to 10 day window of when she got knocked up, has a reported 20 men to test.

When the girls come on to the Maury set Inky and I often wonder if they are bringing a whole year's worth of guys with them because they don't understand the idea of counting back to conception. This nurse must have that covered and still she has 20 Doctors who work in her hospital as potential fathers.

That's a lot of fucking! For anyone, let alone Doctors who should be saving lives. The simple math bears out two Doc-on-nurse screw sessions a day! Well, it is Europe, and they do do things differently over there.


Friday, February 02, 2007

If you let me go back, I'll even do the math!

I've spent the better part of the last 15 years trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. There have been a few times in my life when I was sure I had hit upon a calling that was right for me, and a few of those were right in that moment. But, as time wore on, I found that the careers I had picked were not enough to keep me switched on and excited.

Last night I was flipping through the on-screen guide and saw a special on PBS about the ARA General Belgrano's sinking at the hands of the nuclear sub HMS Conqueror. I watched this special for and hour and a half and realized that I didn't know half of what there was to learn about the Falklands War. That has been happening to me a lot more of late, finding out that there is just too much I want to know more about.

I wasn't the greatest student of all time, to be sure, but I did enjoy college. I took the basic class options in the areas I don't like, such as College Math, and rather than a lab Science I took Marine Biology and Oceanography. When I found a subject I liked I overdid it and took extra classes. I took more History and Literature then I should have, but that was only because I liked those classes, or the Professors who taught them. I found, not surprisingly, that I did better in the classes I liked, and that included the classes in my now cast aside field of study: Broadcasting.

Since I work on a College campus every day now, I often hear students saying the same things we all said back then. "I just need to know it for the test, and then I can forget it all." The problem is, I want to know stuff these days, and there's no test. To quiz, no paper to write and no grade to earn. I want to know for the oldest reason in human kind: because it's there.

I guess that's why there are so many bookstores in a country that the rest of the world considers to be ignorant history. I see the old guy picking up the book about the war of 1812, or the Second Boer War and I finally get it. It's killing me that I still have a stack of books to get through, and there is a new book out by Michael Oren about the long history of America's interaction with the Middle East. I want to read that! I want to know all the information in that book and in hundreds of others, live and pay the bills, so I have to go to work. Blast!

Subjects like math and Chemistry used to make me wish my schooling away, but now I would gladly struggle through them if I could just take a cool history class or have an amazingly insightful Lit Prof.