Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The Worst Giveaway Ever

Here's another tale from our trip to Virginia Beach. While out walking along Atlantic Ave, Inky and I encountered the worst giveaway ever. We saw a sign in front of The Capes Resort Hotel that said "Free mattresses" which at first didn't seem too bad. Then we started to think about those TV news magazine shows where they take the black light into the hotel rooms and find the spots of blood, piss and spunk that are all over the room.

The one place that always has the most stains it the bed. And not just the bedspread, blankets and sheets either because most of the aforementioned stain causers will leach all the way into the mattress. I had always assumed, or hoped I guess, that hotels got rid of their mattresses on a fairly regular basis. Maybe even half as soon as one of us may get rid of ours, since ours probably have a whole lot less blood, piss spooge on them.

So I applaud the Capes for pulling some old mattresses out of their establishment and putting in some new ones, but did they need to give them away? I know what your thinking: 'But Greazy are you sure that they weren't giving away new mattresses?'

Yes. Because on the second day we were in VB we walked by the Capes again and saw some of the freebies laying against the front of the hotel. They look like they were a pretty good size, but their quality was immediately discernible. All of them appeared to have large stains, unless they were some sort of hotel mattress stigmata, that meant they were piss, blood and cum soaked. The one in the front was so bad it looked as if it had been dipped in the ocean like a tortilla into salsa.

I started to wonder less about the hotel manager who put these freebies out, and started to wonder about who is driving down the road and slams on the breaks and picks one of these things up. It reminded me of Cousin Eddie from the movie "Christmas Vacation" when he asks Clark if he can have the chair that the cat got fried under. We've all seen the person who goes around the block to take a second look at a chair or couch that's been put out for the trash. Hell, I grew up with it. Mama Greazy would see an old chair that she thought she could re-cover or reupholster and she would make us jump out of the van and pull it in. XL, Big Wayne and I took a leather couch that was destined for the dump in college, and we had to put books (yes college text books) under it to keep the cushions from falling through the bottom due to it's lack of springs.

BUT WE NEVER PICKED UP A JIZZ SOAKED MATTRESS!

I know some people will tell me that it was the Christian thing for the hotel to do, that there are people in this world who can't afford a new mattress. That's true, there are people who can't, but the way to fix that isn't to give them our man-mayonnaise coated cast offs. We were in the home of the 700 Club who bring in thousands of dollars an hour to pay for Pat Robertson's lavish life style, maybe they can start to help those people like churches are supposed to.

Or here's a novel idea: maybe our government can help them by raising the minimum wage, keeping our jobs in the country and eliminating taxes for anyone who makes less than 30k a year. Let the rich people who stay in $350 a night rooms at the Beach in the summer and blow a load on one mattress while their kid tinkles on the others foot the tax bill for the people who have to pick up one of these nasty giveaways.

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3 comments:

princess1128 said...

All I can say is "YUCK"!!!!!

Angry Inky said...

Dude, we totally should have taken them, and sold them ourselves. Nothing but PROFIT!!!!

ycpgreazy said...

It's just a shame we were in the Saturn, because we could have done that!