Friday, June 30, 2006

I Got Something For Your Mind, Your Body and Your Soul.

Someone I know, Who shall remain name and knicknameless to protect the justifiably guilty came up with a great idea earlier this week. This person works in a place where they have to put up with all kinds of corporate workplace minutia, let alone the incessant pestering of clients. Till recently this person was also haunted by a now replaced piece of faulty office equipment. So what's the faithful "Office Space" fan to do? Well the person in question didn't steal 300k from the company but they did take the offending old piece of equipment home with intentions toward destroying the vile box of wires, chips and plastic.

Yesterday at work I was also bedeviled by a piece of what is supposed to be 21st century technology and I thought about the idea this person had. My problem is the equipment I wanted to trash is pretty new, custom built and costs millions. What to do? Where do you go when work, traffic and the everyday annoyances of life get you down?

(Drum roll punctuated by symbol crash)

To Aggravation Inc. where you can take out all of your pent up, pulsating rage in a cathartic frenzy of destruction. Just like Michael, Samir and Peter did when they kicked the holy hell out of their arch nemesis: The Fax Machine. (Why did it say 'paper jam' when there was no paper jam?) At Aggravation Inc. we specialize in preparing the revenge beating of you dreams, but don't believe me listen to a few of our satisfied customers.

Ed Nichols, Banker from Baltimore. I got sick and tired of sitting in traffic to and from work behind some stupid yuppie who is tying his tie while drinking a latte. At A.I. they let me follow a trained stunt man around their spacious outdoor track in stop and go traffic. Once I worked myself up into a white hot seething lather I jumped from my car and dragged that cocksucker from his car and beet him all about his protective head gear. I feel better now... Thanks Aggravation Inc.

Laura McChesterton, College Student from PA. There is nothing I hate more then people who talk on cel phones at a restaurant or who talk in general at a movie. A.I. set up a great evening in their on site theater and cafe. First we saw a new blockbuster movie and sat right in front of the couple who just couldn't shut the fuck up. Ten minutes in we jumped over the isle and laid waist to them, and the projectionist paused the movie for us! Then we had meal at the great little cafe and about half way through the appetizer the guy in the suit smoking while talking loud on his phone got his. My sister held him down while I went to work on his bread basket with the leg from my chair. The stunt men were great, and so was the food! Thanks A.I.

Troy Jackson, Edison NJ. I work in a big office, and I have no less than 5 different members of the management team who bother me on a daily basis, trying to pawn their work off on me. A.I. got stunt men who looked and talked like my gaggle of bosses and I took them all on, Bruce Lee style. Just like in the movies they only came at me one at a time: Troy did you do that report? Bam a smack across the back with a pool stick. Mr. Jackson where is that spread sheet I asked for? Pow a haymaker to the abdomen. And so on and so forth. Thanks A.I.

J. Mary N. Joseph. Bookseller Borders, York PA. I hate the stupid headsets we have to where around the store, so the manager can constantly monitor us. I also hate stupid people who don't take five seconds to look for a book before asking. Aggravation Inc. set up a very realistic mock up of Borders and let me walk around getting questioned by ignorant rednecks, vacant high school blondes, and impatient yet demanding old people. All the while a guy with a voice just like my manager was harping on me "Mary, we need you at cash. Mary we need you at info." By the time the guy in the Dale Earnhardt as Angle cut off tee asked me if we had " any Nudie books sweet cheeks" I went to another place. I used the headset cord to choke mullet and then started throwing big books at all the others. Just as I got the old man in the hip with "Anna Karenina", I wheeled around and hit the two vapid Britney clones across the faces with Betty Friedan's "Fountain of Age." It was better than an orgasm.

This is the stuff I think up while I'm up all night slowly slipping into madness. I hope you enjoy.

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1 comment:

Angry Inky said...

"This thing is lucky I'm not armed."