Thursday, February 23, 2006

Not Good Work

Q: "What you gon' do wit all that breast? All that breast inside that shirt?"

A: "I'ma make, make, make, make you work. Make you work, work, make you work."

Shakespeare, Keats, Tennyson, Frost, Yeats and the Black Eyed Peas. Only the true masters can take the flawed English language and craft it into phrases and works of art that move the soul of a person. Of course now it the time to play my favorite game from Sesame Street: One of these things is in no fucking way like the others. Fergie and the Pea's song "My Humps" is among the worst collection of thoughts and writing ever inflicted on the world. I am not normally a negative person, as you can see through all the positive praise on my blog. That said I feel that I need to show that there are things that I down right loath in this world, as a kind of touchstone to show that the other things on here that I am praising are that much better in comparison. Now: The attack on the humps.

This song not only offends my ears, but my intelligence. There have been many an amazing song penned over the years in homage to the splendor that is the female form but this one misses the mark worse than Dick Cheney on a hunting trip. I guess all those years on Kids Incorporated didn't teach Stacy to be more creative when it came to being descriptive in her writing. Plus it's hard to take anything she says or sings seriously when you find out that she was the voice of "Sally" on the early 80's Charlie Brown cartoon specials (but none of the good ones). After actually listening to the words of this song rather than just dancing to the ring tone on your damn cell phone you too may start to hear it like the adults on the Peanuts shows like I Do.

"My Hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my Hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady lumps, lumps. My lovely lady lumps, lumps. My lovely lady lumps, lumps. In the back and in the front, lumps. (My lovin' got me spendin') Oh! Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me. (She's got me spendin') Oh! Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me."

Breathtaking! Amazing! Bravo! Give me a break, I think I heard a lab in northern Nevada has produced a trained llama that can write a better song. We as a music buying public need to rise up and stop paying for shit like this. Luckily for me I have not yet had to give the Pea's any money but I have still been subjected to this crime against humanity at every turn over the last few months. As long as people keep making this crap the most purchased song on Itunes and other on line music sites they will keep making it. For god's (or at least Joan Baez or Ani DiFranco's) sake will some female artist use their fame to give us more than "I'ma make, make, make, make you scream" Please!

Lastly, for the love of all things good and right, will all you guys and girls who want to tell me how hot Fergie is please do me a favor. Look about a foot above her 'lovely lady lumps' at her face. If we are going to hold someone up as the paragon of what is hot in popular culture today could she at least be pretty? That is all.

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